I sat at the kitchen table writing my mom's Mother's Day card and at the bottom of the card I wrote "You are worthy of being celebrated today." This statement is so true for my mom, as well as my incredible mother-in-law. If ever there were a competition of 'momliness,' my mom would TOTALLY beat your mom. (Good thing this competition does not exist ;) In all seriousness though, she has so thoroughly modeled a Godly mom to me. My mom is the kind of mom that Mother's Day exists for. She is so worthy of being celebrated today because of all the selfless sacrifices she has made over my 32 years and CONTINUES to make. Which made me wonder, "am I worthy of being celebrated today?"
Now please don't get me wrong. This is not a "woe is me, I'm a bad mom" post or even a "being a mom is hard" post. This is just a plain 'ol "wondering about worthiness" post. But as I crawled under the kitchen table to wipe up breakfast (soggy Rice Krispies- yuck), I wondered, "is this what makes me worthy of being celebrated? because I keep our house tidy? ...I think it's more than that." Then as I stood at the sink to wash dishes I thought, "is my worthiness found in making good food; teaching my kids the value of eating well and nourishing their bodies? That's not very fulfilling for me." I keep thinking of a new soldier, deep in the trenches of war, trying to remember his training, working hard just to stay alive and keep his fellow soldiers alive. Then one day his commanding officer says "Hey soldier! We're celebrating you today, for keeping your head down and staying alive!" And the soldier say, "Don't celebrate me now! I haven't done anything yet!"
The reality is, I know (in my brain) that my worth doesn't comes from any of these superficial places like keeping a tidy house with clean dishes. I know that the only way I'm worthy is because Jesus makes me so. Yet I don't... feel it. My heart is sending messages like "There aren't enough hours in the day. How can you possibly get all of your projects done AND pay attention to the kids? Your children are going to look back on their childhoods and say "I remember mom almost always had a (phone or computer) screen in front of her."
While I know I'm constantly making selfless decisions for my kids, I don't FEEL selfless. Plus, I don't LIKE making the selfless decisions. My flesh rails against it and I regularly let it win!! Sometimes I, ON PURPOSE, let the kids watch 2 hours of "Bubble Guppies" so I can finish a project or make dinner or just get something DONE! Yes, I know research has shown that too much screen time is bad for kid's imaginations. Yes, I know that technology has invaded my home when my 1 yr old screams for Daniel's phone just so he can watch "bayball" (Micaiah speak for baseball.)
Do these 'Read family secrets' detract from my Mother's Day worthiness? Here's the only way I can think to answer that question.
I'll never be worthy. Even on my best mom days when the TV never gets turned on and no one even asks to "play the phone," I'm still not worthy to begin with. I can never be worthy on my own merit. I can never be a perfect enough mom to be worthy of being celebrated on Mother's Day.
But for Jesus...
BECAUSE OF JESUS working in me, calling me to spend time with Him so He can teach me about living, He makes me worthy.
BECAUSE OF JESUS planting loving people in my path to encourage me and come along side me to show me a better way, He makes me worthy.
BECAUSE OF JESUS blessing me with 3.5 incredible children and the most amazing husband I never dreamed I'd call my own, He makes me worthy.
Remove Jesus and my worth goes with it.
I'm only worthy because I have an active and alive Savior working in me EVERY DAY to lessen the sting of the bad mom days, to prod me to apologize to the kids when I blow up at them, to work out the selfishness so that it's completely eliminated from me, to remind me to put my work down and play with my kids.
Today marks my 4th Mother's Day. I've yet to feel WORTHY of being celebrated on Mother's Day. (Maybe we should change the name of it to Grandmother's Day-- there's an idea!!) Maybe when my kids are all grown up and I get to be a grandma then I'll feel worthy of all the Mother's Day hoopla. Or maybe I just haven't had enough years of motherly sacrifices to feel worthy of the holiday. Either way, until I feel worthy, I'll just keep reminding myself that it's Jesus who makes me worthy and that will never change, regardless of whether my emotions catch up. Fake it 'til you make it, right?
To my mama friends that will read this, I hope you have a genuinely HAPPY, fulfilling, gratitude-filled Mother's Day, whether you think you deserve it or not. It's Jesus who makes you worthy and you can't change that.
All my mama love,
Katie
Sunday, May 8, 2016
Saturday, April 16, 2016
I'm God's Favorite
Something amazing happened today. Something people only dream about, something people may say has never happened to them and might never happen to them.
Chick-fil-a gave us free chicken for a year. I'm not even kidding.
And this means I'm God's favorite. Now before you go freaking out on me, let me clarify. First of all, we're ALL God's favorite. It's a complex God thing and I can't explain it, other than to say it works in the same way that God can have a personal relationship with every single person who chooses to know Him. Otherwise, if you know God and you love God and you serve God, then you're His favorite too. (And if you want more clarification and you want to talk about this in person, we can totally make that happen.) I digress!
So as many of you know, Daniel & I are the middle of a financial... freeze right now. After having drained our savings to buy the Price Hill house, there's not a whole lot of spending going on right now. And, to make things worse, we found out we owe the city of Cincinnati $607 in back taxes this year. (That one hurt like a blow to the gut.) Needless to say, I've been talking to God A LOT about His plans to provide for us and trying to remind myself to rely on God for security and not how much money we have saved.
We've also had some cool moments of provision too. A friend at church gave us 6 lbs of ground beef and a friend from my bible study gave me a plastic bag full of various cuts of beef from their grass fed, farm raised cow. Needless to say, God IS providing just not in the form of cash money per say.
Ok, now pause for some back story. About a month ago, Pam, a friend from church asked if our family would like to ride on a float in the Red's Opening Day parade. We said, "uum YES!" She works for Chick-fil-a and made all the arrangements for us to be "the family" on the Chick-fil-a float. We had a BLAST! The Chick-fil-a folks were so kind to us. They gave us a Chick-fil-a swag bag which included a SELFIE STICK! I was in heaven. We had a great time and truly loved being Chick-fil-a's "Fan Family." Then, a few days after the parade, Pam emailed again and said that the manager of the Chick-fil-a in Anderson wanted to have us over for lunch! Well, we jumped at the chance for some FREE Chick-fil-a.
So that brings us up to today and why I'm God's favorite.
We scheduled the lunch for 11am today and, true to form, we were running late. We got to Chick-fil-a around 11:10, and I noticed Pam's husband Glen taking pictures of us as we walked in. It seemed a little odd but Pam does the Anderson Chick-fil-a's marketing so I didn't think anything of it. We walked in the door and suddenly heard cheering! My parents were there! Daniel's parents were there! Several families from church and some from our small group were there! It was a Chick-fil-a SURPRISE party!! FOR US!! I was COMPLETELY surprised (and I'm hard to surprise, I'm good at guessing.) So after greeting everyone, we got settled into our table because Chuck, the owner operator of the Anderson Chick-fil-a had a message for us. It was then that he pulled out the HUGE gift check with our names on it and told us we've earned free Chick-fil-a for a year. A YEAR! Heaven help my self control.
