The Good and the Grief

I guess I'm feeling bloggy lately- 2 posts in 1 week! Shoo!

On Tuesday I had a dr's appt to check in our twins. The appt went well- my blood pressure is great, the baby's heart rates are perfect, everything looks as it should. Thank you LORD! After my check up, I had an appointment for my first non-stress test, which is a chance for the doctors to monitor the babies heart rates for a longer stretch of time to make sure no one is in distress. But as I was leaving the clinic, the edge of my flip flop caught the edge of an uneven paving stone and down I went. Luckily I caught my fall on my hands and knees, my belly didn't take any of the impact. But 2 doctors saw me fall and tattled on me reported the incident like any good doctor would. They helped me up and looked me over. One doctor asked my name and said I needed to go to triage to make sure the babies were ok. I told him that I was headed to the perinatal center for a non-stress test anyway so he said he'd call ahead and let them know I had taken a tumble (thus the tattling.) I really felt fine, other than a little shaken up and scared of what could have happened if I hadn't caught my fall.

Anyway, I got to the perinatal center and checked in for my non-stress test, except something had gotten mixed up at the scheduling center and they had me scheduled for an ultra sound, not a non-stress test. Sigh. OK, I guess you can show me my babies. Such a sacrifice ;) It was wonderful to see them on screen, kicking each other and squirming away. Especially after the drama of the fall, I was so relieved to see that they were completely normal. I also got great news- McKenna weighs 4.9 lbs and Micaiah weighs 5.5 lbs. WOOHOO! This was SUPER encouraging to hear as the more they weigh, the healthier they will be when they are delivered! However, discouraging was the news that McKenna (aka Baby A), who WAS head down is now breech. And the hospital won't allow a vaginal delivery if Baby A is not head down. So it is back to the Spinning Babies exercises for me. (Click here to learn all about Spinning Babies.)

After I was finished with the ultrasound, the staff then sent me over to triage for my non-stress test. If I had known what awaited me, I think I would have just gone home. I thought I was going in for the traditional non-stress test, like I went through just before I had Isaiah. The whole thing takes maybe an hour, they strap a heart rate monitor to your belly and you get to sit and relax the whole time. Triage, however, is where ladies go when they are in (or think they are in) labor. The nursing staff checks you out to make sure you are truly in labor, asks you a bunch of questions, and then move you to a labor and delivery room. But because the staff had been alerted that I had taken a little spill, I had to stay for a FOUR HOUR stress test. I was fully admitted to the hospital- I'm talking ID bracelet, hospital gown, tiny little room in triage all to myself, the whole nine yards. And on top of all of that, I was by myself, which makes hospitals that much more scary. The nurse who took care of me was wonderful, even though the babies would not cooperate in helping her find both heart beats. Eventually she found them and I settled in for the long haul. Eventually Daniel and even my dad showed up and that provided MUCH comfort, but as I lay there listening to the sound of thundering hooves that are unborn babies heart beats I couldn't help but think of another little baby whose heart beat I never got to hear.

I would have been 40 weeks pregnant with Reuben, our would-have-been second child, on Tuesday May 27th. It's odd to think how different things would be if I hadn't miscarried. There would be no talk of twins, no little girl clothes in the laundry, no triple stroller, only one crib, one infant car seat, one swing. We'd be prepping for another little boy and teaching Isaiah to say "Reuben." And I cry as I type this, mourning the life of a little boy I won't meet until Jesus introduces us. I miss the chance to have been his mommy on earth, to deliver him, and hold him, and kiss his little head. And maybe I'm being ungrateful as I know of many women who don't even have one baby to hold and call their own, but the grief of miscarriage does not discriminate. So today I again mourn the loss of my second child and anticipate the day I get to kiss his sweet face.

Thankfully, all is well with our twins. We all passed the non-stress test with flying colors. They even discharged me after only 2 hours on the monitor instead of the traditional 4. I only had one contraction the entire time, when I rolled from my right side to my left. Everyone is gonna be just fine. I've got 6 more weeks before these babes should make their appearance and when they do, they will be so loved on and cuddled and covered in kisses! I thank God for the chance to be their mommy and I'm grateful that God is always good and He is always faithful. He can be nothing but. Even when it doesn't feel like He is being good or faithful to me, He can be nothing but.

