Goodbye Parkside, We Love You!

It is with sad and heavy hearts that the Reads begin to say goodbye to Parkside. We have much history here and the Parkside community is a family to us now. It's fitting that the announcement of our leaving comes in February because we were first introduced to Parkside in February 2011, at a Woodland Lakes Valentines Fundraiser. We were hired to put on a concert as part of the evening's entertainment. Later that night, Betty Howell took us aside and mentioned that Parkside was looking to hire a worship minister. Daniel & I were newlyweds at the time, still living in Lexington, KY, and finishing up our Master's degrees. But, graduation was not far off and we were ready to move back home to Cincinnati.

Fast forward to that summer, we bought our first home together in Linwood (with George Madden as our realtor!) and by the Fall we were hired to help lead Parkside in worship. We were fresh faced and excited. Excited to be back home in Cincinnati, excited to meet our (soon-to-be) friends at Parkside, and excited about the future that God was displaying before us.

Of course, nothing in life turns out exactly as one might have pictured it, and drastic changes occurred in Parkside's leadership just a few months after we were hired, but we believed God was at work and stayed on, hopeful that God would still use us under the new and different leadership. Immediately we felt embraced by God's people at Parkside. We made friends that became family, we grew to love the musicians that were already serving in the worship ministry, and we were humbled (A LOT) at all that we didn't know about vocational ministry. It's not been easy but oh, has it been worth it.

Our own family has grown (quintupled actually) in the 7.5 years we've been at Parkside. All 5 of our children have been born in the season we've been serving here. And the love Parkside's people have shown us in that season has been beautiful and Christlike. The baby showers, home-cooked meals, gift cards, presents, hugs, encouraging words, and shared second-hand clothes have become invaluable resources that have blessed us and shown us God's love in incredibly practical ways. In short, we have been well loved by the people of Parkside. Thank you for that. You have earned a place in our hearts and in the stories we will tell our children about the community that loved us so well at the beginning of their lives.

For awhile now, we have been feeling the Holy Spirit stirring in us that the time was coming for our family to pursue another kind of adventure. The decision to leave has been fraught with tears and heartache. We have asked God over and over again to make His directions clear. And he has. And so, in obedience to Christ, we say goodbye to this beautiful Parkside family, trusting that God has great things in store for Parkside just as He has great things in store for the Reads. We still don't know what our new adventure will look like but the time has come for us to go. 

We love you Parkside. We're excited for what God has next for you.

Love with all our hearts,

Daniel, Katie, Isaiah, McKenna, Micaiah, Boaz, and Selah

It All Started with Goetta

It all started with goetta. I just wanted to know the ingredients in goetta. If you're a Cincinnatian, you know how amazing this stuff is. Some people get weirded out by the fact that it's part sausage, part oats but I already knew that. I just needed to make sure that goetta doesn't contain nitrates. Good news- it doesn't contain nitrates! Bad news- it does contain "monosodium glutamate" and I didn't know what that was. So, I googled it.

Oh.

I already knew that MSG is bad. I didn't know that it could go by "monosodium glutamate." Makes me wonder what else is hiding in my food that I ought to know about...

Starting on Saturday Jan 21, 2017 Daniel & I are starting the Whole Life Challenge. It's a "friendly competition" that lasts for 2 months and challenges us to complete certain lifestyle tasks each day. Click here if you want more details. (I'd be remiss if I didn't plug it: it does cost money but if you want to join in, you can! When you register, join 'Team Parkside' and you get all the fun and perks of competing alongside us!)

Anyway, the challenge is made of 7 different habits and you get points for completing each habit every day. The challenges include Sleep, Hydrate, Lifestyle, Reflect, Mobilize, Exercise, and... (you guessed it) NUTRITION!

I've been saying for awhile now that I want to change my eating habits and I definitely want my kiddos to grow up with a better mindset toward food than I have, so I think this is going to great for me.

Except I also think it's going to be RIDICULOUSLY hard.

I've spent 3 hours (!!!) on Pinterest tonight, trying to create my menu for the next week, following the guidelines laid out by the Whole life Challenge. (The level Daniel & I chose does not allow for carbs, sugar, or cheese, plus lots of other things but those are the hardest.) It's not that we eat that poorly now, but eliminating carbs and sugar is REALLY cutting into my list of "go to" recipes. No BREAD! No pasta! No tortillas! No cinnamon rolls!

Another thing on the list of "non-compliant foods" is nitrites and nitrates, benzoates, and monosodium glutamates. Which leads us back to MSG. I also had no idea what benzoates were so I looked those up too. That one is found in soda so I'm not too surprised that that's a bad guy. (Nobody thinks Coke is healthy for them. It's just tastes so dang good!) But then I read about potassium bromate and I'm REALLY sorry about that one. Apparently benzoates are bad but potassium bromate is REAL bad. Every other country in the world has banned potassium bromate except Japan and the US. In California, if a food contains potassium bromate then they have to put a "may cause cancer" label on the food. You know which food potassium bromate gets added to?

Flour.

My beloved bread. The stuff that any good meal is made of. The sweet smell of fresh baked bread. It's sad, really. I'm CERTAIN there are flours and baked goods out there that DON'T contain potassium bromate (and doggone it, I WILL find them! After the WLC is finished...) but it makes me sad to realize that we really do have to be careful about what we put in our bodies. I wish the American food industry was doing a better job of helping us eat what's good for our bodies instead of being really good at making money but... I digress.

So the challenge starts on Saturday and I'm hoping to blog my way through it, if for no other reason than I'll have an account to look back on and see what really challenged me and what changes we'd like to keep after we've served our sentence
gotten through it
survived
finished.

Pray for me. I just read about something called the "low carb flu." Awesome.

The Worst of Thieves

These last several months, Daniel & I have been trying to do a better job of observing the Sabbath. We have been taking Saturday as the day set aside for our family to "rest, play, and wrestle" (the wrestle part is an addition, courtesy of 4 year old Isaiah.) As a part of our playing, we take some time to retell a Bible story and then act it out. We also subscribe to a media server called RightNow Media that offers TONS of sermons, clips, and kids videos so we'll look to see if there is a kid's video that fits that week's story.

So, all of this back story is a lead up to recent events. A few Sabbaths ago, we told the story of Moses, specifically Moses and the Burning Bush. Isaiah has been learning about Moses in Sunday school anyway, so reinforcing the story at home just made sense. We talked about the burning bush and how God spoke to Moses through the fire. At that point in the story-telling I paused, and in the pause Isaiah said "I never hear Jesus talking in my fire, it just pops." This cracked me up! Such a hilarious observation. Then we watched "Prince of Egypt" on RightNow Media and we all had a great time that day.

Fast forward to today, 3 weeks from Moses and the Burning Bush. Today we told the story of Noah. We got to go to the Ark Encounter in Williamstown, KY on Friday and had a really great time. It's definitely worth getting down there to check it out- it's beautiful!

