Last Wednesday I got some amazing news. A trip to OB revealed a positive pregnancy test! My joy however was a little overshadowed because the point of the OB appointment was to remove the IUD contraceptive I'd had implanted a year ago. The doctor explained that pulling the IUD might result in a miscarriage but no matter what we had to get the IUD out, we had to take those chances. After the procedure I left the doctor and immediately went to Parkside to tell Daniel. We couldn't believe God would bless us with this pregnancy. The odds of getting pregnant with an IUD are .01%-- this must be one special baby! We knew to keep our hopes in check, not knowing what the next few days would hold, but still we were excited.
With the IUD in the way the doctor couldn't get a clear look at my uterus to see the pregnancy and she wanted an accurate hormone level to figure out how far along the pregnancy was so on Friday I went to the hospital to get blood drawn. Later the night she called to tell me the hormone levels hadn't doubled like they'd expected and while that didn't automatically mean miscarriage it meant the odds of this pregnancy becoming viable were about 1%. Still, we believed God had created this life for a reason. We spread the word to some trusted prayer warriors and spent the weekend praying that God would infuse this baby with life and health.
Monday morning I went back to the hospital for another blood draw to check hormone levels. Monday afternoon I got a voicemail from the doctor and her tone was not upbeat. She asked that I come to her office as soon as possible. My hormone levels had not responded the way we had hoped and she needed to do an ultrasound to see what was going on in my body. I hightailed it to her office and she got me in right away. As I lay on the table, the ultrasound technician was being very quiet and I knew there was no baby. She explained that she could see no evidence of a baby in my uterus but she could definitely see something abnormal on my left fallopian tube. This is not good. Thanks to Dr. Google and the research I had done on IUD pregnancies, I knew the risk of an ectopic pregnancy was high. (An ectopic pregnancy is when the fertilized egg implants outside of the uterus.) The doctor explained I had 2 choices- I could get a shot of some drug that would work over a few days to dissolve the pregnancy tissue or I could head to the hospital for surgery to remove the pregnancy. After a tearful phone call with Daniel, I chose surgery. I just wanted the whole ordeal to be over and done with. I called my mom to come get our kids and headed home to pack an overnight bag.
I got to the hospital by myself around 5pm. Daniel was at home waiting for my mom to come get the kids. We figured I'd be waiting awhile before they were ready to call me back so we thought I'd at least get a head start. Except when I got to the hospital they were actually ready for me. A nurse, Rhonda, took me into Same Day Surgery and got me settled in right away. At that point the reality of what I was about to undergo began to sink in and I just wanted it to be over. I was laying on the hospital bed, waiting for Daniel to get there, annoyed at the pinch of the IV needle in my arm, and feeling completely trapped. and antsy. Like I wanted to be DOING something, to be proactive about whatever I was about to face. I wondered if this is how prison inmates feel. Stuck in a tiny, boring room, unsure of what your future will look like, a million "what ifs" running through your brain, and yet completely stuck. It was awful. Thinking back, I wonder if I was actually having a minor anxiety attack... Finally the nurse came in and we began the journey to the Operating Room. It was freezing cold in the OR and as they piled warm blankets on top of me, the nursing student assigned to help make me comfortable asked if I needed anything. I told her I just wanted the anesthesia to make me fall asleep so I could get this over with. She laughed and graciously someone brought over the plastic mask that would whisk me away. Another nurse placed the mask on my mouth and told me to breathe deeply. The last thing I remember is hearing him loudly call my name, telling me to keep breathing.
As I woke up in the recovery room, I remember shivering so violently, I think the shivering was what actually helped me come to. (Why are hospitals SO cold?!) Daniel was there and the nurses piled me with more blankets. It was 9pm. As I came out my fog Daniel explained the details of the surgery. While in surgery the doctor discovered that the ectopic pregnancy had actually caused my left fallopian tube to rupture and I had already begun bleeding into my stomach (about 8 oz of blood had already leaked out.) This is very bad. This is why ladies die from ectopic pregnancies. If I had opted for the shot instead of surgery, there's no telling how much more blood I would have lost and what the outcome could have been. Praise God for His timing.
The doctor removed my left fallopian tube. She reassured me that this shouldn't affect my fertility, and that if Daniel & I decide to have another baby we shouldn't have any trouble. And despite the incisions from the surgery, my pain has been very minimal. Typically this kind of surgery is a same day, in-and-out, kind of thing but because it was so late in the evening they let me stay overnight. So as the nurse wheeled me up to my room, she explained that the hospital was really full and that I'd probably be sharing a room with another patient. Disheartened that Daniel wouldn't be able to stay the night, I knew nothing could be done about it. Except when she wheeled me into my room, there was another bed but no roommate. I asked if Daniel could stay with me and they said yes! Praise God for His care! I was so very grateful to have Daniel close by, it was such a comfort to me. Neither of us got a great night's sleep (hospitals are NOISY!) and Tuesday morning we were ready to head home.
Today is Thursday and physically I'm feeling fine. My incision sites are sore and I'm beat by the end of the day but my pain is nonexistent. Emotionally however, I'm not sure how I feel. I believe that Daniel & I have another baby to meet in heaven, but I also feel like this baby never even had a chance. Without implanting in the uterus there's no way for a baby to gather nutrients and grow so this one never would have survived.
Except this baby could have survived if there was not an IUD contraceptive device in it's way.
OK, so at this point in the blog post I'm going to dive into the spiritual side of my story. And I'd like to preface it with a little disclaimer. The thoughts, opinions, and emotions are expressed here are true for me. I know in my spirit that what I'm about to share with you is true. You might not like what you're about to read. You might disagree with my theology or you might think that God doesn't deal with people the way I believe he's dealing with me but all I can tell you is that this is what's true for me today.