After we had eaten our delicious and free lunch (Chick-fil-a treated everyone at our surprise party to a free lunch!) and after the kids had played in the playland, we loaded up to go to our next event. In the car, as we were processing through all that had happened, I told Daniel that I felt so spoiled by God. He didn't have to do something so over-the-top for us. And getting free Chick-fil-a for a year certainly isn't going to help our lack of savings yet I still felt wildly cared for. loved. spoiled. by the God of the universe who see me and knows my heart and knows my troubles and fears and worries. I FELT like God's favorite today. And it felt so good!
Chick-fil-a gave us free chicken for a year. I'm not even kidding.
And this means I'm God's favorite. Now before you go freaking out on me, let me clarify. First of all, we're ALL God's favorite. It's a complex God thing and I can't explain it, other than to say it works in the same way that God can have a personal relationship with every single person who chooses to know Him. Otherwise, if you know God and you love God and you serve God, then you're His favorite too. (And if you want more clarification and you want to talk about this in person, we can totally make that happen.) I digress!
So as many of you know, Daniel & I are the middle of a financial... freeze right now. After having drained our savings to buy the Price Hill house, there's not a whole lot of spending going on right now. And, to make things worse, we found out we owe the city of Cincinnati $607 in back taxes this year. (That one hurt like a blow to the gut.) Needless to say, I've been talking to God A LOT about His plans to provide for us and trying to remind myself to rely on God for security and not how much money we have saved.
We've also had some cool moments of provision too. A friend at church gave us 6 lbs of ground beef and a friend from my bible study gave me a plastic bag full of various cuts of beef from their grass fed, farm raised cow. Needless to say, God IS providing just not in the form of cash money per say.
Ok, now pause for some back story. About a month ago, Pam, a friend from church asked if our family would like to ride on a float in the Red's Opening Day parade. We said, "uum YES!" She works for Chick-fil-a and made all the arrangements for us to be "the family" on the Chick-fil-a float. We had a BLAST! The Chick-fil-a folks were so kind to us. They gave us a Chick-fil-a swag bag which included a SELFIE STICK! I was in heaven. We had a great time and truly loved being Chick-fil-a's "Fan Family." Then, a few days after the parade, Pam emailed again and said that the manager of the Chick-fil-a in Anderson wanted to have us over for lunch! Well, we jumped at the chance for some FREE Chick-fil-a.
So that brings us up to today and why I'm God's favorite.
We scheduled the lunch for 11am today and, true to form, we were running late. We got to Chick-fil-a around 11:10, and I noticed Pam's husband Glen taking pictures of us as we walked in. It seemed a little odd but Pam does the Anderson Chick-fil-a's marketing so I didn't think anything of it. We walked in the door and suddenly heard cheering! My parents were there! Daniel's parents were there! Several families from church and some from our small group were there! It was a Chick-fil-a SURPRISE party!! FOR US!! I was COMPLETELY surprised (and I'm hard to surprise, I'm good at guessing.) So after greeting everyone, we got settled into our table because Chuck, the owner operator of the Anderson Chick-fil-a had a message for us. It was then that he pulled out the HUGE gift check with our names on it and told us we've earned free Chick-fil-a for a year. A YEAR! Heaven help my self control.
After we had eaten our delicious and free lunch (Chick-fil-a treated everyone at our surprise party to a free lunch!) and after the kids had played in the playland, we loaded up to go to our next event. In the car, as we were processing through all that had happened, I told Daniel that I felt so spoiled by God. He didn't have to do something so over-the-top for us. And getting free Chick-fil-a for a year certainly isn't going to help our lack of savings yet I still felt wildly cared for. loved. spoiled. by the God of the universe who see me and knows my heart and knows my troubles and fears and worries. I FELT like God's favorite today. And it felt so good!
Wednesday, March 9, 2016
A Baby Story
So, in case you missed our big announcement this morning, we're going to have another baby! As of today I'm 12 weeks along, with baby #4 due mid-September. Daniel & I couldn't be happier, though this pregnancy came as a MAJOR shock and here's why...
Back in November, Daniel & I conceived while I had an IUD contraceptive device in place. You can read that story in my previous post "Emergency Surgery." The emergency surgery was to remove my left fallopian tube after an ectopic pregnancy caused it to rupture. After the surgery the doctor reassured me that my fertility wouldn't be affected and that we should have no problem conceiving again if that was our desire. However she did ask us to refrain from all "pelvic activity" for a few weeks after the surgery to make sure my body had time to heal and get back to neutral before conceiving again. So we refrained. And on Dec 23, the doctor drew blood for the third and final time, confirmed that my body was officially back to a non-pregnant state and said Daniel & I could resume our "pelvic activity." So we did. And we conceived that week.
When we first found out we were pregnant in November, we were praying like CRAZY that God would allow that baby to survive. (The doctors were not very hopeful because most IUD pregnancies end up being ectopic.) We were amazed that God had allowed us to conceive despite the contraceptive. We wondered at how God was choosing to grow our family despite our human attempts to stop it. Then we lost the baby (and the fallopian tube) and were sorry we had meddled in God's plans for growing our family. So to have conceived again so soon feels like the greatest blessing in the world! Realizing that God has given us ANOTHER baby, even after our IUD troubles, feels like the most wonderful second (fourth?) chance!
So far this pregnancy has been wonderful! I felt very tired the first 7 weeks but that's mostly gone now. The worst symptom I have is that nothing ever really sounds good to eat. I've had a few consistent cravings (chocolate milkshakes, LaRosa's.) Praise God, I haven't been nauseous. I don't know how I'd have chased 3 kids around all day all while feeling sick to my stomach. (Shout out to nauseous pregnant mamas- you've got it rough sister!)
Right now the biggest decision is whether or not we'll find out the sex of the baby. Daniel wants to wait and be surprised upon delivery. I don't think I can stand not knowing... We've still got time to find a compromise ;)
So now you know the details! Thanks for rejoicing with us and welcoming this new little life. We can't wait to see how God decides to use this big ol' family He's given us!
3 3
3 Children are a heritage from the Lord,
offspring a reward from him.
4
4 Like arrows in the hands of a warrior
are children born in one’s youth.
5
5 Blessed is the man
whose quiver is full of them.
They will not be put to shame
when they contend with their opponents in court.