So we were enjoying a really relaxing Sabbath today, until it came time for dessert...
We sat down to eat our dinner and continued to talk about Noah and Jesus and why we honor the Sabbath. When it was time to eat dessert, Daniel decided to light a few candles and turn out all the lights in the house. He wanted us to focus on how Jesus is the light of the world and that we carry His light in us.

Now at this point in the day, I'm feeling pretty proud of us. We've spent the last two days talking about Noah and his faith in God. We've talked about Jesus and how he gives us good gifts. Our kids are being saturated in these truths and I'm feeling pretty proud.

Isaiah had just settled in with his dessert, he'd taken two bites. Daniel started talking about the candles and fire and how God spoke to Moses through the fire. Isaiah was really quiet and then said "Can God talk to me in the fire?" After thinking for a few seconds, I reassured him that God COULD talk to him through the fire but probably wouldn't. Then Daniel piped up and said "If God did talk to you through the fire it would be amazing! The first thing God said to Moses was 'Do not be afraid!'"

And that was the beginning of the Isaiah's meltdown. He began to lose it. He started to cry, then asked us to blow the candles out and turn the lights on. He tried to push the candle stick away and was pleading for us to blow the candle out. Daniel & I tried to reassure him that if God did speak it would be a good thing, and nothing to be afraid of, but at that point we had lost him. I told him that if he couldn't calm down we'd have to leave the dessert and go up to bed. So he chose to go to bed! I made sure he understood that if we went upstairs there'd be no turning back and still he insisted on going to bed. Fear had stolen his joy.

As I was tucking him into bed, I found my heart breaking for him. Isaiah was so caught up in the fear of what might happen if God spoke through the fire that he couldn't even enjoy his dessert. He just wanted to run. He wanted out. He couldn't even listen to Daniel & I as we tried to reassure him that God loves him and doesn't want him to be afraid. He just wanted out.

How often does God feel the same about me? When I get so caught up in my (completely irrational, totally unlikely) fears that I can't even enjoy the sweet things around me, does God's heart break over my lack of trust? Does he mourn because I totally missed the point of the story and stopped listening at the mere mention of the possibility of being afraid? He probably does. What am I supposed to do about this?! How do I teach Isaiah not to be afraid when this is a huge struggle for me too?

I hate fear. It is the worst of thieves. It robs us of so many good moments. I need to do a better job of repenting of fear and teaching my kids to do the same. Here I was feeling so proud of Daniel & I for spending the last 2 days laser-focused on talking about Jesus and his love, that I missed a huge chance to speak life over Isaiah and fear. Any advice on how to teach a 4 yr old (and his 33 yr old mama) not to fear?

The Blessing in the Breaking: Boaz's Birth Story

Hey all! I've had lots of friends ask about Boaz's birth story so if you're interested, here it is!

Thursday afternoon I had gone to the OB/GYN for my 40 week check up. Everything looked good but I was showing no real signs of labor beginning. I was dilated "1 cm and some wiggle room." The doctor joked that she hoped I went into labor the next day because then she'd get to deliver me. We both laughed but I knew it wouldn't happen. She asked if I'd be willing to schedule my induction  for the next week (just in case) but I declined and said I knew he'd come on his own time.

Thursday night we went to bed like normal but the night was long. McKenna & Micaiah woke up several times (which NEVER happens.) Isaiah had to go potty in the middle of the night (which also never happens.) Since we were up a lot Thursday night I vaguely remember feeling like I had a stomachache but was too tired and groggy to notice. About 5:30am I woke up, definitely feeling my stomachache. The more I woke up, the more I realized my stomachache was coming in predictable waves and I started timing the pains. My "stomachache" lasted about 35 seconds and were spaced 6 minutes apart.

So I came downstairs and did a little work, knowing full well we were gonna have a baby soon. I changed the laundry, picked up some toys, and packed my hospital backpack. I turned on my labor worship music and spent some time thanking Jesus that today was Boaz's birth day and asking for strength for the work ahead. I also texted our parents.

About 8am Isaiah came downstairs and we snuggled for a little while. I told him we were going to get to meet Boaz today and asked if he was excited. He asked "Do I get to go to Grammy's house now?" I laughed and said yes that Grampy was on his way to get him.  When Daniel came downstairs I could see on his face he was surprised to see me up and moving already (I am so not a morning person.) I said "Today is the day. We're going to have a baby today." His facial expression was great. Sleepy morning face + reality of labor + the call to action all played across his features in the span of about 5 seconds.

My dad showed up around 8:30am, which was really great because he helped distract Isaiah while I worked through contractions and Daniel got breakfast ready. Amazingly the twins slept until about 9:30am so it wasn't 10am before the kids were happily on their way to Grammy & Grampy's and Daniel & I could get to work.

If you're familiar with the 3 signposts of labor (Excitement -- Seriousness -- Self Doubt) I think it was only after the kids were gone that I could move into the seriousness of the work ahead. I could still talk with Daniel between contractions but he said I stopped laughing at his jokes as much. I was also starting to wonder when we were going to leave for the hospital. Because I needed a C-section to deliver the twins, my doctor wanted me to come to the hospital at the beginning of labor to watch for uterine rupture (a risk associated with VBACs.) However Daniel was in no hurry to leave, as he had yet to pack his part of the hospital bag. Then he sat down at the piano and asked if I wanted him to play for a little while. I started to feel a little panicky and reminded him that the doctor wanted me to come in as soon as labor began. But he gently reminded me that we had a lot of laboring left to do and wouldn't I be more comfortable at home? So, deciding to follow my husband's lead and trusting God to let my body work the way it was designed, we settled in. He played worship music for me for about a half an hour while I labored on the couch, working through contractions half the time and dozing the other half.

The thing I realized as I labored was if I pushed my pelvic floor down into the couch during a contraction, I could actually feel my cervix slowly pulling open. I kept picturing a drawstring bag being    s l o w l y    pulled open. It dawned on me then that that's the feeling my doula had been trying to get me to achieve when I was in labor with Isaiah. She kept reminding me to let me body open up but I didn't put the pieces together until 4 years later. Imagine that. Despite the pain, it was actually a cool sensation to realize I was working with my body and helping speed labor along instead of fighting every contraction by tensing up.

Eventually I moved upstairs to labor on our bed. I was able to sleep some, which was a nice way to get some rest before moving to the hospital. My contractions were about 45 seconds long and about 5 minutes apart. I kept thinking about wanting the blessing of an unmedicated delivery without any of the pain. I wanted my contractions to hurry up. I wanted to leave for the hospital (because somehow that meant my baby would be born that much faster?) I wanted to stop this feeling of my body being pulled apart from the inside. I wanted the blessing without the breaking.

