Have you ever heard of seasonal depression? As far as I understand, it's a feeling of sadness when seasons change, or more specifically when winter hits and the days are short and cold and dark and the promise of spring seems so far away. Well I'm fairly certain I don't have seasonal depression but I DO think I suffer from celebration sadness. After every major celebration- typically the day after- I just feel kinda down and sad that the party is over and all the planning and anticipation has passed.
Example 1: I remember when I was maybe 9 or 10 and I felt so sad the day after my birthday, I crawled in bed with my mom and just cried. I had had a WONDERFUL birthday sleepover but then it came time for all my friends to go home and all the presents were open and the celebrating was done and I just felt sad that my special day had come and gone.
Example 2: After my wedding, the next day was filled with traveling and starting our honeymoon- which was fantastic and so much fun! I thought I had eluded the celebration sadness. Nope, just prolonged it. The day after we got back from the Caribbean, Daniel had to jump right into his Master's program at UK and I was left in our little apartment in Georgetown, KY with nothing to do but unpack. I cried. And then I called my mom and cried some more.
Example 3: Usually after all the Christmas celebrating is finished and we've rung in the New Year, I'm ready to clean up and take down the decorations. I have found that this is the best way to do it anyway. When I'm ready for the celebration to be over, or when I'm ready to get home from your vacation, or when I'm ready for life to just get back to normal- this is ideal. It's when I don't feel ready that the sadness kicks in. And this year, I feel a little melancholy. I feel like I didn't linger long enough this Christmas. I didn't drink in the lights and the glow like I usually do. I missed out on some of my favorite traditions because I forgot to do them or because I didn't carve out the time like I have in Christmas' past. I feel like I zoned out through most of December. And I don't think it's because we got too busy or too wrapped up in gifts or all the other excuses people have for this sort of thing. I think it's because my world has been spinning wildly off it's axis since Friday December 13.
Ever since the ultrasound tech delivered the news of twins, the babies are never far from my thoughts. And not necessarily in a sweet, maternal sort of way. More in a "oh my gosh, what are we gonna do?" kinda way. We have had SO MANY people step up and offer every possible kind of help imaginable, from playdates for Isaiah to people offering to prepare meals to my mother-in-love (this phrase fits us better than the "in-law" part of the phrase) buying me 2 bags stuffed full of maternity clothes. So much sweet, kind, gracious, servant hearted help, but at the end of the day it is Daniel & I who have to go through this. I need to make peace with this and accept my reality. The best part of Christmas coming to an end is the promise of next Christmas and the chance to learn a lesson from this year's celebration. Well, the best part of being pregnant with twins is the promise that God will walk with us every step of the way. That's what I have to cling to, that's the only kind of help that will soothe my trembling, freaking out soul. And I feel so ungrateful! I have so many friends who would LOVE to be pregnant with twins right now. Who am I to complain or be so thankless? Yet the light at the end of this tunnel stays dark.
Do you feel like you didn't linger long enough this Christmas?
Forgive me as I fumble through the early days of this pregnancy and as I honestly share my journey with the world. Thanks for being friends who listen :)