Psalm 127:3-5
Thursday, December 10, 2015
Emergency Surgery
Last Wednesday I got some amazing news. A trip to OB revealed a positive pregnancy test! My joy however was a little overshadowed because the point of the OB appointment was to remove the IUD contraceptive I'd had implanted a year ago. The doctor explained that pulling the IUD might result in a miscarriage but no matter what we had to get the IUD out, we had to take those chances. After the procedure I left the doctor and immediately went to Parkside to tell Daniel. We couldn't believe God would bless us with this pregnancy. The odds of getting pregnant with an IUD are .01%-- this must be one special baby! We knew to keep our hopes in check, not knowing what the next few days would hold, but still we were excited.
With the IUD in the way the doctor couldn't get a clear look at my uterus to see the pregnancy and she wanted an accurate hormone level to figure out how far along the pregnancy was so on Friday I went to the hospital to get blood drawn. Later the night she called to tell me the hormone levels hadn't doubled like they'd expected and while that didn't automatically mean miscarriage it meant the odds of this pregnancy becoming viable were about 1%. Still, we believed God had created this life for a reason. We spread the word to some trusted prayer warriors and spent the weekend praying that God would infuse this baby with life and health.
Monday morning I went back to the hospital for another blood draw to check hormone levels. Monday afternoon I got a voicemail from the doctor and her tone was not upbeat. She asked that I come to her office as soon as possible. My hormone levels had not responded the way we had hoped and she needed to do an ultrasound to see what was going on in my body. I hightailed it to her office and she got me in right away. As I lay on the table, the ultrasound technician was being very quiet and I knew there was no baby. She explained that she could see no evidence of a baby in my uterus but she could definitely see something abnormal on my left fallopian tube. This is not good. Thanks to Dr. Google and the research I had done on IUD pregnancies, I knew the risk of an ectopic pregnancy was high. (An ectopic pregnancy is when the fertilized egg implants outside of the uterus.) The doctor explained I had 2 choices- I could get a shot of some drug that would work over a few days to dissolve the pregnancy tissue or I could head to the hospital for surgery to remove the pregnancy. After a tearful phone call with Daniel, I chose surgery. I just wanted the whole ordeal to be over and done with. I called my mom to come get our kids and headed home to pack an overnight bag.
I got to the hospital by myself around 5pm. Daniel was at home waiting for my mom to come get the kids. We figured I'd be waiting awhile before they were ready to call me back so we thought I'd at least get a head start. Except when I got to the hospital they were actually ready for me. A nurse, Rhonda, took me into Same Day Surgery and got me settled in right away. At that point the reality of what I was about to undergo began to sink in and I just wanted it to be over. I was laying on the hospital bed, waiting for Daniel to get there, annoyed at the pinch of the IV needle in my arm, and feeling completely trapped. and antsy. Like I wanted to be DOING something, to be proactive about whatever I was about to face. I wondered if this is how prison inmates feel. Stuck in a tiny, boring room, unsure of what your future will look like, a million "what ifs" running through your brain, and yet completely stuck. It was awful. Thinking back, I wonder if I was actually having a minor anxiety attack... Finally the nurse came in and we began the journey to the Operating Room. It was freezing cold in the OR and as they piled warm blankets on top of me, the nursing student assigned to help make me comfortable asked if I needed anything. I told her I just wanted the anesthesia to make me fall asleep so I could get this over with. She laughed and graciously someone brought over the plastic mask that would whisk me away. Another nurse placed the mask on my mouth and told me to breathe deeply. The last thing I remember is hearing him loudly call my name, telling me to keep breathing.
As I woke up in the recovery room, I remember shivering so violently, I think the shivering was what actually helped me come to. (Why are hospitals SO cold?!) Daniel was there and the nurses piled me with more blankets. It was 9pm. As I came out my fog Daniel explained the details of the surgery. While in surgery the doctor discovered that the ectopic pregnancy had actually caused my left fallopian tube to rupture and I had already begun bleeding into my stomach (about 8 oz of blood had already leaked out.) This is very bad. This is why ladies die from ectopic pregnancies. If I had opted for the shot instead of surgery, there's no telling how much more blood I would have lost and what the outcome could have been. Praise God for His timing.
The doctor removed my left fallopian tube. She reassured me that this shouldn't affect my fertility, and that if Daniel & I decide to have another baby we shouldn't have any trouble. And despite the incisions from the surgery, my pain has been very minimal. Typically this kind of surgery is a same day, in-and-out, kind of thing but because it was so late in the evening they let me stay overnight. So as the nurse wheeled me up to my room, she explained that the hospital was really full and that I'd probably be sharing a room with another patient. Disheartened that Daniel wouldn't be able to stay the night, I knew nothing could be done about it. Except when she wheeled me into my room, there was another bed but no roommate. I asked if Daniel could stay with me and they said yes! Praise God for His care! I was so very grateful to have Daniel close by, it was such a comfort to me. Neither of us got a great night's sleep (hospitals are NOISY!) and Tuesday morning we were ready to head home.
Today is Thursday and physically I'm feeling fine. My incision sites are sore and I'm beat by the end of the day but my pain is nonexistent. Emotionally however, I'm not sure how I feel. I believe that Daniel & I have another baby to meet in heaven, but I also feel like this baby never even had a chance. Without implanting in the uterus there's no way for a baby to gather nutrients and grow so this one never would have survived.
Except this baby could have survived if there was not an IUD contraceptive device in it's way.
OK, so at this point in the blog post I'm going to dive into the spiritual side of my story. And I'd like to preface it with a little disclaimer. The thoughts, opinions, and emotions are expressed here are true for me. I know in my spirit that what I'm about to share with you is true. You might not like what you're about to read. You might disagree with my theology or you might think that God doesn't deal with people the way I believe he's dealing with me but all I can tell you is that this is what's true for me today.
Back in September, Daniel & I had a conversation about the IUD and we decided that while it was nice to not have to think about contraception, we wanted to trust God with our family and to trust His plan to grow our family according to His plan and not ours. We decided God was telling us to get the IUD out. I knew in my spirit this decision was from God. But I didn't make the appointment. I kept putting it off. I even joked with friends about how I kept forgetting to do it and I didn't even feel the sting on my conscience! Maybe I had misunderstood what God was saying? Maybe He didn't care if I had an IUD? Finally in late October I made the appointment but they were so booked they couldn't see me until the first week of December. No problem, I thought. Then in mid-November I started bleeding (what I thought was my period) except I bled off and on for most of the second half of November. This is REALLY not normal for me. Thanksgiving day I had a particularly awful rush of blood and I even called my OB to make sure everything was ok and she reassured me it was fine, normal even. The day of my appointment couldn't come soon enough just so I could get some answers for the bleeding (and hopefully get it to stop!) But I began to think that if I had just gotten the IUD out in September when God had first told me to do so, I wouldn't be bleeding like this.