Back in September, Daniel & I had a conversation about the IUD and we decided that while it was nice to not have to think about contraception, we wanted to trust God with our family and to trust His plan to grow our family according to His plan and not ours. We decided God was telling us to get the IUD out. I knew in my spirit this decision was from God. But I didn't make the appointment. I kept putting it off. I even joked with friends about how I kept forgetting to do it and I didn't even feel the sting on my conscience! Maybe I had misunderstood what God was saying? Maybe He didn't care if I had an IUD? Finally in late October I made the appointment but they were so booked they couldn't see me until the first week of December. No problem, I thought. Then in mid-November I started bleeding (what I thought was my period) except I bled off and on for most of the second half of November. This is REALLY not normal for me. Thanksgiving day I had a particularly awful rush of blood and I even called my OB to make sure everything was ok and she reassured me it was fine, normal even. The day of my appointment couldn't come soon enough just so I could get some answers for the bleeding (and hopefully get it to stop!) But I began to think that if I had just gotten the IUD out in September when God had first told me to do so, I wouldn't be bleeding like this.
Slowly, I began to realize that by not following the prompting of the Holy Spirit and being obedient in September, I was now experiencing the consequences of my disobedience. Because I was disobedient by not scheduling my appointment sooner, I was now facing the consequences of my lack of action. Consequences for one's actions is a big deal in my house right now. Daniel & I are working on raising 3 healthy, well adjusted, contributing members of society and learning to be obedient is a part of that. Learning that one's actions have good or bad consequences is also a part of that, whether you're a 3 year old kid, learning right from wrong or whether you're a 32 year old follower of Christ, learning about holiness. We talk about this A LOT in our house.
So just as there are consequences for actions on earth, then there are also consequences to our spiritual actions. And as I grow in my walk with the Lord, His voice, the voice of the Holy Spirit, becomes louder and more clear to me. I KNOW when I'm hearing from the Lord. I know what His voice "sounds" like and, for the most part, I know when instructions have come from him.
So before you start throwing tomatoes at me, let me clarify what I'm NOT saying.
I'm NOT saying God took our baby away because I disobeyed or that God punished me by allowing me to have an ectopic pregnancy. I know that God doesn't work like that. I'm saying God let me suffer the consequences of my actions. Could He have prevented the whole thing? Sure He could but then I wouldn't be learning this very valuable lesson about immediate obedience. (Hebrews 12)
I AM saying that sin has consequences. And while there is grace to cover our sins, the Lord will still allow us to suffer those consequences in order to draw us closer to Him. I'm also praising God for His grace in that I'm still A L I V E! This ectopic pregnancy really could have killed me and I'm grateful that the Lord has given me more time with my family on this earth.
I have repented for my disobedience in September and I know I'm forgiven. I really do not carry any guilt over this ordeal. I do feel remorse over my sin and I have certainly learned the value in immediate obedience but I'm no slave to a guilty conscience.
You do not have to agree with me or believe that God allows consequences for actions in this way. Maybe God deals with you differently than He does with me. But this is what is true for me. I'm blessed that He loves me enough to discipline me and draw me nearer to Him.
“My son, do not make light of the Lord’s discipline,
and do not lose heart when he rebukes you,
6 because the Lord disciplines the one he loves,
and he chastens everyone he accepts as his son.”
Proverbs 3:11,12
Thursday, December 10, 2015
Saturday, November 14, 2015
Enemy Attack
Daniel is away at a staff retreat this weekend and I hate it. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad he's able to get away and seek the Lord with the staff & elders of the Parkside Christian Church. I'm glad they're taking the time to make sure they're listening to God and paying attention to the way He wants Parkside run. But I hate that it means Daniel is gone over night. Of course it didn't help that after Daniel left Isaiah cried unconsolably for his dada to come home. It also didn't help that every time he heard a loud truck outside or heard the door open he'd jump up and say "dada's home!" Eventually he calmed down and the evening was fine. We baked Christmas cookies & watched "Thomas the Train" and all was right in his world.
And then I put the kids to bed. When the house goes silent while the messes get cleaned up, the Enemy launches his attack arrows.
Arrow #1 "You know you're not going to sleep well tonight with Daniel gone."
Arrow #2 "Maybe you should sleep on the couch with a weapon so if something happens you'll hear it sooner."
Arrow #3 "How can I barricade the house so bad guys can't get in?"
As I worked around the house I could feel my spirit absorbing these fear arrows, taking each hit and feeling powerless to stop the barrage. Trying to distract myself, I got on Facebook only to read about a pastor's wife in Indiana murdered during a home invasion. Terrorist attacks in Paris. Rape in a New York elementary school. Islamic radicals disguised as Syrian refugees, looking to run the world. UGH! I am in a deluge of fear. I want to bury my head in naiveté and ignorance and surround myself with only happiness and cheer. I want to wrap up my children and control their every interaction/relationship/experience for the next 30 years. I want to understand why God won't protect the good people and stop the bad things. I want to shake off the fear arrows but feel incapable. I want to trust God's plan but what I REALLY want is to be the one in control of the plan.
And then my God, who knows me so perfectly well, begins to subdue my fears through this song,
No Longer Slaves.
