Well, gosh. All I really have to say is thanks! Since my homebody/social butterfly blog post, so many of you have commented, sent messages & emails, or gave hugs (in person) but all of the encouragement has been so great. Quite a few people even told me that my wings would grow back one day, which certainly made me smile.
Before I posted the blog, I asked Daniel (our resident social butterfly) to read it. This topic certainly isn't new for us but I didn't want to catch him off guard or make him feel disrespected when he read it. So, after he read it and gave his approval, it opened the door for us to have a nice long talk that didn't result with me in tears. (For some reason, I cannot have a serious conflict discussion with Daniel without me crying. It's been that way since the beginning of our marriage, I can't explain it.) Anyway, we talked about balance. We added a Family Night to our weekly calendar so that it's a non-negotiable event. It was very very good for me. Yay. Problem solved, right? Well, no. Several friends suggested that this issue may run deeper than just a balance issue for us. It may be a case of misplaced contentment for me. Hhhmm, I hadn't considered that. Am I expecting my husband and son to carry the burden of making me happy, or am I finding my daily joy in Christ ? Am I finding ALL of my personal validation in my role as wife & mother or am I clinging to the cross to find my identity? I need to spend some time digging into this... More to come I suppose!
Showing posts with label Social Butterfly. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Social Butterfly. Show all posts
Sunday, July 14, 2013
Friday, July 12, 2013
The Balance between the Homebody and the Social Butterfly: A Parent's Dilemma
This is the tale of the Homebody and the Social Butterfly.
Once upon a time, 2 social butterflies met in college. After many years of friendship + 1 summer of working & traveling together, the butterflies fell in love and got married. The butterflies loved being married to each other and had many adventures! Spur-of-the-moment adventures, late night adventures, and even some planned adventures. They rarely thought about being out too late or missing a meal and they really just enjoyed living their lives to the fullest. In fact, the butterflies loved adventure and each other so very much that (with God's help of course) they ended up making a caterpillar! How wonderful, a baby butterfly would soon be joining their adventures!
While the caterpillar slowly grew in his mommy'stummy cocoon(?) the mommy butterfly began to wonder to herself,
"Hmm, when this caterpillar is born, our lives sure are going to change. We're going to have to do a better job of staying home, planning meals, and not missing bedtime. or nap time. Oh well. I'm sure it will all work itself out! I don't want to worry, I'll just keep flitting from adventure to adventure. "
And it was true, she didn't give it another moment of worry!
But, with that thought came something else, for the mommy social butterfly slowly began a transition of her own.
She didn't realize what was happening at first. She even subconsciously tried to fight it. For her particular newborn butterfly was VERY easygoing. He would sleep anywhere, he would nurse anywhere, he would let anyone hold him. He made it very easy for his social butterfly parents to continue enjoying their social ways. But, like all things in life, this newborn butterfly stopped being so newborn. His social butterfly mommy slowly began to realize that he slept better and longer if he slept in his crib at home. He ate better if he wasn't covered by the oh-so-interesting and VERY distracting nursing cover. He was an easier kid to play with and be around if he had some downtime at home, instead of being jerked in and out of his carseat 6 times a day. So little by little, day by day, her wings began to lose their luster. They became loose from little hands tugging, droopy from little hands playing too hard. But you know, she didn't seem to miss her wings that much. Not really. For she loved her little butterfly! Oh how he was worth that trade. She thought "I'd choose to trade my butterfly wings for this baby butterfly every single day if I had to. If becoming a homebody means I get to see my little butterfly grow into his own wings, then I CHOOSE to become a homebody!" And she felt victorious and complete.
But also a little sad.
For the daddy butterfly was not becoming a homebody. No, if anything his wings were becoming more brilliant and beautiful than they ever were before! Oh how he loved to show the world his perfect baby butterfly. He so delighted in the joy and wonder and the miracle of his little family of 2 becoming a family of 3. And he was an excellent dada- playful and attentive, fun and engaging. In fact, the daddy butterfly loved his family so much, he chose to be a stay-at-home dad for 1 day a week (which is special because most daddies don't get to be a stay-at-home dad for any days of the week!) Still, a butterfly is a butterfly and when a most enticing adventure pops us, it sure can be hard for that butterfly to stay put. No, he must do as his nature pulls him and so he allows his wings to take him to the next adventure. But the homebody mommy is left at home, feeling altogether torn between missing the memory of her now-lost wings, how life was before the baby butterfly, and yet not wanting a single thing to be different.
So she thinks "What if I forced myself to stop caring and throw myself into raising the baby butterfly?! At least that way I won't care so much when the daddy flies away." But no, for the mommy butterfly knew that was not any way to have a healthy marriage or even a pleasant life.
