The Uncertain Mommy

There is little else more crippling than uncertainty. I'd rather things be truly black or white but uncertainty is that frustratingly perfect shade of gray. I'd rather be sure of myself and be dead wrong than keep questioning every move, every thought, every possibility. Allow me to provide a little backstory.

One year and 18 days ago Daniel & I welcomed the most perfect little baby boy into our lives. And let me tell you, he was perfection. We got off EASY with this one. Isaiah was a great sleeper (he slept through the night at 3 weeks old.) He was a great eater (after a 2 week adjustment period, nursing was easy-peasy.) He was a very easy newborn and I really didn't struggle to feel sure of myself as a new mom. It felt natural to me.

Then around 6 months we got Isaiah on a great nap schedule. It took a few weeks of cry-it-out but our decisions felt good and right. Yes he was crying but it was a means to an end, eventually he'd learn to be ok with naptime. We also introduced him to solids. We learned very quickly that Isaiah preferred fruits to veggies. But it really didn't matter, we were just introducing solids while still nursing full time. I was sure of myself.

As the months went by, Isaiah met new milestones and learned new things and was a happy, easy to please, joy-filled little guy. Parenting felt natural. I rarely questioned myself or my decisions as his mom. That's not say I didn't make mistakes or have a few lessons to learn (Someday I'll share the story of when a woman in the Kroger parking lot called the police on me but that lesson still hurts a little :) But I was sure of myself. I was getting pretty good at reading Isaiah's cues and cries and moods. I felt so good as a new mom, at times I even felt like I was fulfilling some higher purpose just by living my life.

If parenting was college, this past year I majored in Isaiah (And minored in Daniel.) I have spent the last year of my life learning all about Isaiah.

And then Isaiah turned 1.

Suddenly I feel like I have an entirely different kid. This new kid is SUPER moody- there's no telling if he'll wake up happy and ready to play or angry and inconsolable. He freaks out every single time I lay him down for a nap. He has a few favorite foods and everything else gets thrown to the floor. He's learning to be more independent so when I tell him no or take him away from something dangerous, he throws a fit with limbs flailing & tears falling. Where is my happy, smiley baby? Who exchanged him for this temperamental toddler?

I am now entirely uncertain of nearly every decision I make involving Isaiah. Here's an example of what I mean. Let's pretend it's lunchtime at the Read house. My internal dialogue goes something like this:
"I should really give Isaiah something new for lunch. He can't live on watermelon and goldfish crackers alone. He needs to eat something GREEN. Ugh, why bother? The likelihood of that getting eaten is pretty small. It'll end up on the floor, in his hair, on the wall, everywhere but in his belly. Still, I should at least offer it. The experts say that a kid should try something 10 times before making a decision to like or dislike it. But I'm really in no mood to mop the floor. Again. But it's important that he be exposed to a variety of foods. I'd rather mop the floor 100 times than raise a picky eater..."

And on and on, back and forth I go. And I'm like this all day long: Isaiah has a little cough, should I fork over $200 and take him to the doctor? Why does he fight his naps when he is clearly tired? Why does he wake up crying? Why does he eat great at some meals and won't touch anything at the next? Is he too young to discipline? What is so fascinating about climbing up and down the stairs? Why does he cry every time I put him in his car seat? WHAT AM I DOING WRONG?

It's exhausting. I have found myself wishing he was older and could talk so that I wouldn't spend my day guessing at what's bothering him. I don't want to wish this time away, I've heard from too many parents to "cherish the time, it goes by so fast" but I'm so tired of being so uncertain.

Sigh. So that's my struggle. So sorry for the rant. It's just where my head+heart are at today. Feel free to comment with your suggestions for any or all of the questions posted above :)