Last Wednesday I got some amazing news. A trip to OB revealed a positive pregnancy test! My joy however was a little overshadowed because the point of the OB appointment was to remove the IUD contraceptive I'd had implanted a year ago. The doctor explained that pulling the IUD might result in a miscarriage but no matter what we had to get the IUD out, we had to take those chances. After the procedure I left the doctor and immediately went to Parkside to tell Daniel. We couldn't believe God would bless us with this pregnancy. The odds of getting pregnant with an IUD are .01%-- this must be one special baby! We knew to keep our hopes in check, not knowing what the next few days would hold, but still we were excited.
With the IUD in the way the doctor couldn't get a clear look at my uterus to see the pregnancy and she wanted an accurate hormone level to figure out how far along the pregnancy was so on Friday I went to the hospital to get blood drawn. Later the night she called to tell me the hormone levels hadn't doubled like they'd expected and while that didn't automatically mean miscarriage it meant the odds of this pregnancy becoming viable were about 1%. Still, we believed God had created this life for a reason. We spread the word to some trusted prayer warriors and spent the weekend praying that God would infuse this baby with life and health.
Monday morning I went back to the hospital for another blood draw to check hormone levels. Monday afternoon I got a voicemail from the doctor and her tone was not upbeat. She asked that I come to her office as soon as possible. My hormone levels had not responded the way we had hoped and she needed to do an ultrasound to see what was going on in my body. I hightailed it to her office and she got me in right away. As I lay on the table, the ultrasound technician was being very quiet and I knew there was no baby. She explained that she could see no evidence of a baby in my uterus but she could definitely see something abnormal on my left fallopian tube. This is not good. Thanks to Dr. Google and the research I had done on IUD pregnancies, I knew the risk of an ectopic pregnancy was high. (An ectopic pregnancy is when the fertilized egg implants outside of the uterus.) The doctor explained I had 2 choices- I could get a shot of some drug that would work over a few days to dissolve the pregnancy tissue or I could head to the hospital for surgery to remove the pregnancy. After a tearful phone call with Daniel, I chose surgery. I just wanted the whole ordeal to be over and done with. I called my mom to come get our kids and headed home to pack an overnight bag.
I got to the hospital by myself around 5pm. Daniel was at home waiting for my mom to come get the kids. We figured I'd be waiting awhile before they were ready to call me back so we thought I'd at least get a head start. Except when I got to the hospital they were actually ready for me. A nurse, Rhonda, took me into Same Day Surgery and got me settled in right away. At that point the reality of what I was about to undergo began to sink in and I just wanted it to be over. I was laying on the hospital bed, waiting for Daniel to get there, annoyed at the pinch of the IV needle in my arm, and feeling completely trapped. and antsy. Like I wanted to be DOING something, to be proactive about whatever I was about to face. I wondered if this is how prison inmates feel. Stuck in a tiny, boring room, unsure of what your future will look like, a million "what ifs" running through your brain, and yet completely stuck. It was awful. Thinking back, I wonder if I was actually having a minor anxiety attack... Finally the nurse came in and we began the journey to the Operating Room. It was freezing cold in the OR and as they piled warm blankets on top of me, the nursing student assigned to help make me comfortable asked if I needed anything. I told her I just wanted the anesthesia to make me fall asleep so I could get this over with. She laughed and graciously someone brought over the plastic mask that would whisk me away. Another nurse placed the mask on my mouth and told me to breathe deeply. The last thing I remember is hearing him loudly call my name, telling me to keep breathing.
As I woke up in the recovery room, I remember shivering so violently, I think the shivering was what actually helped me come to. (Why are hospitals SO cold?!) Daniel was there and the nurses piled me with more blankets. It was 9pm. As I came out my fog Daniel explained the details of the surgery. While in surgery the doctor discovered that the ectopic pregnancy had actually caused my left fallopian tube to rupture and I had already begun bleeding into my stomach (about 8 oz of blood had already leaked out.) This is very bad. This is why ladies die from ectopic pregnancies. If I had opted for the shot instead of surgery, there's no telling how much more blood I would have lost and what the outcome could have been. Praise God for His timing.
The doctor removed my left fallopian tube. She reassured me that this shouldn't affect my fertility, and that if Daniel & I decide to have another baby we shouldn't have any trouble. And despite the incisions from the surgery, my pain has been very minimal. Typically this kind of surgery is a same day, in-and-out, kind of thing but because it was so late in the evening they let me stay overnight. So as the nurse wheeled me up to my room, she explained that the hospital was really full and that I'd probably be sharing a room with another patient. Disheartened that Daniel wouldn't be able to stay the night, I knew nothing could be done about it. Except when she wheeled me into my room, there was another bed but no roommate. I asked if Daniel could stay with me and they said yes! Praise God for His care! I was so very grateful to have Daniel close by, it was such a comfort to me. Neither of us got a great night's sleep (hospitals are NOISY!) and Tuesday morning we were ready to head home.