Slowly, I began to realize that by not following the prompting of the Holy Spirit and being obedient in September, I was now experiencing the consequences of my disobedience. Because I was disobedient by not scheduling my appointment sooner, I was now facing the consequences of my lack of action. Consequences for one's actions is a big deal in my house right now. Daniel & I are working on raising 3 healthy, well adjusted, contributing members of society and learning to be obedient is a part of that. Learning that one's actions have good or bad consequences is also a part of that, whether you're a 3 year old kid, learning right from wrong or whether you're a 32 year old follower of Christ, learning about holiness. We talk about this A LOT in our house.
So just as there are consequences for actions on earth, then there are also consequences to our spiritual actions. And as I grow in my walk with the Lord, His voice, the voice of the Holy Spirit, becomes louder and more clear to me. I KNOW when I'm hearing from the Lord. I know what His voice "sounds" like and, for the most part, I know when instructions have come from him.
So before you start throwing tomatoes at me, let me clarify what I'm NOT saying.
I'm NOT saying God took our baby away because I disobeyed or that God punished me by allowing me to have an ectopic pregnancy. I know that God doesn't work like that. I'm saying God let me suffer the consequences of my actions. Could He have prevented the whole thing? Sure He could but then I wouldn't be learning this very valuable lesson about immediate obedience. (Hebrews 12)
I AM saying that sin has consequences. And while there is grace to cover our sins, the Lord will still allow us to suffer those consequences in order to draw us closer to Him. I'm also praising God for His grace in that I'm still A L I V E! This ectopic pregnancy really could have killed me and I'm grateful that the Lord has given me more time with my family on this earth.
I have repented for my disobedience in September and I know I'm forgiven. I really do not carry any guilt over this ordeal. I do feel remorse over my sin and I have certainly learned the value in immediate obedience but I'm no slave to a guilty conscience.
You do not have to agree with me or believe that God allows consequences for actions in this way. Maybe God deals with you differently than He does with me. But this is what is true for me. I'm blessed that He loves me enough to discipline me and draw me nearer to Him.
“My son, do not make light of the Lord’s discipline,
and do not lose heart when he rebukes you,
6 because the Lord disciplines the one he loves,
and he chastens everyone he accepts as his son.”
Proverbs 3:11,12
With the IUD in the way the doctor couldn't get a clear look at my uterus to see the pregnancy and she wanted an accurate hormone level to figure out how far along the pregnancy was so on Friday I went to the hospital to get blood drawn. Later the night she called to tell me the hormone levels hadn't doubled like they'd expected and while that didn't automatically mean miscarriage it meant the odds of this pregnancy becoming viable were about 1%. Still, we believed God had created this life for a reason. We spread the word to some trusted prayer warriors and spent the weekend praying that God would infuse this baby with life and health.
Monday morning I went back to the hospital for another blood draw to check hormone levels. Monday afternoon I got a voicemail from the doctor and her tone was not upbeat. She asked that I come to her office as soon as possible. My hormone levels had not responded the way we had hoped and she needed to do an ultrasound to see what was going on in my body. I hightailed it to her office and she got me in right away. As I lay on the table, the ultrasound technician was being very quiet and I knew there was no baby. She explained that she could see no evidence of a baby in my uterus but she could definitely see something abnormal on my left fallopian tube. This is not good. Thanks to Dr. Google and the research I had done on IUD pregnancies, I knew the risk of an ectopic pregnancy was high. (An ectopic pregnancy is when the fertilized egg implants outside of the uterus.) The doctor explained I had 2 choices- I could get a shot of some drug that would work over a few days to dissolve the pregnancy tissue or I could head to the hospital for surgery to remove the pregnancy. After a tearful phone call with Daniel, I chose surgery. I just wanted the whole ordeal to be over and done with. I called my mom to come get our kids and headed home to pack an overnight bag.
I got to the hospital by myself around 5pm. Daniel was at home waiting for my mom to come get the kids. We figured I'd be waiting awhile before they were ready to call me back so we thought I'd at least get a head start. Except when I got to the hospital they were actually ready for me. A nurse, Rhonda, took me into Same Day Surgery and got me settled in right away. At that point the reality of what I was about to undergo began to sink in and I just wanted it to be over. I was laying on the hospital bed, waiting for Daniel to get there, annoyed at the pinch of the IV needle in my arm, and feeling completely trapped. and antsy. Like I wanted to be DOING something, to be proactive about whatever I was about to face. I wondered if this is how prison inmates feel. Stuck in a tiny, boring room, unsure of what your future will look like, a million "what ifs" running through your brain, and yet completely stuck. It was awful. Thinking back, I wonder if I was actually having a minor anxiety attack... Finally the nurse came in and we began the journey to the Operating Room. It was freezing cold in the OR and as they piled warm blankets on top of me, the nursing student assigned to help make me comfortable asked if I needed anything. I told her I just wanted the anesthesia to make me fall asleep so I could get this over with. She laughed and graciously someone brought over the plastic mask that would whisk me away. Another nurse placed the mask on my mouth and told me to breathe deeply. The last thing I remember is hearing him loudly call my name, telling me to keep breathing.
As I woke up in the recovery room, I remember shivering so violently, I think the shivering was what actually helped me come to. (Why are hospitals SO cold?!) Daniel was there and the nurses piled me with more blankets. It was 9pm. As I came out my fog Daniel explained the details of the surgery. While in surgery the doctor discovered that the ectopic pregnancy had actually caused my left fallopian tube to rupture and I had already begun bleeding into my stomach (about 8 oz of blood had already leaked out.) This is very bad. This is why ladies die from ectopic pregnancies. If I had opted for the shot instead of surgery, there's no telling how much more blood I would have lost and what the outcome could have been. Praise God for His timing.
The doctor removed my left fallopian tube. She reassured me that this shouldn't affect my fertility, and that if Daniel & I decide to have another baby we shouldn't have any trouble. And despite the incisions from the surgery, my pain has been very minimal. Typically this kind of surgery is a same day, in-and-out, kind of thing but because it was so late in the evening they let me stay overnight. So as the nurse wheeled me up to my room, she explained that the hospital was really full and that I'd probably be sharing a room with another patient. Disheartened that Daniel wouldn't be able to stay the night, I knew nothing could be done about it. Except when she wheeled me into my room, there was another bed but no roommate. I asked if Daniel could stay with me and they said yes! Praise God for His care! I was so very grateful to have Daniel close by, it was such a comfort to me. Neither of us got a great night's sleep (hospitals are NOISY!) and Tuesday morning we were ready to head home.