"I'm no longer a slave to fear, I'm a child of God." Isaiah is 3 and he understands fear. I'll hear him talking to himself when he's climbing down the steps saying "I'm not gonna fall. Go slow." or sometimes when we're driving he'll notice another car and say "Are we gonna crash that car?" (Although that may not actually be fear, he might be thinking that would be fun...) Anyway, my point is that even at 3 years old, Isaiah understands fear. We didn't have to teach him to be afraid. And yet when he is afraid, my immediate reaction is to soothe his fears. If I hear him talking to himself on the steps, I might walk over and ask if he wants help so he doesn't fall. If he asks about the cars crashing I'll tell him that I'm being a careful driver and am paying close attention so we don't crash. How much more does God want to soothe my grown up fears? Even though I am imperfect, (I'd even go so far as to say I'm evil- especially compared to God Romans 3:10) I know how and love to give good gifts to my kids. How much more so does God, who is PERFECT, want to give good gifts to me and my family? (Luke 7:11) Could God be nearby while the Enemy attacks, whispering His words of truth and peace to calm my fears? Yet I don't turn to him first, I don't immediately seek His presence to let Him calm me down. No, I choose worry. I give in to the fear and let it steal my peace & my sleep. I LET THE ENEMY BEAT ME UP WITHOUT FIGHTING BACK.
This is DUMB, you guys! I don't WANT to feel afraid but my actions say otherwise! I choose fear, I give in to it's weight. I let my imagination run wild when I should capturing those thoughts and kicking them out of my brain. (2 Corinthians 10:5)
Even if the WORST thing imaginable happens-- GOD remains unchanged, offering the same peace He always has. Even if the lives of my loves end before mine, God will have a plan and a purpose for that heartbreak.
So, after awhile I got tired of letting the Enemy beat me up without fighting back. I turned on worship music. I opened up my list of fear scriptures and began reading them out loud (Ephesians 6:10-20 is a favorite.) Ever so slowly I could feel the fear subside. I had a little praise party then went to bed. And as I lay in bed, the Enemy assault began all over again. As I started praying again, I felt God ask "do you think Daniel can protect you better than I can?"
OUCH.
The answer is yes, I DO think Daniel can protect me better than God. Daniel is strong and quick and knows how to use weapons. AND I CAN SEE HIM. God is invisible, how can I trust He'll protect me if my eyes aren't reassured? God lets bad things to happen to His people. Yet God is eternal and sees eternity and people's actions as contributing to one whole picture, not in misty fragments like I see time (James 4:14). Daniel, though it pains me to think of it, is mortal and won't be with me forever. Daniel is strong. God can never be conquered. Daniel is quick. God can never be outrun. God beats Daniel every. single. time.
So where does this leave me? Repentant. and humbled.
Is evil running rampant in our world? Yes. Since the beginning, evil has been present in God's creation. This is not new.
Are there very real threats to our safety every single day? Yes. But if we constantly choose fear over faith then how can God be glorified? Though my culture would have me believe otherwise, 'it' is not about me or my safety or my comfort. 'It' is about letting God use my life to bring Him glory. Simply that. What if God would be most glorified through letting the very worst thing happen to me? Am I open to that? No. Nope. Oh God, please don't ask that of me.
Sigh. Yes. Yes Lord. I will submit. I will obey. I will give you complete control over my life. Over Daniel, Isaiah, McKenna, Micaiah. Your glory is more important than my safety/comfort/life. On a small scale I have seen consistent proof of this in my life. I can trust it will remain true even in the worst.
So am I fixed? Is this fear issue resolved in me? I've worshipped and praised God. I've covered the sin in repentance. I've taken active steps to turn away from the sinful behavior and replaced it with obedience. I'll be ready the next time the Enemy launches his assault. But ultimately, I think I'll always have to fight this battle. I guess only time will tell.
And then I put the kids to bed. When the house goes silent while the messes get cleaned up, the Enemy launches his attack arrows.
Arrow #1 "You know you're not going to sleep well tonight with Daniel gone."
Arrow #2 "Maybe you should sleep on the couch with a weapon so if something happens you'll hear it sooner."
Arrow #3 "How can I barricade the house so bad guys can't get in?"
As I worked around the house I could feel my spirit absorbing these fear arrows, taking each hit and feeling powerless to stop the barrage. Trying to distract myself, I got on Facebook only to read about a pastor's wife in Indiana murdered during a home invasion. Terrorist attacks in Paris. Rape in a New York elementary school. Islamic radicals disguised as Syrian refugees, looking to run the world. UGH! I am in a deluge of fear. I want to bury my head in naiveté and ignorance and surround myself with only happiness and cheer. I want to wrap up my children and control their every interaction/relationship/experience for the next 30 years. I want to understand why God won't protect the good people and stop the bad things. I want to shake off the fear arrows but feel incapable. I want to trust God's plan but what I REALLY want is to be the one in control of the plan.
And then my God, who knows me so perfectly well, begins to subdue my fears through this song,
No Longer Slaves.
"I'm no longer a slave to fear, I'm a child of God." Isaiah is 3 and he understands fear. I'll hear him talking to himself when he's climbing down the steps saying "I'm not gonna fall. Go slow." or sometimes when we're driving he'll notice another car and say "Are we gonna crash that car?" (Although that may not actually be fear, he might be thinking that would be fun...) Anyway, my point is that even at 3 years old, Isaiah understands fear. We didn't have to teach him to be afraid. And yet when he is afraid, my immediate reaction is to soothe his fears. If I hear him talking to himself on the steps, I might walk over and ask if he wants help so he doesn't fall. If he asks about the cars crashing I'll tell him that I'm being a careful driver and am paying close attention so we don't crash. How much more does God want to soothe my grown up fears? Even though I am imperfect, (I'd even go so far as to say I'm evil- especially compared to God Romans 3:10) I know how and love to give good gifts to my kids. How much more so does God, who is PERFECT, want to give good gifts to me and my family? (Luke 7:11) Could God be nearby while the Enemy attacks, whispering His words of truth and peace to calm my fears? Yet I don't turn to him first, I don't immediately seek His presence to let Him calm me down. No, I choose worry. I give in to the fear and let it steal my peace & my sleep. I LET THE ENEMY BEAT ME UP WITHOUT FIGHTING BACK.