When I was in labor with Isaiah my labor song was "Beautiful Things" by Gungor. Listen to it here if you're not familiar with it- it's an incredible song. For my labor with Boaz, I chose "Oceans" by Hillsong United. (Listen to it here.) I chose "Oceans" for one phrase; the one thought I most wanted to remember when in the painful throes of labor:

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders

Let me walk upon the waters, wherever you would call me

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander

That my faith would be made stronger

In the presence of my Savior

The thing about labor is that, yes it's painful, but it's pain with a purpose. Each painful contraction gets me one step closer to meeting my baby and achieving this goal of letting my body do the work it was LITERALLY created to do. It's one of only a few times when I can say without a doubt, that I was fully involved in the work I was born to do. It's an incredible feeling of fulfillment that also happens to hurt like crazy. By choosing an unmedicated labor, I'm allowing my body to feel the contractions that are like being broken open. In the same way, by saying "Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders" I'm openly walking into a life that is led by the Holy Spirit and not my own design. So even though my natural inclination is to tense up and resist pain, instead I want to choose to trust my Creator and walk through the blessing AND the breaking, as He leads me to it.

OK, so back to Boaz. About 2pm my contractions were consistently lasting longer than a minute so Daniel decided we were ready to go. We got to the hospital about 2:45pm. The drive over was MISERABLE for me. I don't think I had one productive contraction the entire drive over. I felt every bump, turn, and stoplight we encountered and tensed every time. Ugh, it was so very painful. The nurse in triage did not seem to understand that I was in very active labor and how little I wanted to follow her procedures. When she did check to see how dilated I was, she proclaimed me at 6 centimeters! She seemed so pleased and I was nothing but disappointed. I was so done with being in pain that I wanted to be at 9 cms and ready to push. I didn't have it in me for another 4 hours of labor to get to 10 cms. As I was getting settled in at Labor & Delivery, I had a contraction while the nurse was inserting my HepLock and I had an undeniable urge to push. I told her so (more like groaned but whatever) and she seemed totally fine with that. I was surprised. With Isaiah, the nurses made me wait to push but this nurse seemed totally fine with me following my body's cues. They moved me onto my back and brought the doctor in, low and behold I was 100% effaced and ready to deliver. I moved from 6 to 10 centimeters in under an hour- I was shocked. 

I thought I had been in hard labor. Then it came time to push. I realized I had nothing left to give and the hardest work was still ahead of me. I was in tears, clinging to Daniel's hand, telling him I couldn't do it. There was no energy, no strength left. I asked the doctor to just reach in and pull him out because as far as I could tell that was the only way he was going to come out. I certainly couldn't do it. The doctor asked if she could break my water which would help him come faster, which I quickly agreed to. The gush of fluid was intense, the nurses and Daniel pulled my legs back, and on the next contraction I pushed. I gave everything I had but no baby. When the next contraction came I could see his head crown and man alive did I push. Out he came followed by a second huge gush of amniotic fluid (Daniel said he surfed out on a wave.) And there he was. All 8 lbs 15 oz, and with a head full of hair (which we totally earned, if the Old Wives tales about heartburn and hair are to be believed.) We, the three of us, had done it. We had successfully achieved an unmedicated VBAC.

Daniel was incredible. He was patient with me, both encouraging me and being quiet when necessary. He wasn't afraid or tentative but made decisions with boldness so that I could trust him to lead us through this together. He was the one who believed I could do the work without medicine. He was the one calling me to trust my body to do the work the way it was created to work. He was the one leading me to worship through the pain. This man that God has given me to love for my lifetime painted the most incredible picture of Christ I could ever hope to see. On the day Boaz was born, Daniel embodied the Ephesians 5 husband to me.

Boaz Christopher Read was born at 4pm on Friday September 23, 2016. Weighing 8 lbs 15 oz and measuring 22 inches long. The name Boaz means "swiftness" and "man of valor." We chose the name Boaz because we want our son to live like the biblical Boaz whose story is recorded in the book of Ruth. Biblical Boaz showed compassion to a foreigner. He found virtue and rewarded it. He was generous. As for Christopher, my middle name is Christine so he's named for me in that regard. Christopher means "carrier of Christ," which I love.

Since Boaz is baby #4 for us we had a very short 24 hour stay at the hospital and were home by Saturday night. Both Boaz & I are doing great. Nursing is going really well. Sleeping is predictably hard to come by. I've got some skin tears and bruises from pushing so hard and that's been painful for me but the doctor thinks I'll be good as new in a few days, which is definitely a pro for unmedicated delivery. There is typically very little recovery time. As for Isaiah, McKenna & Micaiah they are in LOVE with their brother. No signs of jealousy or frustration yet, just sweet love for their baby Boaz. McKenna is especially attentive. Sometimes her love hurts, she just wants to squeeze him!

And that is the story of how Boaz was born! We're so grateful that his birth happened exactly as we had prayed and planned for. Thanks for all the love and support, encouragement and meals! 

The Miracle of Dry Towels

Yesterday was a day of highs and lows.

The Lows:

• I am very pregnant. I have felt incredibly good for the majority of this pregnancy (thank you JESUS!) but I am beginning to feel every minute of the 38 weeks I have carried this child. I am also feeling the pressure of 3 kids under 4 who very much need my love and attention right now. I want to be gracious and fun right now. I want to fill every minute of these last days (weeks?) with laughing and playing and wrestling and enjoying each other's company, because adding a 6th person to our brood will change the way this mama can play for awhile. But instead of all these good things, I spent most of yesterday focused on crossing off MY list. MY nesting. MY need to get stuff done before birth day. I spent most of yesterday grumpy.
• I dropped the baby monitor earlier this week and the screen went dead. We do not have the time or the money to replace our entire 3 camera baby monitor system.
• Daniel is feverishly working to get the Price Hill house finished before birth day so that he can be home and present when we have another child. Except for our Sabbath day, he is rarely home.
• We bought appliances for the Price Hill house and decided to upgrade our own appliances in the process. Which means Daniel also has a list of jobs to accomplish here at home in order to get all of the appliances fully installed. I have 2 weeks worth of laundry to do and the dryer is not yet hooked up.
• I am more and more nervous about the possibility of going into labor when Daniel is not home. This is becoming a very real fear...

The Highs:

• Despite the guilt of working on my list, I got a lot done yesterday and that just plain feels good!
• I put out a plea on Facebook for help with the monitor and a friend from church responded. He took it home on Wednesday and got it working again! His initial attempts failed and he didn't think it could be saved but I prayed! I believed! I asked several trusted prayer warriors to pray too! His wife dropped off the monitor this morning, COMPLETELY restored! It works perfectly again.
• During the monitor saga, my mom and my mother-in-love decided to pool their resources and buy us a new monitor system, should the old one be truly dead. If you have never priced video monitor systems, they are NOT cheap. I felt very cared for that they were willing to buy such an EXPENSIVE gift. And I'm grateful that now they don't have to!
• Daniel was quite productive last night and the kitchen at the Price Hill house is even closer to being finished! Once the kitchen is the done, the remaining projects are fairly small.
• I realized that not having a working dryer is only a problem in the winter. In September, why not line dry the clothes? I already have clothes line and pins so outside I went. I strung up my line, strung up the wet clothes and an hour later- I had clean, dry sheets! Plus I got to enjoy the bonus of having sun dried clothes (there's something very domestic feeling about that for me...)

So despite the lows, I'm grateful to call out the highs. But the day doesn't end there. It actually ends with a miracle. I truly think God showed up in a crazy way to show me that He sees me.

