Daniel is away at a staff retreat this weekend and I hate it. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad he's able to get away and seek the Lord with the staff & elders of the Parkside Christian Church. I'm glad they're taking the time to make sure they're listening to God and paying attention to the way He wants Parkside run. But I hate that it means Daniel is gone over night. Of course it didn't help that after Daniel left Isaiah cried unconsolably for his dada to come home. It also didn't help that every time he heard a loud truck outside or heard the door open he'd jump up and say "dada's home!" Eventually he calmed down and the evening was fine. We baked Christmas cookies & watched "Thomas the Train" and all was right in his world.
And then I put the kids to bed. When the house goes silent while the messes get cleaned up, the Enemy launches his attack arrows.
Arrow #1 "You know you're not going to sleep well tonight with Daniel gone."
Arrow #2 "Maybe you should sleep on the couch with a weapon so if something happens you'll hear it sooner."
Arrow #3 "How can I barricade the house so bad guys can't get in?"
As I worked around the house I could feel my spirit absorbing these fear arrows, taking each hit and feeling powerless to stop the barrage. Trying to distract myself, I got on Facebook only to read about a pastor's wife in Indiana murdered during a home invasion. Terrorist attacks in Paris. Rape in a New York elementary school. Islamic radicals disguised as Syrian refugees, looking to run the world. UGH! I am in a deluge of fear. I want to bury my head in naiveté and ignorance and surround myself with only happiness and cheer. I want to wrap up my children and control their every interaction/relationship/experience for the next 30 years. I want to understand why God won't protect the good people and stop the bad things. I want to shake off the fear arrows but feel incapable. I want to trust God's plan but what I REALLY want is to be the one in control of the plan.
And then my God, who knows me so perfectly well, begins to subdue my fears through this song,
No Longer Slaves.
"I'm no longer a slave to fear, I'm a child of God." Isaiah is 3 and he understands fear. I'll hear him talking to himself when he's climbing down the steps saying "I'm not gonna fall. Go slow." or sometimes when we're driving he'll notice another car and say "Are we gonna crash that car?" (Although that may not actually be fear, he might be thinking that would be fun...) Anyway, my point is that even at 3 years old, Isaiah understands fear. We didn't have to teach him to be afraid. And yet when he is afraid, my immediate reaction is to soothe his fears. If I hear him talking to himself on the steps, I might walk over and ask if he wants help so he doesn't fall. If he asks about the cars crashing I'll tell him that I'm being a careful driver and am paying close attention so we don't crash. How much more does God want to soothe my grown up fears? Even though I am imperfect, (I'd even go so far as to say I'm evil- especially compared to God Romans 3:10) I know how and love to give good gifts to my kids. How much more so does God, who is PERFECT, want to give good gifts to me and my family? (Luke 7:11) Could God be nearby while the Enemy attacks, whispering His words of truth and peace to calm my fears? Yet I don't turn to him first, I don't immediately seek His presence to let Him calm me down. No, I choose worry. I give in to the fear and let it steal my peace & my sleep. I LET THE ENEMY BEAT ME UP WITHOUT FIGHTING BACK.
This is DUMB, you guys! I don't WANT to feel afraid but my actions say otherwise! I choose fear, I give in to it's weight. I let my imagination run wild when I should capturing those thoughts and kicking them out of my brain. (2 Corinthians 10:5)
Even if the WORST thing imaginable happens-- GOD remains unchanged, offering the same peace He always has. Even if the lives of my loves end before mine, God will have a plan and a purpose for that heartbreak.
So, after awhile I got tired of letting the Enemy beat me up without fighting back. I turned on worship music. I opened up my list of fear scriptures and began reading them out loud (Ephesians 6:10-20 is a favorite.) Ever so slowly I could feel the fear subside. I had a little praise party then went to bed. And as I lay in bed, the Enemy assault began all over again. As I started praying again, I felt God ask "do you think Daniel can protect you better than I can?"
OUCH.
The answer is yes, I DO think Daniel can protect me better than God. Daniel is strong and quick and knows how to use weapons. AND I CAN SEE HIM. God is invisible, how can I trust He'll protect me if my eyes aren't reassured? God lets bad things to happen to His people. Yet God is eternal and sees eternity and people's actions as contributing to one whole picture, not in misty fragments like I see time (James 4:14). Daniel, though it pains me to think of it, is mortal and won't be with me forever. Daniel is strong. God can never be conquered. Daniel is quick. God can never be outrun. God beats Daniel every. single. time.
So where does this leave me? Repentant. and humbled.
Is evil running rampant in our world? Yes. Since the beginning, evil has been present in God's creation. This is not new.
Are there very real threats to our safety every single day? Yes. But if we constantly choose fear over faith then how can God be glorified? Though my culture would have me believe otherwise, 'it' is not about me or my safety or my comfort. 'It' is about letting God use my life to bring Him glory. Simply that. What if God would be most glorified through letting the very worst thing happen to me? Am I open to that? No. Nope. Oh God, please don't ask that of me.
Sigh. Yes. Yes Lord. I will submit. I will obey. I will give you complete control over my life. Over Daniel, Isaiah, McKenna, Micaiah. Your glory is more important than my safety/comfort/life. On a small scale I have seen consistent proof of this in my life. I can trust it will remain true even in the worst.
So am I fixed? Is this fear issue resolved in me? I've worshipped and praised God. I've covered the sin in repentance. I've taken active steps to turn away from the sinful behavior and replaced it with obedience. I'll be ready the next time the Enemy launches his assault. But ultimately, I think I'll always have to fight this battle. I guess only time will tell.
