Daniel & Isaiah were out on the porch getting their hair cut. I went out with a towel to brush off Isaiah and as I bent down, suddenly there was a puddle below me! I rushed up stairs to get cleaned up, trying to remember all that I've been taught about recognizing amniotic fluid. When I was nearing the end of my pregnancy with Isaiah, my doula gave me an awesome tip for this sort of thing. You know how the Pampers Swaddlers diapers have that wetness indicator strip? The one that turns from yellow to blue after your baby has peed in the diaper? Well, she recommended I wear a diaper like a pad and if the strip turns colors then VOILA! proof that my water had broken. So in goes the diaper and we went about our evening. I kept waiting for the contractions to start but... nothing. When my water broke with Isaiah, the contractions began about a half an hour later. There was no question that labor had begun (of course it didn't hurt that Isaiah was already a week overdue and we knew labor was inevitable.) But by the time we climbed into bed last night I was beginning to think it had been a false alarm. No contractions yet. Maybe I just have an over active bladder.
As I lay in bed trying to get comfortable enough to fall asleep, my thoughts kept racing back and forth. "I'm only 34 weeks, and 36 weeks has been my goal. I don't really want labor to start anyway."
"But everyone says twins come early. Besides, they should weigh enough to be healthy by now."
"But every day in the womb is another day closer to their best start possible."
"But I'm so weary of this pregnancy. Can't it be over now?!"
And back and forth my thoughts would go.
Finally I fell into a restless sleep, still not fully convinced my water hadn't broken and waiting for the pain of contractions to begin. And then came the dream.
In my dream, the contractions HAD begun. So I woke Daniel and we began to pack for the hospital. I called my mom and our doula and both came over to do their part. However, Dena our doula was quietly panicking, chastising us for not already having packed our hospital bags and trying to hurry us along. I kept thinking "this isn't right, we're supposed to labor at home. Why is she rushing us to get to the hospital?" Then I realized my body was already pushing. Daniel reached down to catch our daughter and out she slid. She was covered in typical newborn baby goo but she wasn't a newborn. She was a tall, gangly 2 year old. She had long stringy brown hair and something about her was not right. She didn't cry, she didn't make any noise at all, she just opened her eyes and blinked at us. But something was missing. She had no life in her eyes. She wasn't dead but she was definitely not all there. My mom took her from Daniel and cleaned her up. She also gave her a hair cut so her long hair wasn't in her face and eyes. She found some toddler clothes and dressed her. In the meantime, my contractions had stopped. It seemed that McKenna's brother was not as eager to make his entrance as his sister had been. I couldn't shake the fact that something was wrong with McKenna. And why wasn't she a baby? She was born 6 weeks early, something was not right.
And that was the end of the dream. As if I wasn't already struggling to sleep well, this dream left me unsettled and even more weary. And still no sign of labor actually beginning. I even checked my diaper wetness indicator but it was still yellow. Sigh. I had been fooled. I am the girl who cried labor. Strike 1.
In the meantime, here's a list of things I am looking forward to POST delivery:
- Being able to bend over and breathe at the same time
- Having a lap for Isaiah to sit on
- Getting out of bed/out of a chair/off the ground without having to plan an exit strategy
- Sleeping on my back and belly again
- Sleeping without hip pain
- The ability to take a deep breath without having a baby shoved up into my diaphragm
- Having the ability to outrun Isaiah, my 1-year-old track star
- Having an appetite again
- Fewer trips to the restroom
- Walking up a flight of stairs without losing my breath
- Being able to fit through tight spaces
- Drinking a Cherry Coke without guilt
- Jimmy John's Beach Club
- NO.MORE.HEART BURN!!!
- Oh yes and of course I can't wait to hold our twins on the outside. For that matter, I can't for OTHER people to hold them too. I'm ready to share :)