This is DUMB, you guys! I don't WANT to feel afraid but my actions say otherwise! I choose fear, I give in to it's weight. I let my imagination run wild when I should capturing those thoughts and kicking them out of my brain. (2 Corinthians 10:5)
Even if the WORST thing imaginable happens-- GOD remains unchanged, offering the same peace He always has. Even if the lives of my loves end before mine, God will have a plan and a purpose for that heartbreak.
So, after awhile I got tired of letting the Enemy beat me up without fighting back. I turned on worship music. I opened up my list of fear scriptures and began reading them out loud (Ephesians 6:10-20 is a favorite.) Ever so slowly I could feel the fear subside. I had a little praise party then went to bed. And as I lay in bed, the Enemy assault began all over again. As I started praying again, I felt God ask "do you think Daniel can protect you better than I can?"
OUCH.
The answer is yes, I DO think Daniel can protect me better than God. Daniel is strong and quick and knows how to use weapons. AND I CAN SEE HIM. God is invisible, how can I trust He'll protect me if my eyes aren't reassured? God lets bad things to happen to His people. Yet God is eternal and sees eternity and people's actions as contributing to one whole picture, not in misty fragments like I see time (James 4:14). Daniel, though it pains me to think of it, is mortal and won't be with me forever. Daniel is strong. God can never be conquered. Daniel is quick. God can never be outrun. God beats Daniel every. single. time.
So where does this leave me? Repentant. and humbled.
Is evil running rampant in our world? Yes. Since the beginning, evil has been present in God's creation. This is not new.
Are there very real threats to our safety every single day? Yes. But if we constantly choose fear over faith then how can God be glorified? Though my culture would have me believe otherwise, 'it' is not about me or my safety or my comfort. 'It' is about letting God use my life to bring Him glory. Simply that. What if God would be most glorified through letting the very worst thing happen to me? Am I open to that? No. Nope. Oh God, please don't ask that of me.
Sigh. Yes. Yes Lord. I will submit. I will obey. I will give you complete control over my life. Over Daniel, Isaiah, McKenna, Micaiah. Your glory is more important than my safety/comfort/life. On a small scale I have seen consistent proof of this in my life. I can trust it will remain true even in the worst.
So am I fixed? Is this fear issue resolved in me? I've worshipped and praised God. I've covered the sin in repentance. I've taken active steps to turn away from the sinful behavior and replaced it with obedience. I'll be ready the next time the Enemy launches his assault. But ultimately, I think I'll always have to fight this battle. I guess only time will tell.
Sunday, September 13, 2015
Saturday Sabbath
I should be at church right now but a chain of events (that started with me waking up late) has kept me at home. So after spending some time seeking the Lord from the kitchen table I decided I wanted to make public some of what God said to me this morning.
Our family has been trying to be more intentional about "observing the Sabbath" and yesterday we were AWESOME at it. This Sabbath seeking began about a year ago. I can't remember why or how it came up but we have been trying to be more intentional about it ever since. The thing about Sabbathing (sorry about my neologism here, I don't think "sabbath-ing" is a word, but turning the noun into a verb just seems right) is that the Bible is completely vague about how to observe it. "Honor the Sabbath day and keep it holy" is commandment 4 in the list of 10. But God was way more specific when giving Moses instructions on how to build the Temple than He was giving instructions on how to honor & keep a Sabbath rest. Jump forward a bunch of years and we see that the Pharisees certainly couldn't get Sabbathing right either. Jesus had to put them in their places quite a few times when it came to abusing the idea of resting on the Sabbath. Jump forward a bunch MORE years and here sits the Read family of 5, trying to figure out just how we're supposed to Sabbath in these modern times. In the year or so since we've been intentionally Sabbathing, I think we've only been successful at it maybe 5 times. Ouch.
Which brings me to yesterday's awesome Sabbath WIN! It's not that we did anything amazingly different or even very spiritual. We just chose to (mostly) put aside our work and spend time together as a family. We watched cartoons and ate bacon for breakfast. We jumped on our new-to-us trampoline (thank you for the 2nd hand treasure Reeves family!) I finished a novel! We napped. We jumped on the trampoline some more. Daniel suggested we go to Joe's Crab Shack for dinner. (As we were getting ready to leave, I made up a song about this. The lyrics were "We're going out to eat! So mama doesn't have to cook & clean!" I taught Isaiah to sing it with me. It was fantastic.) There was a bit of work done. Daniel finished building a knife drawer for me to maximize my counter space. I had a stinky load of cloth diapers that REALLY needed to be washed. But I was pretty pleased with us- we mostly set aside our work in favor of playing with our kids and being present with each other.
I haven't asked him about this but my guess is that Sabbathing is harder for Daniel than it is for me. Since I'm home with the kids every day, my home projects are truly never done, making it easier to set aside. For Daniel, who leaves home and goes to work, only to come home and have other, different home projects to do, and less home time to complete them. I imagine that laying aside a perfectly good home project day for the purpose of resting is difficult. That may also be why we have only Sabbath-ed successfully a handful of times so far. There's just so much work to be done and not enough free time to do it. My point is that it makes me all the more grateful to him for leading our family by example and putting his own stuff aside to invest in his people.