Last night I had to teach to 2 voice lessons. I loaded up the kids and off we went to go teach. The kids had done such a good job while I taught I decided to treat them to Skyline for dinner. While we were sitting in the restaurant, I noticed it seemed to be getting pretty dark outside, despite the fact that it wasn't all that late. Then I checked the radar. Rain. Lots of rain. And I had laundry proudly waving in the yard, soaking up all the September heat.  Now, if you have young kids, you know there is no hurrying them through a meal that they actually like. These kids were going to eat every last scrap of cheese from Skyline and would not be hurried. I could do nothing but pray the rain stayed away long enough for us to get home. As we left the restaurant it had already begun to rain and I knew my clean, dry laundry was no more. Sigh. 

We pulled in to the rain soaked driveway and I felt my grumpiness level shoot through the roof. Why did this season have to be so hard? Why did Daniel have to choose THIS year to buy and fix up a house? Why couldn't God make this time easier? Didn't He see how HARD all of this has been on me? I was serving up all of the 'whining whys' God detests and none of the praise He actually deserves. I got the kids in the house and went to check on the status of the laundry. As I stepped off the walkway onto the grass, it dawned on me that the walkway was dry. The grass was also dry. I looked around me. Our driveway was wet. Our neighbor's driveway was wet. The street was wet. Our porch was wet. But our walkway and our lawn was dry... As I reached out the see how soaked the towels were, my hand grabbed dry terrycloth. Friends, the towels were completely dry. Dry as could be. I GLEEFULLY got the laundry off the line and hustled inside just as the heavens opened back up to dump more rain on the thirsty grass.

In that simple discovery of dry towels, I felt so loved-- so SEEN by our good & gracious Father. He gave me a great gift and a gentle reminder that He's present for me. He sees what Daniel & I are doing, how we choose to live our lives and raise our children and he's blessing us. He's given us another arrow for our quiver and He is just so good. He can be nothing but good.

An Accounting

These past few months have been a whirlwind in the Read household. We've had a lot going on and so much of it has been good! (Beach Vacation! Week of CIY! Summer playdates!) But I'd be lying if I didn't also account for the stressful things. Or maybe I should say THING. (ahem... I'm looking at you, Price Hill house.) This renovation project has been ALL CONSUMING, particularly for Daniel. He has invested so much time into this house and we're just starting to see things take shape. There's still a LOT left to do. And, as time consuming are projects are prone to do, striking a balance has not been easy to find.

Which leads me to the reason for today's blog.

Daniel had been hard at work at the Price Hill house all day Saturday. By the time the kids and I got there with dinner, Daniel was filthy dirty but had accomplished a lot, working to fix the outdated electric throughout the house. After eating, the kids and I went upstairs to work on patching some crumbling plaster walls. I worked for a few hours (about as long as the kids can handle) then packed up, said goodnight to Daniel, and headed home. He stayed back, continuing to update the old knob and tube wiring.

He finally got home around 11pm Saturday night but seemed a little discouraged. He explained that he had been working on a particularly difficult tube and accidentally shattered the porcelain tube, causing a shard of porcelain to fly into his eye. He had spent the last hour at his sister's house trying to get cleaned up and get the shard out of his eye. They graciously drove him home, just to be safe. So, he showered and got ready for bed, his eye seemingly fine. But, around 2am Sunday morning, he woke up in EXCRUCIATING pain. I've never seen him quite like that- stomping his foot, rolling around on the floor, totally helpless to the pain. I knew this wasn't just going to get better. We needed help. We needed to go to the ER.

I started looking through my phone contacts, trying to find a friend who lives near us, that the kids would feel comfortable waking up to, and who might be willing to come sleep on our couch while we went to the hospital. Enter Wonderful Jess! Our kids know and love Jess, she has a servant's heart, and she lives close by. I called, she answered, and she showed up 15 minutes later. We were off to the ER.

Turns out most ERs are not nearly as dramatic as they show on TV (imagine that.) After checking in, they immediately led Daniel to a room and he was seen by a doctor within 20 minutes. They (graciously) numbed his eye, then poured this glow-in-the-dark goop into his eye. When they shone a blacklight into his eye, the goop lit up and was supposed to show any cuts in his eyeball. No cuts! Then they used fancy eye doctor binoculars, looking for more cuts but saw nothing. Basically, the answer was that the porcelain had hurt his eye (called a corneal abrasion) but was no longer stuck in his eye. The doctor described the corneal abrasion as a burn to the eye. Ouch. He reassured us that the pain would last for about a day then fade. He wrote Daniel a prescription for an ointment that would fight infection and sent us on our way. We got home at 5:30am Sunday morning.

ER Daniel

We tried to get a little more sleep before getting up for church but a middle of the night run to the ER kinda ruins any chance at good sleep. We got moving around 7am, with Daniel trying to figure out how to lead worship with his eyes glued shut. It was NOT the ideal way to prepare our hearts and minds for worship, I'll tell you that! After getting home from church, we spent the rest of Sunday napping, watching TV & snuggling, and catering to Daniel- trying to keep him away from light & minimize his pain as much as possible.

This little guy is the cuddliest of them all.

To say this day has been trying would be an understatement.

But, you see, I was born an optimist. I can't help but look for the silver lining when difficult situations pop up. I believe Jesus created me this way on purpose & it has served me well in discouraging situations. So, tonight while we sitting at dinner I started to account for this weekend's blessings. Indulge me if you will, but here's my list:

• On Friday night we took the kids to the Starlite theater, a drive-in theater in Amelia, OH. It. was. AWESOME! Daniel brought ALL the couch cushions and lined the bed of his truck with them. We had the BEST drive-in nest!
  
• Jess was SUCH a blessing to us, coming over at 3am AND helping to lead worship Sunday morning. She willingly jumped in to help and I was so blessed and HUMBLED by her selflessness.
  
  
• SO many people offered to help us on Sunday! Friends and family both jumped at the chance to offer help. I felt so loved, seen, and cared for!
• Sunday morning, I kept the kids with me in church. They'd had a rough morning and it seemed cruel to send them to their classes. When it came time for communion, I took 4 cups and 4 pieces of bread from the tray. I gave each kid their piece of bread and explained that the bread stands for Jesus' body and he was hurt so that God would forgive our sins. Then I handed each kid their cup of grape juice and started to explain about Jesus blood, then started laughing when I saw that the kids were clinking their cups together and saying "cheers." I can honestly say I've never been part of a communion toast before!
• Frozen pizza and fresh baked chocolate chip cookies for dinner. YUM! Nothing says comfort food like fresh-from-the-oven chocolate chip cookies. Pro tip: I keep cookie dough tucked away in the freezer. Fresh cookies anytime we want :) :) :)

  

  Chocolate chip cookie faces!

• McKenna was hilariously leading blind Daniel around the house, holding his hand and tugging him along. She must have seen me leading him and thought to copy it. However, McKenna is our clumsiest child so it was a LOT like the blind leading the blind.
• After dinner, McKenna led Daniel to the piano where he channeled his inner Stevie Wonder and played some of our family favorites.  I love that he can still play piano, even temporarily blind!