"I promise this very day that I will repay two blessings for each of your troubles."
Zechariah 9:12

Obedience Training

Have you ever seen a child try to make their parent obey them? You know the scene- maybe it's in the middle of the grocery store, maybe on the swings at the park, but always someplace public with the maximum possible embarrassment for the parents. You might hear the parent say something like "Please don't kick your sister" or "you need to stop when I say stop" or "you need to listen and obey." A few minutes pass, the child goes about their play until an opportunity presents itself. Then the child might say something like "Mommy, come push me on the swing! You need to listen and obey!" It's endearing and annoying all at the same time. But the idea of the child making the parent obey seems silly. I might even go so far as to say it seems futile. The times when I have actually witnessed a parent obey their child, it just never ends well. Maybe there's a short term pay off but the parents really havn't done themselves any favors.

We all know the tale. So what's my point? My point is two fold.

The first fold goes like this. Daniel & I have been working extra diligently to help teach Isaiah about obedience. With me being pregnant with twins, I am not as fast as Isaiah and cannot chase him well. I need him to learn what "STOP" means and do so when I yell the command. I often find myself thinking "why won't you just obey me?!" Obedience training a 1 year old is just not an easy job.

The second fold goes like this. Ever since Daniel & I learned we were expecting twins I have been cleaning out our 3rd bedroom for their nursery. The room that they will soon occupy was once our office/guest bedroom/library/catchall room. There was A LOT of stuff in that room that suddenly needed a new home. So, slowly but surely I have been cleaning out the room, clearing out the junk, and setting up baby stuff. This has led to all-house sweep and thus piles upon piles of Read possessions, prime for a yard sale! The date was set for Saturday May 17. The weeks leading up to May 17, I priced and organized and scavenged. I made signs, I advertised, I researched the pricier items to make sure I asked a fair price. In short, I was really prepared! We even decided to partner with the Raakes for a 2 family yard sale. The Raakes live in a primo yard sale location + they have a garage. The Friday beforehand, we three Reads headed over to set up our stuff and get organized. Saturday morning, earlier than my body would have liked, I went over to finish set up and settle in to sell, sell, sell. The day dawned bright and clear if not a bit chilly, everything looked good. (I wanted to have the Target of yard sales so I made cute "department" signs, had fun music playing, hung paper chain decorations- things were looking good!) Things were starting to sell!

And about 2 hours into our sale, the first round of rain came through. UGH. We scurried to bring tables into the garage and cover up what wouldn't fit. But the storm passed fairly quickly and the sun came back out. We dragged the tables back out, dried off what needed it and went about our sale.

And then the second round of rain came through. UUUUUUGGGGGHHH. The boys were inside eating lunch so Lauren & I covered up what we could and decided the other table would be mostly fine if things got a little wet. The storm lasted longer than I liked but it did eventually end. This time we checked the radar. Looked like things were going to clear for the rest of the day-HOORAY! Off came the tarps and we again dried what we could.

And then the third round of rain come through. So as Lauren & I sat in the garage, lamenting the cold day and the unpredictable weather, I found myself angrily talking to God "Why can't you make this rain stop, Lord? Why aren't you bringing more people to our sale? I did everything I could to get the word out. Why won't you bless this effort? Why can't you just obey me?"

It is a wonder and a miracle I was not hit with lightning then and there.

Thank God for grace! No sooner did the thought occur to me did I begin repenting for my misguided, willful thought. And as I reflected on this kairos moment (a kairos moment is when the Holy Spirit makes you aware of spiritual teaching moment, according to this book) I realized that obedience training is something we never really outgrow. Wether you're a 1 year old learning to obey your very pregnant, nearly-waddling mother as she yells "STOP" before you run into the street or a 15 year old learning to make good decisions based on the training your parents have tried their best to give you your whole young life or a 30 year old still learning that God is not a genie in a bottle or an always-blessing-lottery-ticket.

Nobody really likes the immediate act of obedience, I think. It nearly always comes down to listening to someone else's counsel and believing that their request is better than your own will. But the consequence of obedience is always positive. (Please note I'm solely writing in terms of situations where obedience is happening within healthy, loving relationships.) So when Daniel & I teach Isaiah how to be obedient, it's not because we're mean parents who finally have someone to boss around. And when God teaches me obedience, it's not because He's some puppet master forcing me to carry out His evil plan. No. It's to teach me a better way, to lead me closer in step with Him, to guide me toward holiness. I hope I never outgrow my awareness for the need to be obedient to God. I hope I'm never so willful and self-centered I can't listen when God tells me to "STOP" before I run into the street, ya know?