You know what's funny about all of this? After having taken (almost) the entire day to rest, I should have felt more stressed about things being left undone. I should be feeling like today's work load has since doubled but in typical God fashion, I feel so refreshed! Having been given the freedom to set aside our work, sans guilt(!!), and purposefully spend time together as a family is so satisfyingly restful. I feel a deeper connection to Daniel today than I did yesterday. I feel a deeper commitment to my Jesus, to be about His business, to put aside my own comfort in order to seek His face and serve His people today.
I just feel renewed. Thanks for that Jesus, because as the Giver of good gifts, the gift of rest is a great one.
Our family has been trying to be more intentional about "observing the Sabbath" and yesterday we were AWESOME at it. This Sabbath seeking began about a year ago. I can't remember why or how it came up but we have been trying to be more intentional about it ever since. The thing about Sabbathing (sorry about my neologism here, I don't think "sabbath-ing" is a word, but turning the noun into a verb just seems right) is that the Bible is completely vague about how to observe it. "Honor the Sabbath day and keep it holy" is commandment 4 in the list of 10. But God was way more specific when giving Moses instructions on how to build the Temple than He was giving instructions on how to honor & keep a Sabbath rest. Jump forward a bunch of years and we see that the Pharisees certainly couldn't get Sabbathing right either. Jesus had to put them in their places quite a few times when it came to abusing the idea of resting on the Sabbath. Jump forward a bunch MORE years and here sits the Read family of 5, trying to figure out just how we're supposed to Sabbath in these modern times. In the year or so since we've been intentionally Sabbathing, I think we've only been successful at it maybe 5 times. Ouch.
Which brings me to yesterday's awesome Sabbath WIN! It's not that we did anything amazingly different or even very spiritual. We just chose to (mostly) put aside our work and spend time together as a family. We watched cartoons and ate bacon for breakfast. We jumped on our new-to-us trampoline (thank you for the 2nd hand treasure Reeves family!) I finished a novel! We napped. We jumped on the trampoline some more. Daniel suggested we go to Joe's Crab Shack for dinner. (As we were getting ready to leave, I made up a song about this. The lyrics were "We're going out to eat! So mama doesn't have to cook & clean!" I taught Isaiah to sing it with me. It was fantastic.) There was a bit of work done. Daniel finished building a knife drawer for me to maximize my counter space. I had a stinky load of cloth diapers that REALLY needed to be washed. But I was pretty pleased with us- we mostly set aside our work in favor of playing with our kids and being present with each other.
I haven't asked him about this but my guess is that Sabbathing is harder for Daniel than it is for me. Since I'm home with the kids every day, my home projects are truly never done, making it easier to set aside. For Daniel, who leaves home and goes to work, only to come home and have other, different home projects to do, and less home time to complete them. I imagine that laying aside a perfectly good home project day for the purpose of resting is difficult. That may also be why we have only Sabbath-ed successfully a handful of times so far. There's just so much work to be done and not enough free time to do it. My point is that it makes me all the more grateful to him for leading our family by example and putting his own stuff aside to invest in his people.
You know what's funny about all of this? After having taken (almost) the entire day to rest, I should have felt more stressed about things being left undone. I should be feeling like today's work load has since doubled but in typical God fashion, I feel so refreshed! Having been given the freedom to set aside our work, sans guilt(!!), and purposefully spend time together as a family is so satisfyingly restful. I feel a deeper connection to Daniel today than I did yesterday. I feel a deeper commitment to my Jesus, to be about His business, to put aside my own comfort in order to seek His face and serve His people today.
I just feel renewed. Thanks for that Jesus, because as the Giver of good gifts, the gift of rest is a great one.
Friday, June 26, 2015
YARP
I love to reminisce. I love looking back at old calendars, journal entries, and photo albums. And these days, thanks to technology there are old blog posts, the Timehop app, and my Facebook timeline to save all those details for me. So given my propensity to reminisce, today's date is a big one. On this day last year my prenatal doctor scheduled the c-section that would deliver our twins into the world. This time last year I was laying on an ultrasound table looking at my twins one last time before meeting them face to face. And I was remembering that today as I lay on another ultrasound table watching while the tech scanned my breasts for cancer.
I found a lump.
Spoiler alert: it's not cancer. It's nothing actually. The ultrasound showed nothing abnormal in my breast tissue. Maybe it's a miracle, maybe it's just the way God made my breasts. All I know is I can not stop saying "thank you God!" I'll save you the long story because it's not the point of today's post. I found the lump 3 weeks ago and have been wavering back and forth between faith and fear. Would I choose to trust my Savior to save me- heal me- deliver me from whatever this may be? Or would I let the enemy beat me up with his arrows of fear, doubt, and worry? I cannot say I was unwavering in my faith. I cannot say I didn't cry tears of pure sadness that maybe my children would grow up without me. I can say I have a squadron of prayer warriors surrounding me. The handful of people I told about the lump, they all prayed for me- out loud and in my presence not long after I shared the news. Not a promise to pray later but an immediate prayer in that moment. Talking to and leaning in to the One who really does have the power to bolster a faltering faith, send His Spirit of peace, and maybe even heal cancer, He really does listen when we pray. I have felt His presence, this feeling of a gooey warmth in my belly that replaces the rock hard pit of fear. This feeling of sitting inside a holy forcefield, where no barb, arrow, or bullet the enemy throws can penetrate. It is as real to me as the computer on which I type. Here's my point- let's pray more for each other, out loud and in each other's presence. Yes, it could be awkward. Yes, it might make people feel uncomfortable. Yes, you might look a little strange with your head bowed in front of the cashier at Kroger or the waitress in the restaurant. But isn't God worth a little awkward? Isn't it worth feeling uncomfortable so people can know, firsthand, the peace that the Holy Spirit can bring? I am telling you the Lord our God is might to save and He is L I S T E N I N G to you. Also, He's REALLY good at it. He's a "hanging on every word" kind of listener. God doesn't listen like humans sometimes do, with one eye turned toward to TV or with His face glued to His phone. God gives you His full attention, looks deeply into your heart, and hears every word you will send His way.