  

  Our Stevie Wonder

Actively looking for these blessings helps me find perspective in the middle of a stressful weekend and a bit of balance when our schedule is complicated with a seemingly endless project. AND if you were at Parkside yesterday and wondered why Daniel was wearing a baseball hat & dark sunglassses, now you know.

Mother's Day Worthiness

I sat at the kitchen table writing my mom's Mother's Day card and at the bottom of the card I wrote "You are worthy of being celebrated today." This statement is so true for my mom, as well as my incredible mother-in-law. If ever there were a competition of 'momliness,' my mom would TOTALLY beat your mom. (Good thing this competition does not exist ;) In all seriousness though, she has so thoroughly modeled a Godly mom to me. My mom is the kind of mom that Mother's Day exists for. She is so worthy of being celebrated today because of all the selfless sacrifices she has made over my 32 years and CONTINUES to make. Which made me wonder, "am I worthy of being celebrated today?"

Now please don't get me wrong. This is not a "woe is me, I'm a bad mom" post or even a "being a mom is hard" post. This is just a plain 'ol "wondering about worthiness" post. But as I crawled under the kitchen table to wipe up breakfast (soggy Rice Krispies- yuck), I wondered, "is this what makes me worthy of being celebrated? because I keep our house tidy? ...I think it's more than that." Then as I stood at the sink to wash dishes I thought, "is my worthiness found in making good food; teaching my kids the value of eating well and nourishing their bodies? That's not very fulfilling for me." I keep thinking of a new soldier, deep in the trenches of war, trying to remember his training, working hard just to stay alive and keep his fellow soldiers alive. Then one day his commanding officer says "Hey soldier! We're celebrating you today, for keeping your head down and staying alive!" And the soldier say, "Don't celebrate me now! I haven't done anything yet!"

The reality is, I know (in my brain) that my worth doesn't comes from any of these superficial places like keeping a tidy house with clean dishes. I know that the only way I'm worthy is because Jesus makes me so. Yet I don't... feel it. My heart is sending messages like "There aren't enough hours in the day. How can you possibly get all of your projects done AND pay attention to the kids? Your children are going to look back on their childhoods and say "I remember mom almost always had a (phone or computer) screen in front of her."

While I know I'm constantly making selfless decisions for my kids, I don't FEEL selfless. Plus, I don't LIKE making the selfless decisions. My flesh rails against it and I regularly let it win!! Sometimes I, ON PURPOSE, let the kids watch 2 hours of "Bubble Guppies" so I can finish a project or make dinner or just get something DONE! Yes, I know research has shown that too much screen time is bad for kid's imaginations. Yes, I know that technology has invaded my home when my 1 yr old screams for Daniel's phone just so he can watch "bayball" (Micaiah speak for baseball.)

Do these 'Read family secrets' detract from my Mother's Day worthiness? Here's the only way I can think to answer that question.

I'll never be worthy. Even on my best mom days when the TV never gets turned on and no one even asks to "play the phone," I'm still not worthy to begin with. I can never be worthy on my own merit. I can never be a perfect enough mom to be worthy of being celebrated on Mother's Day.

But for Jesus...

BECAUSE OF JESUS working in me, calling me to spend time with Him so He can teach me about living, He makes me worthy.

BECAUSE OF JESUS planting loving people in my path to encourage me and come along side me to show me a better way, He makes me worthy.

BECAUSE OF JESUS blessing me with 3.5 incredible children and the most amazing husband I never dreamed I'd call my own, He makes me worthy.

Remove Jesus and my worth goes with it.

I'm only worthy because I have an active and alive Savior working in me EVERY DAY to lessen the sting of the bad mom days, to prod me to apologize to the kids when I blow up at them, to work out the selfishness so that it's completely eliminated from me, to remind me to put my work down and play with my kids.

Today marks my 4th Mother's Day. I've yet to feel WORTHY of being celebrated on Mother's Day. (Maybe we should change the name of it to Grandmother's Day-- there's an idea!!) Maybe when my kids are all grown up and I get to be a grandma then I'll feel worthy of all the Mother's Day hoopla. Or maybe I just haven't had enough years of motherly sacrifices to feel worthy of the holiday.  Either way, until I feel worthy, I'll just keep reminding myself that it's Jesus who makes me worthy and that will never change, regardless of whether my emotions catch up. Fake it 'til you make it, right?

To my mama friends that will read this, I hope you have a genuinely HAPPY, fulfilling, gratitude-filled Mother's Day, whether you think you deserve it or not. It's Jesus who makes you worthy and you can't change that.

All my mama love,
Katie

I'm God's Favorite

Something amazing happened today. Something people only dream about, something people may say has never happened to them and might never happen to them.

Chick-fil-a gave us free chicken for a year. I'm not even kidding.

And this means I'm God's favorite. Now before you go freaking out on me, let me clarify. First of all, we're ALL God's favorite. It's a complex God thing and I can't explain it, other than to say it works in the same way that God can have a personal relationship with every single person who chooses to know Him. Otherwise, if you know God and you love God and you serve God, then you're His favorite too. (And if you want more clarification and you want to talk about this in person, we can totally make that happen.) I digress!

So as many of you know, Daniel & I are the middle of a financial... freeze right now. After having drained our savings to buy the Price Hill house, there's not a whole lot of spending going on right now. And, to make things worse, we found out we owe the city of Cincinnati $607 in back taxes this year. (That one hurt like a blow to the gut.) Needless to say, I've been talking to God A LOT about His plans to provide for us and trying to remind myself to rely on God for security and not how much money we have saved.

We've also had some cool moments of provision too. A friend at church gave us 6 lbs of ground beef and a friend from my bible study gave me a plastic bag full of various cuts of beef from their grass fed, farm raised cow. Needless to say, God IS providing just not in the form of cash money per say.

Ok, now pause for some back story. About a month ago, Pam, a friend from church asked if our family would like to ride on a float in the Red's Opening Day parade. We said, "uum YES!" She works for Chick-fil-a and made all the arrangements for us to be "the family" on the Chick-fil-a float. We had a BLAST! The Chick-fil-a folks were so kind to us. They gave us a Chick-fil-a swag bag which included a SELFIE STICK! I was in heaven. We had a great time and truly loved being Chick-fil-a's "Fan Family." Then, a few days after the parade, Pam emailed again and said that the manager of the Chick-fil-a in Anderson wanted to have us over for lunch! Well, we jumped at the chance for some FREE Chick-fil-a.



So that brings us up to today and why I'm God's favorite.

We scheduled the lunch for 11am today and, true to form, we were running late. We got to Chick-fil-a around 11:10, and I noticed Pam's husband Glen taking pictures of us as we walked in. It seemed a little odd but Pam does the Anderson Chick-fil-a's marketing so I didn't think anything of it. We walked in the door and suddenly heard cheering! My parents were there! Daniel's parents were there! Several families from church and some from our small group were there! It was a Chick-fil-a SURPRISE party!! FOR US!! I was COMPLETELY surprised (and I'm hard to surprise, I'm good at guessing.) So after greeting everyone, we got settled into our table because Chuck, the owner operator of the Anderson Chick-fil-a had a message for us. It was then that he pulled out the HUGE gift check with our names on it and told us we've earned free Chick-fil-a for a year. A YEAR! Heaven help my self control.