Today is Thursday and physically I'm feeling fine. My incision sites are sore and I'm beat by the end of the day but my pain is nonexistent. Emotionally however, I'm not sure how I feel. I believe that Daniel & I have another baby to meet in heaven, but I also feel like this baby never even had a chance. Without implanting in the uterus there's no way for a baby to gather nutrients and grow so this one never would have survived.
Except this baby could have survived if there was not an IUD contraceptive device in it's way.
OK, so at this point in the blog post I'm going to dive into the spiritual side of my story. And I'd like to preface it with a little disclaimer. The thoughts, opinions, and emotions are expressed here are true for me. I know in my spirit that what I'm about to share with you is true. You might not like what you're about to read. You might disagree with my theology or you might think that God doesn't deal with people the way I believe he's dealing with me but all I can tell you is that this is what's true for me today.
Back in September, Daniel & I had a conversation about the IUD and we decided that while it was nice to not have to think about contraception, we wanted to trust God with our family and to trust His plan to grow our family according to His plan and not ours. We decided God was telling us to get the IUD out. I knew in my spirit this decision was from God. But I didn't make the appointment. I kept putting it off. I even joked with friends about how I kept forgetting to do it and I didn't even feel the sting on my conscience! Maybe I had misunderstood what God was saying? Maybe He didn't care if I had an IUD? Finally in late October I made the appointment but they were so booked they couldn't see me until the first week of December. No problem, I thought. Then in mid-November I started bleeding (what I thought was my period) except I bled off and on for most of the second half of November. This is REALLY not normal for me. Thanksgiving day I had a particularly awful rush of blood and I even called my OB to make sure everything was ok and she reassured me it was fine, normal even. The day of my appointment couldn't come soon enough just so I could get some answers for the bleeding (and hopefully get it to stop!) But I began to think that if I had just gotten the IUD out in September when God had first told me to do so, I wouldn't be bleeding like this.
Slowly, I began to realize that by not following the prompting of the Holy Spirit and being obedient in September, I was now experiencing the consequences of my disobedience. Because I was disobedient by not scheduling my appointment sooner, I was now facing the consequences of my lack of action. Consequences for one's actions is a big deal in my house right now. Daniel & I are working on raising 3 healthy, well adjusted, contributing members of society and learning to be obedient is a part of that. Learning that one's actions have good or bad consequences is also a part of that, whether you're a 3 year old kid, learning right from wrong or whether you're a 32 year old follower of Christ, learning about holiness. We talk about this A LOT in our house.
So just as there are consequences for actions on earth, then there are also consequences to our spiritual actions. And as I grow in my walk with the Lord, His voice, the voice of the Holy Spirit, becomes louder and more clear to me. I KNOW when I'm hearing from the Lord. I know what His voice "sounds" like and, for the most part, I know when instructions have come from him.
So before you start throwing tomatoes at me, let me clarify what I'm NOT saying.
I'm NOT saying God took our baby away because I disobeyed or that God punished me by allowing me to have an ectopic pregnancy. I know that God doesn't work like that. I'm saying God let me suffer the consequences of my actions. Could He have prevented the whole thing? Sure He could but then I wouldn't be learning this very valuable lesson about immediate obedience. (Hebrews 12)
I AM saying that sin has consequences. And while there is grace to cover our sins, the Lord will still allow us to suffer those consequences in order to draw us closer to Him. I'm also praising God for His grace in that I'm still A L I V E! This ectopic pregnancy really could have killed me and I'm grateful that the Lord has given me more time with my family on this earth.
I have repented for my disobedience in September and I know I'm forgiven. I really do not carry any guilt over this ordeal. I do feel remorse over my sin and I have certainly learned the value in immediate obedience but I'm no slave to a guilty conscience.
You do not have to agree with me or believe that God allows consequences for actions in this way. Maybe God deals with you differently than He does with me. But this is what is true for me. I'm blessed that He loves me enough to discipline me and draw me nearer to Him.
“My son, do not make light of the Lord’s discipline,
and do not lose heart when he rebukes you,
6 because the Lord disciplines the one he loves,
and he chastens everyone he accepts as his son.”
Proverbs 3:11,12
Saturday, November 14, 2015
Enemy Attack
Daniel is away at a staff retreat this weekend and I hate it. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad he's able to get away and seek the Lord with the staff & elders of the Parkside Christian Church. I'm glad they're taking the time to make sure they're listening to God and paying attention to the way He wants Parkside run. But I hate that it means Daniel is gone over night. Of course it didn't help that after Daniel left Isaiah cried unconsolably for his dada to come home. It also didn't help that every time he heard a loud truck outside or heard the door open he'd jump up and say "dada's home!" Eventually he calmed down and the evening was fine. We baked Christmas cookies & watched "Thomas the Train" and all was right in his world.
And then I put the kids to bed. When the house goes silent while the messes get cleaned up, the Enemy launches his attack arrows.
Arrow #1 "You know you're not going to sleep well tonight with Daniel gone."
Arrow #2 "Maybe you should sleep on the couch with a weapon so if something happens you'll hear it sooner."
Arrow #3 "How can I barricade the house so bad guys can't get in?"
As I worked around the house I could feel my spirit absorbing these fear arrows, taking each hit and feeling powerless to stop the barrage. Trying to distract myself, I got on Facebook only to read about a pastor's wife in Indiana murdered during a home invasion. Terrorist attacks in Paris. Rape in a New York elementary school. Islamic radicals disguised as Syrian refugees, looking to run the world. UGH! I am in a deluge of fear. I want to bury my head in naiveté and ignorance and surround myself with only happiness and cheer. I want to wrap up my children and control their every interaction/relationship/experience for the next 30 years. I want to understand why God won't protect the good people and stop the bad things. I want to shake off the fear arrows but feel incapable. I want to trust God's plan but what I REALLY want is to be the one in control of the plan.
And then my God, who knows me so perfectly well, begins to subdue my fears through this song,
No Longer Slaves.