Need more proof?
"God’s there, listening for all who pray, for all who pray and mean it."
Psalm 145:18 (The Message)
I found a lump.
Spoiler alert: it's not cancer. It's nothing actually. The ultrasound showed nothing abnormal in my breast tissue. Maybe it's a miracle, maybe it's just the way God made my breasts. All I know is I can not stop saying "thank you God!" I'll save you the long story because it's not the point of today's post. I found the lump 3 weeks ago and have been wavering back and forth between faith and fear. Would I choose to trust my Savior to save me- heal me- deliver me from whatever this may be? Or would I let the enemy beat me up with his arrows of fear, doubt, and worry? I cannot say I was unwavering in my faith. I cannot say I didn't cry tears of pure sadness that maybe my children would grow up without me. I can say I have a squadron of prayer warriors surrounding me. The handful of people I told about the lump, they all prayed for me- out loud and in my presence not long after I shared the news. Not a promise to pray later but an immediate prayer in that moment. Talking to and leaning in to the One who really does have the power to bolster a faltering faith, send His Spirit of peace, and maybe even heal cancer, He really does listen when we pray. I have felt His presence, this feeling of a gooey warmth in my belly that replaces the rock hard pit of fear. This feeling of sitting inside a holy forcefield, where no barb, arrow, or bullet the enemy throws can penetrate. It is as real to me as the computer on which I type. Here's my point- let's pray more for each other, out loud and in each other's presence. Yes, it could be awkward. Yes, it might make people feel uncomfortable. Yes, you might look a little strange with your head bowed in front of the cashier at Kroger or the waitress in the restaurant. But isn't God worth a little awkward? Isn't it worth feeling uncomfortable so people can know, firsthand, the peace that the Holy Spirit can bring? I am telling you the Lord our God is might to save and He is L I S T E N I N G to you. Also, He's REALLY good at it. He's a "hanging on every word" kind of listener. God doesn't listen like humans sometimes do, with one eye turned toward to TV or with His face glued to His phone. God gives you His full attention, looks deeply into your heart, and hears every word you will send His way.
Need more proof?
"God’s there, listening for all who pray, for all who pray and mean it."
Psalm 145:18 (The Message)
“Don’t bargain with God. Be direct. Ask for what you need. This isn’t a cat-and-mouse, hide-and-seek game we’re in. If your child asks for bread, do you trick him with sawdust? If he asks for fish, do you scare him with a live snake on his plate? As bad as you are, you wouldn’t think of such a thing. You’re at least decent to your own children. So don’t you think the God who conceived you in love will be even better?" Matthew 7:11 (The Message)
"Make this your common practice: Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you can live together whole and healed. The prayer of a person living right with God is something powerful to be reckoned with." James 5:16 (The Message)
P.S.- No matter where you stand on today's Supreme Court ruling would you take a few minutes and pray for our nation? I think we could use it.
P.P.S.- YARP is Pray spelled backwards. I couldn't think of a cool and catchy title for my blog post so I did the next best thing. I used a backwards word. You're welcome.
Monday, February 23, 2015
Jesus sent me flowers today
::creeeeaaaaakkkkk::
If virtual blogging made a noise, that would be the sound of me opening my blog to write again after 7 months of silence. Having babies will do that to you, I guess. It's also hard to find the inspiration to write when your day is filled with changing poopy diapers and endless hours of playing choo-choos. Nevertheless, that is not the point of today's blog!
Let's talk about last week. One week ago today we were in the midst of a snow storm. Finally we were getting the snow that we had mostly missed out on this winter! I truly love snow. I love it's beauty and it's color, pure white and sparkling. I love playing in it and then drinking hot chocolate to warm up after. I love when school gets cancelled and people hunker down indoors. I love everything about it! The thing is though, I love a snow day here and there. I do not love a snow week. Based on what I was seeing on Facebook, I was not the only mom in this predicament. After a week indoors, everyone's going a little bonkers. The snow has lost its luster and most people are ready for their normal routine. Yet for some unexplained reason, last week's snow sent me into a weirdly deep funk. We already spend a good chunk of our time cooped up. With a 2 yr old and 8 month old twins, it's hard to get out on a regular basis. When we do get out of the house, it has to be carefully orchestrated so when the activities you've already figured out all get cancelled... well let's just say that didn't put me in a great place emotionally. All of our regularly scheduled events got cancelled last week.
Every. single. one.
On top of this, as most of you know, people with grown up jobs don't get snow days, meaning Daniel still had to work. It was a looong week being cooped up inside with little people needing to be entertained.
Finally it was Saturday! True, it snowed again Friday night but Saturday is a fun day! Daniel doesn't have to work! We could play together as a family! I'd have someone else to help with the monotony that is playing choo-choos all. the. live. long. day. (In case you hadn't picked up on this, Isaiah really loves playing choo-choos with me. 'Cause I'm awesome at it. Gotta be good at something, right?!) So when Daniel asked if he could meet up with a friend to talk church-stuff, I kinda lost it. And by lost it I mean I went upstairs and cried to myself. And as I sat up there crying I realized I couldn't explain why I was crying. Daniel hadn't done anything wrong. I hadn't verbally expressed my plans for us to all stay home and have a "Hallmark channel" snow day. And he was asking if he could plan this meeting, not telling me he was already going to do it. I also hadn't shared with him just how trying the week had been. So as I sat there crying, the word I kept coming back to was lonely. I was crying because I felt lonely. Yet that didn't make sense. I'm surrounded by little people all day long. Daniel had even been home more than usual due to the snow. Feeling lonely just didn't make sense.