After we had eaten our delicious and free lunch (Chick-fil-a treated everyone at our surprise party to a free lunch!) and after the kids had played in the playland, we loaded up to go to our next event. In the car, as we were processing through all that had happened, I told Daniel that I felt so spoiled by God. He didn't have to do something so over-the-top for us. And getting free Chick-fil-a for a year certainly isn't going to help our lack of savings yet I still felt wildly cared for. loved. spoiled. by the God of the universe who see me and knows my heart and knows my troubles and fears and worries. I FELT like God's favorite today. And it felt so good!

A Baby Story

 





So, in case you missed our big announcement this morning, we're going to have another baby! As of today I'm 12 weeks along, with baby #4 due mid-September. Daniel & I couldn't be happier, though this pregnancy came as a MAJOR shock and here's why...

Back in November, Daniel & I conceived while I had an IUD contraceptive device in place. You can read that story in my previous post "Emergency Surgery." The emergency surgery was to remove my left fallopian tube after an ectopic pregnancy caused it to rupture. After the surgery the doctor reassured me that my fertility wouldn't be affected and that we should have no problem conceiving again if that was our desire. However she did ask us to refrain from all "pelvic activity" for a few weeks after the surgery to make sure my body had time to heal and get back to neutral before conceiving again. So we refrained. And on Dec 23, the doctor drew blood for the third and final time, confirmed that my body was officially back to a non-pregnant state and said Daniel & I could resume our "pelvic activity." So we did. And we conceived that week.

When we first found out we were pregnant in November, we were praying like CRAZY that God would allow that baby to survive. (The doctors were not very hopeful because most IUD pregnancies end up being ectopic.) We were amazed that God had allowed us to conceive despite the contraceptive. We wondered at how God was choosing to grow our family despite our human attempts to stop it. Then we lost the baby (and the fallopian tube) and were sorry we had meddled in God's plans for growing our family. So to have conceived again so soon feels like the greatest blessing in the world! Realizing that God has given us ANOTHER baby, even after our IUD troubles, feels like the most wonderful second (fourth?) chance!

 


So far this pregnancy has been wonderful! I felt very tired the first 7 weeks but that's mostly gone now. The worst symptom I have is that nothing ever really sounds good to eat. I've had a few consistent cravings (chocolate milkshakes, LaRosa's.) Praise God, I haven't been nauseous. I don't know how I'd have chased 3 kids around all day all while feeling sick to my stomach. (Shout out to nauseous pregnant mamas- you've got it rough sister!)

Right now the biggest decision is whether or not we'll find out the sex of the baby. Daniel wants to wait and be surprised upon delivery. I don't think I can stand not knowing... We've still got time to find a compromise  ;)

So now you know the details! Thanks for rejoicing with us and welcoming this new little life. We can't wait to see how God decides to use this big ol' family He's given us!

3 3

3 Children are a heritage from the Lord,

    offspring a reward from him.

4 

4 Like arrows in the hands of a warrior

    are children born in one’s youth.

5 

5 Blessed is the man

    whose quiver is full of them.

They will not be put to shame

    when they contend with their opponents in court.

Psalm 127:3-5

Emergency Surgery

Last Wednesday I got some amazing news. A trip to OB revealed a positive pregnancy test! My joy however was a little overshadowed because the point of the OB appointment was to remove the IUD contraceptive I'd had implanted a year ago. The doctor explained that pulling the IUD might result in a miscarriage but no matter what we had to get the IUD out, we had to take those chances. After the procedure I left the doctor and immediately went to Parkside to tell Daniel. We couldn't believe God would bless us with this pregnancy. The odds of getting pregnant with an IUD are .01%-- this must be one special baby! We knew to keep our hopes in check, not knowing what the next few days would hold, but still we were excited.

With the IUD in the way the doctor couldn't get a clear look at my uterus to see the pregnancy and she wanted an accurate hormone level to figure out how far along the pregnancy was so on Friday I went to the hospital to get blood drawn. Later the night she called to tell me the hormone levels hadn't doubled like they'd expected and while that didn't automatically mean miscarriage it meant the odds of this pregnancy becoming viable were about 1%. Still, we believed God had created this life for a reason. We spread the word to some trusted prayer warriors and spent the weekend praying that God would infuse this baby with life and health.

Monday morning I went back to the hospital for another blood draw to check hormone levels. Monday afternoon I got a voicemail from the doctor and her tone was not upbeat. She asked that I come to her office as soon as possible. My hormone levels had not responded the way we had hoped and she needed to do an ultrasound to see what was going on in my body. I hightailed it to her office and she got me in right away. As I lay on the table, the ultrasound technician was being very quiet and I knew there was no baby. She explained that she could see no evidence of a baby in my uterus but she could definitely see something abnormal on my left fallopian tube. This is not good. Thanks to Dr. Google and the research I had done on IUD pregnancies, I knew the risk of an ectopic pregnancy was high. (An ectopic pregnancy is when the fertilized egg implants outside of the uterus.) The doctor explained I had 2 choices- I could get a shot of some drug that would work over a few days to dissolve the pregnancy tissue or I could head to the hospital for surgery to remove the pregnancy. After a tearful phone call with Daniel, I chose surgery. I just wanted the whole ordeal to be over and done with. I called my mom to come get our kids and headed home to pack an overnight bag.

I got to the hospital by myself around 5pm. Daniel was at home waiting for my mom to come get the kids. We figured I'd be waiting awhile before they were ready to call me back so we thought I'd at least get a head start. Except when I got to the hospital they were actually ready for me. A nurse, Rhonda, took me into Same Day Surgery and got me settled in right away. At that point the reality of what I was about to undergo began to sink in and I just wanted it to be over. I was laying on the hospital bed, waiting for Daniel to get there, annoyed at the pinch of the IV needle in my arm, and feeling completely trapped. and antsy. Like I wanted to be DOING something, to be proactive about whatever I was about to face. I wondered if this is how prison inmates feel. Stuck in a tiny, boring room, unsure of what your future will look like, a million "what ifs" running through your brain, and yet completely stuck. It was awful. Thinking back, I wonder if I was actually having a minor anxiety attack... Finally the nurse came in and we began the journey to the Operating Room. It was freezing cold in the OR and as they piled warm blankets on top of me, the nursing student assigned to help make me comfortable asked if I needed anything. I told her I just wanted the anesthesia to make me fall asleep so I could get this over with. She laughed and graciously someone brought over the plastic mask that would whisk me away. Another nurse placed the mask on my mouth and told me to breathe deeply. The last thing I remember is hearing him loudly call my name, telling me to keep breathing.