"I'm no longer a slave to fear, I'm a child of God." Isaiah is 3 and he understands fear. I'll hear him talking to himself when he's climbing down the steps saying "I'm not gonna fall. Go slow." or sometimes when we're driving he'll notice another car and say "Are we gonna crash that car?" (Although that may not actually be fear, he might be thinking that would be fun...) Anyway, my point is that even at 3 years old, Isaiah understands fear. We didn't have to teach him to be afraid. And yet when he is afraid, my immediate reaction is to soothe his fears. If I hear him talking to himself on the steps, I might walk over and ask if he wants help so he doesn't fall. If he asks about the cars crashing I'll tell him that I'm being a careful driver and am paying close attention so we don't crash. How much more does God want to soothe my grown up fears? Even though I am imperfect, (I'd even go so far as to say I'm evil- especially compared to God Romans 3:10) I know how and love to give good gifts to my kids. How much more so does God, who is PERFECT, want to give good gifts to me and my family? (Luke 7:11) Could God be nearby while the Enemy attacks, whispering His words of truth and peace to calm my fears? Yet I don't turn to him first, I don't immediately seek His presence to let Him calm me down. No, I choose worry. I give in to the fear and let it steal my peace & my sleep. I LET THE ENEMY BEAT ME UP WITHOUT FIGHTING BACK.
This is DUMB, you guys! I don't WANT to feel afraid but my actions say otherwise! I choose fear, I give in to it's weight. I let my imagination run wild when I should capturing those thoughts and kicking them out of my brain. (2 Corinthians 10:5)
Even if the WORST thing imaginable happens-- GOD remains unchanged, offering the same peace He always has. Even if the lives of my loves end before mine, God will have a plan and a purpose for that heartbreak.
So, after awhile I got tired of letting the Enemy beat me up without fighting back. I turned on worship music. I opened up my list of fear scriptures and began reading them out loud (Ephesians 6:10-20 is a favorite.) Ever so slowly I could feel the fear subside. I had a little praise party then went to bed. And as I lay in bed, the Enemy assault began all over again. As I started praying again, I felt God ask "do you think Daniel can protect you better than I can?"
OUCH.
The answer is yes, I DO think Daniel can protect me better than God. Daniel is strong and quick and knows how to use weapons. AND I CAN SEE HIM. God is invisible, how can I trust He'll protect me if my eyes aren't reassured? God lets bad things to happen to His people. Yet God is eternal and sees eternity and people's actions as contributing to one whole picture, not in misty fragments like I see time (James 4:14). Daniel, though it pains me to think of it, is mortal and won't be with me forever. Daniel is strong. God can never be conquered. Daniel is quick. God can never be outrun. God beats Daniel every. single. time.
So where does this leave me? Repentant. and humbled.
Is evil running rampant in our world? Yes. Since the beginning, evil has been present in God's creation. This is not new.
Are there very real threats to our safety every single day? Yes. But if we constantly choose fear over faith then how can God be glorified? Though my culture would have me believe otherwise, 'it' is not about me or my safety or my comfort. 'It' is about letting God use my life to bring Him glory. Simply that. What if God would be most glorified through letting the very worst thing happen to me? Am I open to that? No. Nope. Oh God, please don't ask that of me.
Sigh. Yes. Yes Lord. I will submit. I will obey. I will give you complete control over my life. Over Daniel, Isaiah, McKenna, Micaiah. Your glory is more important than my safety/comfort/life. On a small scale I have seen consistent proof of this in my life. I can trust it will remain true even in the worst.
So am I fixed? Is this fear issue resolved in me? I've worshipped and praised God. I've covered the sin in repentance. I've taken active steps to turn away from the sinful behavior and replaced it with obedience. I'll be ready the next time the Enemy launches his assault. But ultimately, I think I'll always have to fight this battle. I guess only time will tell.
And then I put the kids to bed. When the house goes silent while the messes get cleaned up, the Enemy launches his attack arrows.
Arrow #1 "You know you're not going to sleep well tonight with Daniel gone."
Arrow #2 "Maybe you should sleep on the couch with a weapon so if something happens you'll hear it sooner."
Arrow #3 "How can I barricade the house so bad guys can't get in?"
As I worked around the house I could feel my spirit absorbing these fear arrows, taking each hit and feeling powerless to stop the barrage. Trying to distract myself, I got on Facebook only to read about a pastor's wife in Indiana murdered during a home invasion. Terrorist attacks in Paris. Rape in a New York elementary school. Islamic radicals disguised as Syrian refugees, looking to run the world. UGH! I am in a deluge of fear. I want to bury my head in naiveté and ignorance and surround myself with only happiness and cheer. I want to wrap up my children and control their every interaction/relationship/experience for the next 30 years. I want to understand why God won't protect the good people and stop the bad things. I want to shake off the fear arrows but feel incapable. I want to trust God's plan but what I REALLY want is to be the one in control of the plan.
And then my God, who knows me so perfectly well, begins to subdue my fears through this song,
No Longer Slaves.
"I'm no longer a slave to fear, I'm a child of God." Isaiah is 3 and he understands fear. I'll hear him talking to himself when he's climbing down the steps saying "I'm not gonna fall. Go slow." or sometimes when we're driving he'll notice another car and say "Are we gonna crash that car?" (Although that may not actually be fear, he might be thinking that would be fun...) Anyway, my point is that even at 3 years old, Isaiah understands fear. We didn't have to teach him to be afraid. And yet when he is afraid, my immediate reaction is to soothe his fears. If I hear him talking to himself on the steps, I might walk over and ask if he wants help so he doesn't fall. If he asks about the cars crashing I'll tell him that I'm being a careful driver and am paying close attention so we don't crash. How much more does God want to soothe my grown up fears? Even though I am imperfect, (I'd even go so far as to say I'm evil- especially compared to God Romans 3:10) I know how and love to give good gifts to my kids. How much more so does God, who is PERFECT, want to give good gifts to me and my family? (Luke 7:11) Could God be nearby while the Enemy attacks, whispering His words of truth and peace to calm my fears? Yet I don't turn to him first, I don't immediately seek His presence to let Him calm me down. No, I choose worry. I give in to the fear and let it steal my peace & my sleep. I LET THE ENEMY BEAT ME UP WITHOUT FIGHTING BACK.
This is DUMB, you guys! I don't WANT to feel afraid but my actions say otherwise! I choose fear, I give in to it's weight. I let my imagination run wild when I should capturing those thoughts and kicking them out of my brain. (2 Corinthians 10:5)
Even if the WORST thing imaginable happens-- GOD remains unchanged, offering the same peace He always has. Even if the lives of my loves end before mine, God will have a plan and a purpose for that heartbreak.
So, after awhile I got tired of letting the Enemy beat me up without fighting back. I turned on worship music. I opened up my list of fear scriptures and began reading them out loud (Ephesians 6:10-20 is a favorite.) Ever so slowly I could feel the fear subside. I had a little praise party then went to bed. And as I lay in bed, the Enemy assault began all over again. As I started praying again, I felt God ask "do you think Daniel can protect you better than I can?"
OUCH.