Unless you're lonely for Jesus.
Maybe you'll be surprised to read this but it's hard to find time to be with Jesus. Doesn't matter who you are, what you do, how old you are, or what your excuses are- It's hard to find time to be with Jesus. And when you get used to other things filling that hole, it's easy to ignore the fact that you haven't spent much quality time with Jesus. So when a giant snow storm took away all my other hole-fillers I was left feeling sad and lonely.
I wish I could say that I had this realization on Saturday morning while I was upstairs crying and I came back downstairs refreshed, recharged, and ready to rationally explain to Daniel that I was hoping for family time that day. But that would not be true. I came back downstairs, hoping that Daniel would notice I had been crying, read my mind, and lovingly wipe away all traces of my loneliness. That also would not be true. Daniel is not a mind reader (though I sure wish he would learn that skill. It would things so much easier for me ;) ) He was carrying on with his Saturday, playing with a very happy Isaiah. I finally worked up the courage to bring up the topic of his meeting and cried my way through our conversation. (Fun fact about me- I nearly always cry when having a difficult conversation with Daniel. I hate that I can't get through a conflict without crying but I can't control it.) Gratefully I married a patient man and I was able to speak my mind through the tears. He changed his meeting to Sunday. Problem solved, right? Nope, I still felt lonely.
Saturday night Daniel worked on his thesis while I watched a movie. Feeling lonely and pitiful, wanting desperately to blame the loneliness on Daniel but could find no evidence that this was his fault. Yet I could think of no other reason why I should feel this way.
Sunday morning I went through the motions of going to church but still felt disconnected. Knowing Daniel had meetings all afternoon, I made plans to spend the day with my parents. I couldn't bear the thought of spending ANOTHER day shut up in the house with no other adult around to help play choo-choos.
Except, I'm ashamed to admit, there's more to it than that. See, I couldn't shake the sense of loneliness. Even the word itself was playing over and over like a skipping CD, taunting me and reaffirming the loneliness. And I still wanted to blame Daniel for it. I was cold toward him. Not mean or rude, just cold. I had been all weekend. I was hurt so I wanted him to hurt. [I am literally realizing this as I type it out. Ugh. I am so ashamed of myself.] I made the plans with my parents then I decided I wouldn't tell Daniel in person. I'd leave a note in the kitchen so he'd come home to an empty house, expecting us to be there waiting for him, only to find out that we had gone on to have a great day without him! "Yes- then he'll be lonely just like me!!" I thought. And won't that solve all the problems...
So as soon as the service was finished, I turned to go collect the kids from Sunday school but was met with a very dear lady who said I looked like I could use a hug. And as she hugged me, tears stung my eyes. Her hug chipped away at my loneliness and a new word sprung to mind. Her hug broke through the enemy's accusation that I was lonely. She reminded me that I'm loved. Loved. Then two rows behind her, I was met by another dear lady who spoke of God's love for me. We talked about the sermon, and I said I often wonder if I'm doing enough to make God proud. She said sometimes God calls us to rest in His presence, that being with Him is what makes Him proud. Then we both started crying. And that was when the realization struck. I am lonely for Jesus. And this is not a loneliness that Daniel or our kids or my parents or any other human can fix. I was distracting myself from my loneliness and it wasn't until the snow took away my distractions that I felt the hole of loneliness. The cure is to spend time with Jesus.
Today is Monday. I've spent the day marinating in the fact that I am loved. I am loved by the King of everything. I woke up feeling loved. I changed diapers and dressed babies, made the bed, and got dressed all the while thinking that I am loved by Jesus Christ. Jesus has been lavishing His love on me today. He orchestrated 2 amazing things today. First, when cleaning up from breakfast I found a love letter from Daniel, stashed among the cereal boxes. When Daniel tells me of his love by taking the time to write it down, well let's just say my heart soars. Daniel is God's gift to me, he is an Ephesians 5:25 husband. Second, someone anonymously sent me the most beautiful flower arrangement today! I actually had a florist come knock on my door! There was a card with the flowers but no name, only Psalm 13:5-6 & Romans 8:38-39 "Nothing will be able to separate us from the love of God." Jesus sent me flowers today. He loves me ❤ ❤ ❤
Whomever you are, reading this blog, whether you know Him or not, whether you choose to acknowledge His existence or not, whether you care or not, YOU too are loved by Jesus Christ. Don't let the enemy tell you otherwise.
If virtual blogging made a noise, that would be the sound of me opening my blog to write again after 7 months of silence. Having babies will do that to you, I guess. It's also hard to find the inspiration to write when your day is filled with changing poopy diapers and endless hours of playing choo-choos. Nevertheless, that is not the point of today's blog!
Let's talk about last week. One week ago today we were in the midst of a snow storm. Finally we were getting the snow that we had mostly missed out on this winter! I truly love snow. I love it's beauty and it's color, pure white and sparkling. I love playing in it and then drinking hot chocolate to warm up after. I love when school gets cancelled and people hunker down indoors. I love everything about it! The thing is though, I love a snow day here and there. I do not love a snow week. Based on what I was seeing on Facebook, I was not the only mom in this predicament. After a week indoors, everyone's going a little bonkers. The snow has lost its luster and most people are ready for their normal routine. Yet for some unexplained reason, last week's snow sent me into a weirdly deep funk. We already spend a good chunk of our time cooped up. With a 2 yr old and 8 month old twins, it's hard to get out on a regular basis. When we do get out of the house, it has to be carefully orchestrated so when the activities you've already figured out all get cancelled... well let's just say that didn't put me in a great place emotionally. All of our regularly scheduled events got cancelled last week.