As I woke up in the recovery room, I remember shivering so violently, I think the shivering was what actually helped me come to. (Why are hospitals SO cold?!) Daniel was there and the nurses piled me with more blankets. It was 9pm. As I came out my fog Daniel explained the details of the surgery. While in surgery the doctor discovered that the ectopic pregnancy had actually caused my left fallopian tube to rupture and I had already begun bleeding into my stomach (about 8 oz of blood had already leaked out.) This is very bad. This is why ladies die from ectopic pregnancies. If I had opted for the shot instead of surgery, there's no telling how much more blood I would have lost and what the outcome could have been. Praise God for His timing.

The doctor removed my left fallopian tube. She reassured me that this shouldn't affect my fertility, and that if Daniel & I decide to have another baby we shouldn't have any trouble. And despite the incisions from the surgery, my pain has been very minimal. Typically this kind of surgery is a same day, in-and-out, kind of thing but because it was so late in the evening they let me stay overnight. So as the nurse wheeled me up to my room, she explained that the hospital was really full and that I'd probably be sharing a room with another patient. Disheartened that Daniel wouldn't be able to stay the night, I knew nothing could be done about it. Except when she wheeled me into my room, there was another bed but no roommate. I asked if Daniel could stay with me and they said yes! Praise God for His care! I was so very grateful to have Daniel close by, it was such a comfort to me. Neither of us got a great night's sleep (hospitals are NOISY!) and Tuesday morning we were ready to head home.

Today is Thursday and physically I'm feeling fine. My incision sites are sore and I'm beat by the end of the day but my pain is nonexistent. Emotionally however, I'm not sure how I feel. I believe that Daniel & I have another baby to meet in heaven, but I also feel like this baby never even had a chance. Without implanting in the uterus there's no way for a baby to gather nutrients and grow so this one never would have survived.

Except this baby could have survived if there was not an IUD contraceptive device in it's way.

OK, so at this point in the blog post I'm going to dive into the spiritual side of my story. And I'd like to preface it with a little disclaimer. The thoughts, opinions, and emotions are expressed here are true for me. I know in my spirit that what I'm about to share with you is true. You might not like what you're about to read. You might disagree with my theology or you might think that God doesn't deal with people the way I believe he's dealing with me but all I can tell you is that this is what's true for me today.

Back in September, Daniel & I had a conversation about the IUD and we decided that while it was nice to not have to think about contraception, we wanted to trust God with our family and to trust His plan to grow our family according to His plan and not ours. We decided God was telling us to get the IUD out. I knew in my spirit this decision was from God. But I didn't make the appointment. I kept putting it off. I even joked with friends about how I kept forgetting to do it and I didn't even feel the sting on my conscience! Maybe I had misunderstood what God was saying? Maybe He didn't care if I had an IUD? Finally in late October I made the appointment but they were so booked they couldn't see me until the first week of December. No problem, I thought. Then in mid-November I started bleeding (what I thought was my period) except I bled off and on for most of the second half of November. This is REALLY not normal for me. Thanksgiving day I had a particularly awful rush of blood and I even called my OB to make sure everything was ok and she reassured me it was fine, normal even. The day of my appointment couldn't come soon enough just so I could get some answers for the bleeding (and hopefully get it to stop!) But I began to think that if I had just gotten the IUD out in September when God had first told me to do so, I wouldn't be bleeding like this.

Slowly, I began to realize that by not following the prompting of the Holy Spirit and being obedient in September, I was now experiencing the consequences of my disobedience. Because I was disobedient by not scheduling my appointment sooner, I was now facing the consequences of my lack of action. Consequences for one's actions is a big deal in my house right now. Daniel & I are working on raising 3 healthy, well adjusted, contributing members of society and learning to be obedient is a part of that. Learning that one's actions have good or bad consequences is also a part of that, whether you're a 3 year old kid, learning right from wrong or whether you're a 32 year old follower of Christ, learning about holiness. We talk about this A LOT in our house.

So just as there are consequences for actions on earth, then there are also consequences to our spiritual actions. And as I grow in my walk with the Lord, His voice, the voice of the Holy Spirit, becomes louder and more clear to me. I KNOW when I'm hearing from the Lord. I know what His voice "sounds" like and, for the most part, I know when instructions have come from him.

So before you start throwing tomatoes at me, let me clarify what I'm NOT saying.
I'm NOT saying God took our baby away because I disobeyed or that God punished me by allowing me to have an ectopic pregnancy. I know that God doesn't work like that. I'm saying God let me suffer the consequences of my actions. Could He have prevented the whole thing? Sure He could but then I wouldn't be learning this very valuable lesson about immediate obedience. (Hebrews 12)

I AM saying that sin has consequences. And while there is grace to cover our sins, the Lord will still allow us to suffer those consequences in order to draw us closer to Him. I'm also praising God for His grace in that I'm still A L I V E! This ectopic pregnancy really could have killed me and I'm grateful that the Lord has given me more time with my family on this earth.

I have repented for my disobedience in September and I know I'm forgiven. I really do not carry any guilt over this ordeal. I do feel remorse over my sin and I have certainly learned the value in immediate obedience but I'm no slave to a guilty conscience.

You do not have to agree with me or believe that God allows consequences for actions in this way. Maybe God deals with you differently than He does with me. But this is what is true for me. I'm blessed that He loves me enough to discipline me and draw me nearer to Him.

“My son, do not make light of the Lord’s discipline,
    and do not lose heart when he rebukes you,
6 because the Lord disciplines the one he loves,
    and he chastens everyone he accepts as his son.”
Proverbs 3:11,12

Enemy Attack

Daniel is away at a staff retreat this weekend and I hate it. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad he's able to get away and seek the Lord with the staff & elders of the Parkside Christian Church. I'm glad they're taking the time to make sure they're listening to God and paying attention to the way He wants Parkside run. But I hate that it means Daniel is gone over night. Of course it didn't help that after Daniel left Isaiah cried unconsolably for his dada to come home. It also didn't help that every time he heard a loud truck outside or heard the door open he'd jump up and say "dada's home!" Eventually he calmed down and the evening was fine. We baked Christmas cookies & watched "Thomas the Train" and all was right in his world.

And then I put the kids to bed. When the house goes silent while the messes get cleaned up, the Enemy launches his attack arrows.

Arrow #1 "You know you're not going to sleep well tonight with Daniel gone."
Arrow #2 "Maybe you should sleep on the couch with a weapon so if something happens you'll hear it sooner."
Arrow #3 "How can I barricade the house so bad guys can't get in?"

As I worked around the house I could feel my spirit absorbing these fear arrows, taking each hit and feeling powerless to stop the barrage. Trying to distract myself, I got on Facebook only to read about a pastor's wife in Indiana murdered during a home invasion. Terrorist attacks in Paris. Rape in a New York elementary school. Islamic radicals disguised as Syrian refugees, looking to run the world. UGH! I am in a deluge of fear. I want to bury my head in naiveté and ignorance and surround myself with only happiness and cheer. I want to wrap up my children and control their every interaction/relationship/experience for the next 30 years. I want to understand why God won't protect the good people and stop the bad things. I want to shake off the fear arrows but feel incapable. I want to trust God's plan but what I REALLY want is to be the one in control of the plan.

And then my God, who knows me so perfectly well, begins to subdue my fears through this song,
No Longer Slaves.