The answer is yes, I DO think Daniel can protect me better than God. Daniel is strong and quick and knows how to use weapons. AND I CAN SEE HIM. God is invisible, how can I trust He'll protect me if my eyes aren't reassured? God lets bad things to happen to His people. Yet God is eternal and sees eternity and people's actions as contributing to one whole picture, not in misty fragments like I see time (James 4:14). Daniel, though it pains me to think of it, is mortal and won't be with me forever. Daniel is strong. God can never be conquered. Daniel is quick. God can never be outrun. God beats Daniel every. single. time.
So where does this leave me? Repentant. and humbled.
Is evil running rampant in our world? Yes. Since the beginning, evil has been present in God's creation. This is not new.
Are there very real threats to our safety every single day? Yes. But if we constantly choose fear over faith then how can God be glorified? Though my culture would have me believe otherwise, 'it' is not about me or my safety or my comfort. 'It' is about letting God use my life to bring Him glory. Simply that. What if God would be most glorified through letting the very worst thing happen to me? Am I open to that? No. Nope. Oh God, please don't ask that of me.
Sigh. Yes. Yes Lord. I will submit. I will obey. I will give you complete control over my life. Over Daniel, Isaiah, McKenna, Micaiah. Your glory is more important than my safety/comfort/life. On a small scale I have seen consistent proof of this in my life. I can trust it will remain true even in the worst.
So am I fixed? Is this fear issue resolved in me? I've worshipped and praised God. I've covered the sin in repentance. I've taken active steps to turn away from the sinful behavior and replaced it with obedience. I'll be ready the next time the Enemy launches his assault. But ultimately, I think I'll always have to fight this battle. I guess only time will tell.
Sunday, September 13, 2015
Saturday Sabbath
I should be at church right now but a chain of events (that started with me waking up late) has kept me at home. So after spending some time seeking the Lord from the kitchen table I decided I wanted to make public some of what God said to me this morning.
Our family has been trying to be more intentional about "observing the Sabbath" and yesterday we were AWESOME at it. This Sabbath seeking began about a year ago. I can't remember why or how it came up but we have been trying to be more intentional about it ever since. The thing about Sabbathing (sorry about my neologism here, I don't think "sabbath-ing" is a word, but turning the noun into a verb just seems right) is that the Bible is completely vague about how to observe it. "Honor the Sabbath day and keep it holy" is commandment 4 in the list of 10. But God was way more specific when giving Moses instructions on how to build the Temple than He was giving instructions on how to honor & keep a Sabbath rest. Jump forward a bunch of years and we see that the Pharisees certainly couldn't get Sabbathing right either. Jesus had to put them in their places quite a few times when it came to abusing the idea of resting on the Sabbath. Jump forward a bunch MORE years and here sits the Read family of 5, trying to figure out just how we're supposed to Sabbath in these modern times. In the year or so since we've been intentionally Sabbathing, I think we've only been successful at it maybe 5 times. Ouch.
Which brings me to yesterday's awesome Sabbath WIN! It's not that we did anything amazingly different or even very spiritual. We just chose to (mostly) put aside our work and spend time together as a family. We watched cartoons and ate bacon for breakfast. We jumped on our new-to-us trampoline (thank you for the 2nd hand treasure Reeves family!) I finished a novel! We napped. We jumped on the trampoline some more. Daniel suggested we go to Joe's Crab Shack for dinner. (As we were getting ready to leave, I made up a song about this. The lyrics were "We're going out to eat! So mama doesn't have to cook & clean!" I taught Isaiah to sing it with me. It was fantastic.) There was a bit of work done. Daniel finished building a knife drawer for me to maximize my counter space. I had a stinky load of cloth diapers that REALLY needed to be washed. But I was pretty pleased with us- we mostly set aside our work in favor of playing with our kids and being present with each other.
I haven't asked him about this but my guess is that Sabbathing is harder for Daniel than it is for me. Since I'm home with the kids every day, my home projects are truly never done, making it easier to set aside. For Daniel, who leaves home and goes to work, only to come home and have other, different home projects to do, and less home time to complete them. I imagine that laying aside a perfectly good home project day for the purpose of resting is difficult. That may also be why we have only Sabbath-ed successfully a handful of times so far. There's just so much work to be done and not enough free time to do it. My point is that it makes me all the more grateful to him for leading our family by example and putting his own stuff aside to invest in his people.
You know what's funny about all of this? After having taken (almost) the entire day to rest, I should have felt more stressed about things being left undone. I should be feeling like today's work load has since doubled but in typical God fashion, I feel so refreshed! Having been given the freedom to set aside our work, sans guilt(!!), and purposefully spend time together as a family is so satisfyingly restful. I feel a deeper connection to Daniel today than I did yesterday. I feel a deeper commitment to my Jesus, to be about His business, to put aside my own comfort in order to seek His face and serve His people today.
I just feel renewed. Thanks for that Jesus, because as the Giver of good gifts, the gift of rest is a great one.
Our family has been trying to be more intentional about "observing the Sabbath" and yesterday we were AWESOME at it. This Sabbath seeking began about a year ago. I can't remember why or how it came up but we have been trying to be more intentional about it ever since. The thing about Sabbathing (sorry about my neologism here, I don't think "sabbath-ing" is a word, but turning the noun into a verb just seems right) is that the Bible is completely vague about how to observe it. "Honor the Sabbath day and keep it holy" is commandment 4 in the list of 10. But God was way more specific when giving Moses instructions on how to build the Temple than He was giving instructions on how to honor & keep a Sabbath rest. Jump forward a bunch of years and we see that the Pharisees certainly couldn't get Sabbathing right either. Jesus had to put them in their places quite a few times when it came to abusing the idea of resting on the Sabbath. Jump forward a bunch MORE years and here sits the Read family of 5, trying to figure out just how we're supposed to Sabbath in these modern times. In the year or so since we've been intentionally Sabbathing, I think we've only been successful at it maybe 5 times. Ouch.
Which brings me to yesterday's awesome Sabbath WIN! It's not that we did anything amazingly different or even very spiritual. We just chose to (mostly) put aside our work and spend time together as a family. We watched cartoons and ate bacon for breakfast. We jumped on our new-to-us trampoline (thank you for the 2nd hand treasure Reeves family!) I finished a novel! We napped. We jumped on the trampoline some more. Daniel suggested we go to Joe's Crab Shack for dinner. (As we were getting ready to leave, I made up a song about this. The lyrics were "We're going out to eat! So mama doesn't have to cook & clean!" I taught Isaiah to sing it with me. It was fantastic.) There was a bit of work done. Daniel finished building a knife drawer for me to maximize my counter space. I had a stinky load of cloth diapers that REALLY needed to be washed. But I was pretty pleased with us- we mostly set aside our work in favor of playing with our kids and being present with each other.