"What if the daddy butterfly could become a homebody like me?! That would fix it!"
But no, for the daddy butterfly would probably just grow discontent and being to resent the mommy butterfly.
You see, this is where the social butterfly and the homebody are the most different. The social butterfly just wants to go, to be on the move, to have stories and create inside jokes and find adventures. The homebody wants some of those things too but for those things to happen at home. To stay home and gather her butterflies in all around her, to enjoy the pleasure and privilege of family, to snuggle on the couch or play a game, or even just know that everyone is home where they should be.
And so this is where our story must come to pause for the rest has yet to be written. I wonder though, if you were in the position of the mommy butterfly, what truth might you share with her? What encouragement might you give her? How did you find the balance between the homebody and the social butterfly?
Once upon a time, 2 social butterflies met in college. After many years of friendship + 1 summer of working & traveling together, the butterflies fell in love and got married. The butterflies loved being married to each other and had many adventures! Spur-of-the-moment adventures, late night adventures, and even some planned adventures. They rarely thought about being out too late or missing a meal and they really just enjoyed living their lives to the fullest. In fact, the butterflies loved adventure and each other so very much that (with God's help of course) they ended up making a caterpillar! How wonderful, a baby butterfly would soon be joining their adventures!
While the caterpillar slowly grew in his mommy's
"Hmm, when this caterpillar is born, our lives sure are going to change. We're going to have to do a better job of staying home, planning meals, and not missing bedtime. or nap time. Oh well. I'm sure it will all work itself out! I don't want to worry, I'll just keep flitting from adventure to adventure. "
And it was true, she didn't give it another moment of worry!
But, with that thought came something else, for the mommy social butterfly slowly began a transition of her own.
She didn't realize what was happening at first. She even subconsciously tried to fight it. For her particular newborn butterfly was VERY easygoing. He would sleep anywhere, he would nurse anywhere, he would let anyone hold him. He made it very easy for his social butterfly parents to continue enjoying their social ways. But, like all things in life, this newborn butterfly stopped being so newborn. His social butterfly mommy slowly began to realize that he slept better and longer if he slept in his crib at home. He ate better if he wasn't covered by the oh-so-interesting and VERY distracting nursing cover. He was an easier kid to play with and be around if he had some downtime at home, instead of being jerked in and out of his carseat 6 times a day. So little by little, day by day, her wings began to lose their luster. They became loose from little hands tugging, droopy from little hands playing too hard. But you know, she didn't seem to miss her wings that much. Not really. For she loved her little butterfly! Oh how he was worth that trade. She thought "I'd choose to trade my butterfly wings for this baby butterfly every single day if I had to. If becoming a homebody means I get to see my little butterfly grow into his own wings, then I CHOOSE to become a homebody!" And she felt victorious and complete.
But also a little sad.
For the daddy butterfly was not becoming a homebody. No, if anything his wings were becoming more brilliant and beautiful than they ever were before! Oh how he loved to show the world his perfect baby butterfly. He so delighted in the joy and wonder and the miracle of his little family of 2 becoming a family of 3. And he was an excellent dada- playful and attentive, fun and engaging. In fact, the daddy butterfly loved his family so much, he chose to be a stay-at-home dad for 1 day a week (which is special because most daddies don't get to be a stay-at-home dad for any days of the week!) Still, a butterfly is a butterfly and when a most enticing adventure pops us, it sure can be hard for that butterfly to stay put. No, he must do as his nature pulls him and so he allows his wings to take him to the next adventure. But the homebody mommy is left at home, feeling altogether torn between missing the memory of her now-lost wings, how life was before the baby butterfly, and yet not wanting a single thing to be different.
So she thinks "What if I forced myself to stop caring and throw myself into raising the baby butterfly?! At least that way I won't care so much when the daddy flies away." But no, for the mommy butterfly knew that was not any way to have a healthy marriage or even a pleasant life.
"What if the daddy butterfly could become a homebody like me?! That would fix it!"
But no, for the daddy butterfly would probably just grow discontent and being to resent the mommy butterfly.
You see, this is where the social butterfly and the homebody are the most different. The social butterfly just wants to go, to be on the move, to have stories and create inside jokes and find adventures. The homebody wants some of those things too but for those things to happen at home. To stay home and gather her butterflies in all around her, to enjoy the pleasure and privilege of family, to snuggle on the couch or play a game, or even just know that everyone is home where they should be.
And so this is where our story must come to pause for the rest has yet to be written. I wonder though, if you were in the position of the mommy butterfly, what truth might you share with her? What encouragement might you give her? How did you find the balance between the homebody and the social butterfly?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)