If virtual blogging made a noise, that would be the sound of me opening my blog to write again after 7 months of silence. Having babies will do that to you, I guess. It's also hard to find the inspiration to write when your day is filled with changing poopy diapers and endless hours of playing choo-choos. Nevertheless, that is not the point of today's blog!
Let's talk about last week. One week ago today we were in the midst of a snow storm. Finally we were getting the snow that we had mostly missed out on this winter! I truly love snow. I love it's beauty and it's color, pure white and sparkling. I love playing in it and then drinking hot chocolate to warm up after. I love when school gets cancelled and people hunker down indoors. I love everything about it! The thing is though, I love a snow day here and there. I do not love a snow week. Based on what I was seeing on Facebook, I was not the only mom in this predicament. After a week indoors, everyone's going a little bonkers. The snow has lost its luster and most people are ready for their normal routine. Yet for some unexplained reason, last week's snow sent me into a weirdly deep funk. We already spend a good chunk of our time cooped up. With a 2 yr old and 8 month old twins, it's hard to get out on a regular basis. When we do get out of the house, it has to be carefully orchestrated so when the activities you've already figured out all get cancelled... well let's just say that didn't put me in a great place emotionally. All of our regularly scheduled events got cancelled last week.
Every. single. one.
On top of this, as most of you know, people with grown up jobs don't get snow days, meaning Daniel still had to work. It was a looong week being cooped up inside with little people needing to be entertained.
Finally it was Saturday! True, it snowed again Friday night but Saturday is a fun day! Daniel doesn't have to work! We could play together as a family! I'd have someone else to help with the monotony that is playing choo-choos all. the. live. long. day. (In case you hadn't picked up on this, Isaiah really loves playing choo-choos with me. 'Cause I'm awesome at it. Gotta be good at something, right?!) So when Daniel asked if he could meet up with a friend to talk church-stuff, I kinda lost it. And by lost it I mean I went upstairs and cried to myself. And as I sat up there crying I realized I couldn't explain why I was crying. Daniel hadn't done anything wrong. I hadn't verbally expressed my plans for us to all stay home and have a "Hallmark channel" snow day. And he was asking if he could plan this meeting, not telling me he was already going to do it. I also hadn't shared with him just how trying the week had been. So as I sat there crying, the word I kept coming back to was lonely. I was crying because I felt lonely. Yet that didn't make sense. I'm surrounded by little people all day long. Daniel had even been home more than usual due to the snow. Feeling lonely just didn't make sense.
Unless you're lonely for Jesus.
Maybe you'll be surprised to read this but it's hard to find time to be with Jesus. Doesn't matter who you are, what you do, how old you are, or what your excuses are- It's hard to find time to be with Jesus. And when you get used to other things filling that hole, it's easy to ignore the fact that you haven't spent much quality time with Jesus. So when a giant snow storm took away all my other hole-fillers I was left feeling sad and lonely.
I wish I could say that I had this realization on Saturday morning while I was upstairs crying and I came back downstairs refreshed, recharged, and ready to rationally explain to Daniel that I was hoping for family time that day. But that would not be true. I came back downstairs, hoping that Daniel would notice I had been crying, read my mind, and lovingly wipe away all traces of my loneliness. That also would not be true. Daniel is not a mind reader (though I sure wish he would learn that skill. It would things so much easier for me ;) ) He was carrying on with his Saturday, playing with a very happy Isaiah. I finally worked up the courage to bring up the topic of his meeting and cried my way through our conversation. (Fun fact about me- I nearly always cry when having a difficult conversation with Daniel. I hate that I can't get through a conflict without crying but I can't control it.) Gratefully I married a patient man and I was able to speak my mind through the tears. He changed his meeting to Sunday. Problem solved, right? Nope, I still felt lonely.
Saturday night Daniel worked on his thesis while I watched a movie. Feeling lonely and pitiful, wanting desperately to blame the loneliness on Daniel but could find no evidence that this was his fault. Yet I could think of no other reason why I should feel this way.
Sunday morning I went through the motions of going to church but still felt disconnected. Knowing Daniel had meetings all afternoon, I made plans to spend the day with my parents. I couldn't bear the thought of spending ANOTHER day shut up in the house with no other adult around to help play choo-choos.
Except, I'm ashamed to admit, there's more to it than that. See, I couldn't shake the sense of loneliness. Even the word itself was playing over and over like a skipping CD, taunting me and reaffirming the loneliness. And I still wanted to blame Daniel for it. I was cold toward him. Not mean or rude, just cold. I had been all weekend. I was hurt so I wanted him to hurt. [I am literally realizing this as I type it out. Ugh. I am so ashamed of myself.] I made the plans with my parents then I decided I wouldn't tell Daniel in person. I'd leave a note in the kitchen so he'd come home to an empty house, expecting us to be there waiting for him, only to find out that we had gone on to have a great day without him! "Yes- then he'll be lonely just like me!!" I thought. And won't that solve all the problems...
So as soon as the service was finished, I turned to go collect the kids from Sunday school but was met with a very dear lady who said I looked like I could use a hug. And as she hugged me, tears stung my eyes. Her hug chipped away at my loneliness and a new word sprung to mind. Her hug broke through the enemy's accusation that I was lonely. She reminded me that I'm loved. Loved. Then two rows behind her, I was met by another dear lady who spoke of God's love for me. We talked about the sermon, and I said I often wonder if I'm doing enough to make God proud. She said sometimes God calls us to rest in His presence, that being with Him is what makes Him proud. Then we both started crying. And that was when the realization struck. I am lonely for Jesus. And this is not a loneliness that Daniel or our kids or my parents or any other human can fix. I was distracting myself from my loneliness and it wasn't until the snow took away my distractions that I felt the hole of loneliness. The cure is to spend time with Jesus.
Today is Monday. I've spent the day marinating in the fact that I am loved. I am loved by the King of everything. I woke up feeling loved. I changed diapers and dressed babies, made the bed, and got dressed all the while thinking that I am loved by Jesus Christ. Jesus has been lavishing His love on me today. He orchestrated 2 amazing things today. First, when cleaning up from breakfast I found a love letter from Daniel, stashed among the cereal boxes. When Daniel tells me of his love by taking the time to write it down, well let's just say my heart soars. Daniel is God's gift to me, he is an Ephesians 5:25 husband. Second, someone anonymously sent me the most beautiful flower arrangement today! I actually had a florist come knock on my door! There was a card with the flowers but no name, only Psalm 13:5-6 & Romans 8:38-39 "Nothing will be able to separate us from the love of God." Jesus sent me flowers today. He loves me ❤ ❤ ❤
Whomever you are, reading this blog, whether you know Him or not, whether you choose to acknowledge His existence or not, whether you care or not, YOU too are loved by Jesus Christ. Don't let the enemy tell you otherwise.