I haven't asked him about this but my guess is that Sabbathing is harder for Daniel than it is for me. Since I'm home with the kids every day, my home projects are truly never done, making it easier to set aside. For Daniel, who leaves home and goes to work, only to come home and have other, different home projects to do, and less home time to complete them. I imagine that laying aside a perfectly good home project day for the purpose of resting is difficult. That may also be why we have only Sabbath-ed successfully a handful of times so far. There's just so much work to be done and not enough free time to do it. My point is that it makes me all the more grateful to him for leading our family by example and putting his own stuff aside to invest in his people.
You know what's funny about all of this? After having taken (almost) the entire day to rest, I should have felt more stressed about things being left undone. I should be feeling like today's work load has since doubled but in typical God fashion, I feel so refreshed! Having been given the freedom to set aside our work, sans guilt(!!), and purposefully spend time together as a family is so satisfyingly restful. I feel a deeper connection to Daniel today than I did yesterday. I feel a deeper commitment to my Jesus, to be about His business, to put aside my own comfort in order to seek His face and serve His people today.
I just feel renewed. Thanks for that Jesus, because as the Giver of good gifts, the gift of rest is a great one.
Friday, June 26, 2015
YARP
I love to reminisce. I love looking back at old calendars, journal entries, and photo albums. And these days, thanks to technology there are old blog posts, the Timehop app, and my Facebook timeline to save all those details for me. So given my propensity to reminisce, today's date is a big one. On this day last year my prenatal doctor scheduled the c-section that would deliver our twins into the world. This time last year I was laying on an ultrasound table looking at my twins one last time before meeting them face to face. And I was remembering that today as I lay on another ultrasound table watching while the tech scanned my breasts for cancer.
I found a lump.
Spoiler alert: it's not cancer. It's nothing actually. The ultrasound showed nothing abnormal in my breast tissue. Maybe it's a miracle, maybe it's just the way God made my breasts. All I know is I can not stop saying "thank you God!" I'll save you the long story because it's not the point of today's post. I found the lump 3 weeks ago and have been wavering back and forth between faith and fear. Would I choose to trust my Savior to save me- heal me- deliver me from whatever this may be? Or would I let the enemy beat me up with his arrows of fear, doubt, and worry? I cannot say I was unwavering in my faith. I cannot say I didn't cry tears of pure sadness that maybe my children would grow up without me. I can say I have a squadron of prayer warriors surrounding me. The handful of people I told about the lump, they all prayed for me- out loud and in my presence not long after I shared the news. Not a promise to pray later but an immediate prayer in that moment. Talking to and leaning in to the One who really does have the power to bolster a faltering faith, send His Spirit of peace, and maybe even heal cancer, He really does listen when we pray. I have felt His presence, this feeling of a gooey warmth in my belly that replaces the rock hard pit of fear. This feeling of sitting inside a holy forcefield, where no barb, arrow, or bullet the enemy throws can penetrate. It is as real to me as the computer on which I type. Here's my point- let's pray more for each other, out loud and in each other's presence. Yes, it could be awkward. Yes, it might make people feel uncomfortable. Yes, you might look a little strange with your head bowed in front of the cashier at Kroger or the waitress in the restaurant. But isn't God worth a little awkward? Isn't it worth feeling uncomfortable so people can know, firsthand, the peace that the Holy Spirit can bring? I am telling you the Lord our God is might to save and He is L I S T E N I N G to you. Also, He's REALLY good at it. He's a "hanging on every word" kind of listener. God doesn't listen like humans sometimes do, with one eye turned toward to TV or with His face glued to His phone. God gives you His full attention, looks deeply into your heart, and hears every word you will send His way.
Need more proof?
"God’s there, listening for all who pray, for all who pray and mean it."
Psalm 145:18 (The Message)
I found a lump.
Spoiler alert: it's not cancer. It's nothing actually. The ultrasound showed nothing abnormal in my breast tissue. Maybe it's a miracle, maybe it's just the way God made my breasts. All I know is I can not stop saying "thank you God!" I'll save you the long story because it's not the point of today's post. I found the lump 3 weeks ago and have been wavering back and forth between faith and fear. Would I choose to trust my Savior to save me- heal me- deliver me from whatever this may be? Or would I let the enemy beat me up with his arrows of fear, doubt, and worry? I cannot say I was unwavering in my faith. I cannot say I didn't cry tears of pure sadness that maybe my children would grow up without me. I can say I have a squadron of prayer warriors surrounding me. The handful of people I told about the lump, they all prayed for me- out loud and in my presence not long after I shared the news. Not a promise to pray later but an immediate prayer in that moment. Talking to and leaning in to the One who really does have the power to bolster a faltering faith, send His Spirit of peace, and maybe even heal cancer, He really does listen when we pray. I have felt His presence, this feeling of a gooey warmth in my belly that replaces the rock hard pit of fear. This feeling of sitting inside a holy forcefield, where no barb, arrow, or bullet the enemy throws can penetrate. It is as real to me as the computer on which I type. Here's my point- let's pray more for each other, out loud and in each other's presence. Yes, it could be awkward. Yes, it might make people feel uncomfortable. Yes, you might look a little strange with your head bowed in front of the cashier at Kroger or the waitress in the restaurant. But isn't God worth a little awkward? Isn't it worth feeling uncomfortable so people can know, firsthand, the peace that the Holy Spirit can bring? I am telling you the Lord our God is might to save and He is L I S T E N I N G to you. Also, He's REALLY good at it. He's a "hanging on every word" kind of listener. God doesn't listen like humans sometimes do, with one eye turned toward to TV or with His face glued to His phone. God gives you His full attention, looks deeply into your heart, and hears every word you will send His way.
Need more proof?
"God’s there, listening for all who pray, for all who pray and mean it."
Psalm 145:18 (The Message)
“Don’t bargain with God. Be direct. Ask for what you need. This isn’t a cat-and-mouse, hide-and-seek game we’re in. If your child asks for bread, do you trick him with sawdust? If he asks for fish, do you scare him with a live snake on his plate? As bad as you are, you wouldn’t think of such a thing. You’re at least decent to your own children. So don’t you think the God who conceived you in love will be even better?" Matthew 7:11 (The Message)
"Make this your common practice: Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you can live together whole and healed. The prayer of a person living right with God is something powerful to be reckoned with." James 5:16 (The Message)
P.S.- No matter where you stand on today's Supreme Court ruling would you take a few minutes and pray for our nation? I think we could use it.
P.P.S.- YARP is Pray spelled backwards. I couldn't think of a cool and catchy title for my blog post so I did the next best thing. I used a backwards word. You're welcome.
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