Today is Thursday and physically I'm feeling fine. My incision sites are sore and I'm beat by the end of the day but my pain is nonexistent. Emotionally however, I'm not sure how I feel. I believe that Daniel & I have another baby to meet in heaven, but I also feel like this baby never even had a chance. Without implanting in the uterus there's no way for a baby to gather nutrients and grow so this one never would have survived.
Except this baby could have survived if there was not an IUD contraceptive device in it's way.
OK, so at this point in the blog post I'm going to dive into the spiritual side of my story. And I'd like to preface it with a little disclaimer. The thoughts, opinions, and emotions are expressed here are true for me. I know in my spirit that what I'm about to share with you is true. You might not like what you're about to read. You might disagree with my theology or you might think that God doesn't deal with people the way I believe he's dealing with me but all I can tell you is that this is what's true for me today.
Back in September, Daniel & I had a conversation about the IUD and we decided that while it was nice to not have to think about contraception, we wanted to trust God with our family and to trust His plan to grow our family according to His plan and not ours. We decided God was telling us to get the IUD out. I knew in my spirit this decision was from God. But I didn't make the appointment. I kept putting it off. I even joked with friends about how I kept forgetting to do it and I didn't even feel the sting on my conscience! Maybe I had misunderstood what God was saying? Maybe He didn't care if I had an IUD? Finally in late October I made the appointment but they were so booked they couldn't see me until the first week of December. No problem, I thought. Then in mid-November I started bleeding (what I thought was my period) except I bled off and on for most of the second half of November. This is REALLY not normal for me. Thanksgiving day I had a particularly awful rush of blood and I even called my OB to make sure everything was ok and she reassured me it was fine, normal even. The day of my appointment couldn't come soon enough just so I could get some answers for the bleeding (and hopefully get it to stop!) But I began to think that if I had just gotten the IUD out in September when God had first told me to do so, I wouldn't be bleeding like this.
Slowly, I began to realize that by not following the prompting of the Holy Spirit and being obedient in September, I was now experiencing the consequences of my disobedience. Because I was disobedient by not scheduling my appointment sooner, I was now facing the consequences of my lack of action. Consequences for one's actions is a big deal in my house right now. Daniel & I are working on raising 3 healthy, well adjusted, contributing members of society and learning to be obedient is a part of that. Learning that one's actions have good or bad consequences is also a part of that, whether you're a 3 year old kid, learning right from wrong or whether you're a 32 year old follower of Christ, learning about holiness. We talk about this A LOT in our house.
So just as there are consequences for actions on earth, then there are also consequences to our spiritual actions. And as I grow in my walk with the Lord, His voice, the voice of the Holy Spirit, becomes louder and more clear to me. I KNOW when I'm hearing from the Lord. I know what His voice "sounds" like and, for the most part, I know when instructions have come from him.
So before you start throwing tomatoes at me, let me clarify what I'm NOT saying.
I'm NOT saying God took our baby away because I disobeyed or that God punished me by allowing me to have an ectopic pregnancy. I know that God doesn't work like that. I'm saying God let me suffer the consequences of my actions. Could He have prevented the whole thing? Sure He could but then I wouldn't be learning this very valuable lesson about immediate obedience. (Hebrews 12)
I AM saying that sin has consequences. And while there is grace to cover our sins, the Lord will still allow us to suffer those consequences in order to draw us closer to Him. I'm also praising God for His grace in that I'm still A L I V E! This ectopic pregnancy really could have killed me and I'm grateful that the Lord has given me more time with my family on this earth.
I have repented for my disobedience in September and I know I'm forgiven. I really do not carry any guilt over this ordeal. I do feel remorse over my sin and I have certainly learned the value in immediate obedience but I'm no slave to a guilty conscience.
You do not have to agree with me or believe that God allows consequences for actions in this way. Maybe God deals with you differently than He does with me. But this is what is true for me. I'm blessed that He loves me enough to discipline me and draw me nearer to Him.
“My son, do not make light of the Lord’s discipline,
and do not lose heart when he rebukes you,
6 because the Lord disciplines the one he loves,
and he chastens everyone he accepts as his son.”
Proverbs 3:11,12