"I'm no longer a slave to fear, I'm a child of God." Isaiah is 3 and he understands fear. I'll hear him talking to himself when he's climbing down the steps saying "I'm not gonna fall. Go slow." or sometimes when we're driving he'll notice another car and say "Are we gonna crash that car?" (Although that may not actually be fear, he might be thinking that would be fun...)  Anyway, my point is that even at 3 years old, Isaiah understands fear. We didn't have to teach him to be afraid. And yet when he is afraid, my immediate reaction is to soothe his fears. If I hear him talking to himself on the steps, I might walk over and ask if he wants help so he doesn't fall. If he asks about the cars crashing I'll tell him that I'm being a careful driver and am paying close attention so we don't crash. How much more does God want to soothe my grown up fears? Even though I am imperfect, (I'd even go so far as to say I'm evil- especially compared to God Romans 3:10) I know how and love to give good gifts to my kids. How much more so does God, who is PERFECT, want to give good gifts to me and my family? (Luke 7:11) Could God be nearby while the Enemy attacks, whispering His words of truth and peace to calm my fears? Yet I don't turn to him first, I don't immediately seek His presence to let Him calm me down. No, I choose worry. I give in to the fear and let it steal my peace & my sleep. I LET THE ENEMY BEAT ME UP WITHOUT FIGHTING BACK.

This is DUMB, you guys! I don't WANT to feel afraid but my actions say otherwise! I choose fear, I give in to it's weight. I let my imagination run wild when I should capturing those thoughts and kicking them out of my brain. (2 Corinthians 10:5)
Even if the WORST thing imaginable happens-- GOD remains unchanged, offering the same peace He always has. Even if the lives of my loves end before mine, God will have a plan and a purpose for that heartbreak.

So, after awhile I got tired of letting the Enemy beat me up without fighting back. I turned on worship music. I opened up my list of fear scriptures and began reading them out loud (Ephesians 6:10-20 is a favorite.) Ever      so       slowly       I could feel the fear subside. I had a little praise party then went to bed. And as I lay in bed, the Enemy assault began all over again. As I started praying again, I felt God ask "do you think Daniel can protect you better than I can?"
OUCH.
The answer is yes, I DO think Daniel can protect me better than God. Daniel is strong and quick and knows how to use weapons. AND I CAN SEE HIM. God is invisible, how can I trust He'll protect me if my eyes aren't reassured? God lets bad things to happen to His people. Yet God is eternal and sees eternity and people's actions as contributing to one whole picture, not in misty fragments like I see time (James 4:14). Daniel, though it pains me to think of it, is mortal and won't be with me forever. Daniel is strong. God can never be conquered. Daniel is quick. God can never be outrun. God beats Daniel every. single. time.

So where does this leave me? Repentant. and humbled.
Is evil running rampant in our world? Yes. Since the beginning, evil has been present in God's creation. This is not new.
Are there very real threats to our safety every single day? Yes. But if we constantly choose fear over faith then how can God be glorified? Though my culture would have me believe otherwise, 'it' is not about me or my safety or my comfort. 'It' is about letting God use my life to bring Him glory. Simply that. What if God would be most glorified through letting the very worst thing happen to me? Am I open to that? No. Nope. Oh God, please don't ask that of me.

Sigh. Yes. Yes Lord. I will submit. I will obey. I will give you complete control over my life. Over Daniel, Isaiah, McKenna, Micaiah. Your glory is more important than my safety/comfort/life. On a small scale I have seen consistent proof of this in my life. I can trust it will remain true even in the worst.

So am I fixed? Is this fear issue resolved in me? I've worshipped and praised God. I've covered the sin in repentance. I've taken active steps to turn away from the sinful behavior and replaced it with obedience. I'll be ready the next time the Enemy launches his assault. But ultimately, I think I'll always have to fight this battle. I guess only time will tell.

Saturday Sabbath

I should be at church right now but a chain of events (that started with me waking up late) has kept me at home. So after spending some time seeking the Lord from the kitchen table I decided I wanted to make public some of what God said to me this morning.

Our family has been trying to be more intentional about "observing the Sabbath" and yesterday we were AWESOME at it. This Sabbath seeking began about a year ago. I can't remember why or how it came up but we have been trying to be more intentional about it ever since. The thing about Sabbathing (sorry about my neologism here, I don't think "sabbath-ing" is a word, but turning the noun into a verb just seems right) is that the Bible is completely vague about how to observe it. "Honor the Sabbath day and keep it holy" is commandment 4 in the list of 10. But God was way more specific when giving Moses instructions on how to build the Temple than He was giving instructions on how to honor & keep a Sabbath rest. Jump forward a bunch of years and we see that the Pharisees certainly couldn't get Sabbathing right either. Jesus had to put them in their places quite a few times when it came to abusing the idea of resting on the Sabbath. Jump forward a bunch MORE years and here sits the Read family of 5, trying to figure out just how we're supposed to Sabbath in these modern times. In the year or so since we've been intentionally Sabbathing, I think we've only been successful at it maybe 5 times. Ouch.

Which brings me to yesterday's awesome Sabbath WIN! It's not that we did anything amazingly different or even very spiritual. We just chose to (mostly) put aside our work and spend time together as a family. We watched cartoons and ate bacon for breakfast. We jumped on our new-to-us trampoline (thank you for the 2nd hand treasure Reeves family!) I finished a novel! We napped. We jumped on the trampoline some more. Daniel suggested we go to Joe's Crab Shack for dinner. (As we were getting ready to leave, I made up a song about this. The lyrics were "We're going out to eat! So mama doesn't have to cook & clean!" I taught Isaiah to sing it with me. It was fantastic.) There was a bit of work done. Daniel finished building a knife drawer for me to maximize my counter space. I had a stinky load of cloth diapers that REALLY needed to be washed. But I was pretty pleased with us- we mostly set aside our work in favor of playing with our kids and being present with each other.

I haven't asked him about this but my guess is that Sabbathing is harder for Daniel than it is for me. Since I'm home with the kids every day, my home projects are truly never done, making it easier to set aside. For Daniel, who leaves home and goes to work, only to come home and have other, different home projects to do, and less home time to complete them. I imagine that laying aside a perfectly good home project day for the purpose of resting is difficult. That may also be why we have only Sabbath-ed successfully a handful of times so far. There's just so much work to be done and not enough free time to do it. My point is that it makes me all the more grateful to him for leading our family by example and putting his own stuff aside to invest in his people.

You know what's funny about all of this? After having taken (almost) the entire day to rest, I should have felt more stressed about things being left undone. I should be feeling like today's work load has since doubled but in typical God fashion, I feel so refreshed! Having been given the freedom to set aside our work, sans guilt(!!), and purposefully spend time together as a family is so satisfyingly restful. I feel a deeper connection to Daniel today than I did yesterday. I feel a deeper commitment to my Jesus, to be about His business, to put aside my own comfort in order to seek His face and serve His people today.

I just feel renewed. Thanks for that Jesus, because as the Giver of good gifts, the gift of rest is a great one.