Every. single. one.
On top of this, as most of you know, people with grown up jobs don't get snow days, meaning Daniel still had to work. It was a looong week being cooped up inside with little people needing to be entertained.
Finally it was Saturday! True, it snowed again Friday night but Saturday is a fun day! Daniel doesn't have to work! We could play together as a family! I'd have someone else to help with the monotony that is playing choo-choos all. the. live. long. day. (In case you hadn't picked up on this, Isaiah really loves playing choo-choos with me. 'Cause I'm awesome at it. Gotta be good at something, right?!) So when Daniel asked if he could meet up with a friend to talk church-stuff, I kinda lost it. And by lost it I mean I went upstairs and cried to myself. And as I sat up there crying I realized I couldn't explain why I was crying. Daniel hadn't done anything wrong. I hadn't verbally expressed my plans for us to all stay home and have a "Hallmark channel" snow day. And he was asking if he could plan this meeting, not telling me he was already going to do it. I also hadn't shared with him just how trying the week had been. So as I sat there crying, the word I kept coming back to was lonely. I was crying because I felt lonely. Yet that didn't make sense. I'm surrounded by little people all day long. Daniel had even been home more than usual due to the snow. Feeling lonely just didn't make sense.
Unless you're lonely for Jesus.
Maybe you'll be surprised to read this but it's hard to find time to be with Jesus. Doesn't matter who you are, what you do, how old you are, or what your excuses are- It's hard to find time to be with Jesus. And when you get used to other things filling that hole, it's easy to ignore the fact that you haven't spent much quality time with Jesus. So when a giant snow storm took away all my other hole-fillers I was left feeling sad and lonely.
I wish I could say that I had this realization on Saturday morning while I was upstairs crying and I came back downstairs refreshed, recharged, and ready to rationally explain to Daniel that I was hoping for family time that day. But that would not be true. I came back downstairs, hoping that Daniel would notice I had been crying, read my mind, and lovingly wipe away all traces of my loneliness. That also would not be true. Daniel is not a mind reader (though I sure wish he would learn that skill. It would things so much easier for me ;) ) He was carrying on with his Saturday, playing with a very happy Isaiah. I finally worked up the courage to bring up the topic of his meeting and cried my way through our conversation. (Fun fact about me- I nearly always cry when having a difficult conversation with Daniel. I hate that I can't get through a conflict without crying but I can't control it.) Gratefully I married a patient man and I was able to speak my mind through the tears. He changed his meeting to Sunday. Problem solved, right? Nope, I still felt lonely.
Saturday night Daniel worked on his thesis while I watched a movie. Feeling lonely and pitiful, wanting desperately to blame the loneliness on Daniel but could find no evidence that this was his fault. Yet I could think of no other reason why I should feel this way.
Sunday morning I went through the motions of going to church but still felt disconnected. Knowing Daniel had meetings all afternoon, I made plans to spend the day with my parents. I couldn't bear the thought of spending ANOTHER day shut up in the house with no other adult around to help play choo-choos.
Except, I'm ashamed to admit, there's more to it than that. See, I couldn't shake the sense of loneliness. Even the word itself was playing over and over like a skipping CD, taunting me and reaffirming the loneliness. And I still wanted to blame Daniel for it. I was cold toward him. Not mean or rude, just cold. I had been all weekend. I was hurt so I wanted him to hurt. [I am literally realizing this as I type it out. Ugh. I am so ashamed of myself.] I made the plans with my parents then I decided I wouldn't tell Daniel in person. I'd leave a note in the kitchen so he'd come home to an empty house, expecting us to be there waiting for him, only to find out that we had gone on to have a great day without him! "Yes- then he'll be lonely just like me!!" I thought. And won't that solve all the problems...
So as soon as the service was finished, I turned to go collect the kids from Sunday school but was met with a very dear lady who said I looked like I could use a hug. And as she hugged me, tears stung my eyes. Her hug chipped away at my loneliness and a new word sprung to mind. Her hug broke through the enemy's accusation that I was lonely. She reminded me that I'm loved. Loved. Then two rows behind her, I was met by another dear lady who spoke of God's love for me. We talked about the sermon, and I said I often wonder if I'm doing enough to make God proud. She said sometimes God calls us to rest in His presence, that being with Him is what makes Him proud. Then we both started crying. And that was when the realization struck. I am lonely for Jesus. And this is not a loneliness that Daniel or our kids or my parents or any other human can fix. I was distracting myself from my loneliness and it wasn't until the snow took away my distractions that I felt the hole of loneliness. The cure is to spend time with Jesus.
Today is Monday. I've spent the day marinating in the fact that I am loved. I am loved by the King of everything. I woke up feeling loved. I changed diapers and dressed babies, made the bed, and got dressed all the while thinking that I am loved by Jesus Christ. Jesus has been lavishing His love on me today. He orchestrated 2 amazing things today. First, when cleaning up from breakfast I found a love letter from Daniel, stashed among the cereal boxes. When Daniel tells me of his love by taking the time to write it down, well let's just say my heart soars. Daniel is God's gift to me, he is an Ephesians 5:25 husband. Second, someone anonymously sent me the most beautiful flower arrangement today! I actually had a florist come knock on my door! There was a card with the flowers but no name, only Psalm 13:5-6 & Romans 8:38-39 "Nothing will be able to separate us from the love of God." Jesus sent me flowers today. He loves me ❤ ❤ ❤
Whomever you are, reading this blog, whether you know Him or not, whether you choose to acknowledge His existence or not, whether you care or not, YOU too are loved by Jesus Christ. Don't let the enemy tell you otherwise.
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