I sat at the kitchen table writing my mom's Mother's Day card and at the bottom of the card I wrote "You are worthy of being celebrated today." This statement is so true for my mom, as well as my incredible mother-in-law. If ever there were a competition of 'momliness,' my mom would TOTALLY beat your mom. (Good thing this competition does not exist ;) In all seriousness though, she has so thoroughly modeled a Godly mom to me. My mom is the kind of mom that Mother's Day exists for. She is so worthy of being celebrated today because of all the selfless sacrifices she has made over my 32 years and CONTINUES to make. Which made me wonder, "am I worthy of being celebrated today?"
Now please don't get me wrong. This is not a "woe is me, I'm a bad mom" post or even a "being a mom is hard" post. This is just a plain 'ol "wondering about worthiness" post. But as I crawled under the kitchen table to wipe up breakfast (soggy Rice Krispies- yuck), I wondered, "is this what makes me worthy of being celebrated? because I keep our house tidy? ...I think it's more than that." Then as I stood at the sink to wash dishes I thought, "is my worthiness found in making good food; teaching my kids the value of eating well and nourishing their bodies? That's not very fulfilling for me." I keep thinking of a new soldier, deep in the trenches of war, trying to remember his training, working hard just to stay alive and keep his fellow soldiers alive. Then one day his commanding officer says "Hey soldier! We're celebrating you today, for keeping your head down and staying alive!" And the soldier say, "Don't celebrate me now! I haven't done anything yet!"
The reality is, I know (in my brain) that my worth doesn't comes from any of these superficial places like keeping a tidy house with clean dishes. I know that the only way I'm worthy is because Jesus makes me so. Yet I don't... feel it. My heart is sending messages like "There aren't enough hours in the day. How can you possibly get all of your projects done AND pay attention to the kids? Your children are going to look back on their childhoods and say "I remember mom almost always had a (phone or computer) screen in front of her."
While I know I'm constantly making selfless decisions for my kids, I don't FEEL selfless. Plus, I don't LIKE making the selfless decisions. My flesh rails against it and I regularly let it win!! Sometimes I, ON PURPOSE, let the kids watch 2 hours of "Bubble Guppies" so I can finish a project or make dinner or just get something DONE! Yes, I know research has shown that too much screen time is bad for kid's imaginations. Yes, I know that technology has invaded my home when my 1 yr old screams for Daniel's phone just so he can watch "bayball" (Micaiah speak for baseball.)
Do these 'Read family secrets' detract from my Mother's Day worthiness? Here's the only way I can think to answer that question.
I'll never be worthy. Even on my best mom days when the TV never gets turned on and no one even asks to "play the phone," I'm still not worthy to begin with. I can never be worthy on my own merit. I can never be a perfect enough mom to be worthy of being celebrated on Mother's Day.
But for Jesus...
BECAUSE OF JESUS working in me, calling me to spend time with Him so He can teach me about living, He makes me worthy.
BECAUSE OF JESUS planting loving people in my path to encourage me and come along side me to show me a better way, He makes me worthy.
BECAUSE OF JESUS blessing me with 3.5 incredible children and the most amazing husband I never dreamed I'd call my own, He makes me worthy.
Remove Jesus and my worth goes with it.
I'm only worthy because I have an active and alive Savior working in me EVERY DAY to lessen the sting of the bad mom days, to prod me to apologize to the kids when I blow up at them, to work out the selfishness so that it's completely eliminated from me, to remind me to put my work down and play with my kids.
Today marks my 4th Mother's Day. I've yet to feel WORTHY of being celebrated on Mother's Day. (Maybe we should change the name of it to Grandmother's Day-- there's an idea!!) Maybe when my kids are all grown up and I get to be a grandma then I'll feel worthy of all the Mother's Day hoopla. Or maybe I just haven't had enough years of motherly sacrifices to feel worthy of the holiday. Either way, until I feel worthy, I'll just keep reminding myself that it's Jesus who makes me worthy and that will never change, regardless of whether my emotions catch up. Fake it 'til you make it, right?
To my mama friends that will read this, I hope you have a genuinely HAPPY, fulfilling, gratitude-filled Mother's Day, whether you think you deserve it or not. It's Jesus who makes you worthy and you can't change that.
All my mama love,
Katie
