The mommy sacrifice

I have always wanted to be a mom. Of course, most little girls play house and carry baby dolls and if asked, would say that they want to be a mom someday. It's just something I've always wanted to be. I think that desire is normal for most girls. But what's funny is I don't remember ever playing house and actually thinking about what being a mom would require. I CERTAINLY don't remember thinking that being a mom would be so sacrificial and require so much dying-to-self. I suppose I'm realizing how grateful I am that my own mom never laid on a guilt trip or used manipulation to remind me how much she was giving up just by being my mom.

Today I had to be a sacrificial mom.

This morning at church, I was randomly given tickets to today's Reds game (thanks Dale & Jenny!) Excitedly, I scanned the church to find Daniel and share the good news. The service was about to start so I knew I didn't have much time. Finding him near the front, I asked him if there was anything pressing he needed to take care of right after church. He said no and I flashed him the tickets. A smile cracked his face and I knew this just made his day. After the worship set, we made plans for Isaiah & I to head home so Zay could nap. Daniel would meet up with us right after second service and we'd head to the game. We figured we could wake Zay from his nap a little early but he would be OK. I load Zay in his car seat, head home, feed him lunch and put him down for a nap. After listening to him chat and sing to himself for about 20 minutes he finally fell asleep. I glanced at the clock- 12:10. Daniel had said he'd try to be home by 12:30 and then we'd leave. That meant Zay would get a 20 minute nap. I'm sorry but you just don't wake a 1 year old up from a 20 minute nap and expect him to be fully refreshed and ready to go sit still at a baseball game for 3 hours. Sigh. I called Daniel. We agreed that yes, Isaiah should get to nap for longer than 20 minutes. I told Daniel he should find someone else to take to the game. sigh.

Now I realize that in a blog post about motherly sacrifice this example is small in comparison. I know there are mothers sacrificing far more significant and life giving things in order to give their children the best life possible. Please don't think me shallow for my example. Today this sacrifice feels hard to me. Daniel & I have always enjoyed going to Reds games, especially when the tickets are free :) I love seeing him get so excited about a game and a team he loves. I love getting to sit next to him and hear him talk about each player's stats. I learn something new at nearly every game we watch. I'm sacrificing this bonding time with my husband so that my son can get the rest and growth he needs.

I know I won't always have to make such sacrifices. I know that the sacrifices will change as my children grow and mature. But I also never realized how selfish I was until I became a mom. It is as though my eyes have suddenly been opened to all of these (now) painfully, glaringly obvious selfish crevices littered all throughout my heart. And I tell you it is not fun to have light thrown onto those ugly crevices. Because as soon as the light exposes the selfishness, I have to make an instant decision wether to put my own desire aside and serve my family's needs or choose myself and deal with the consequence. I guess what I'm saying is I don't have the luxury of time to draw the selfishness out of myself. I have to deal with it daily, as soon as it rears its ugly head and it can be exhausting!

There is one consolation to this sad, sacrificial mommy moment. Daniel is currently enjoying the game with his dad. If there is any other person in the world I would give up a Reds tickets for, it is my father-in-law. Daniel & Ken share many love languages, they are so alike. But baseball has been a common bond for them since the beginning of Daniel's life.

It's 1:45pm and Isaiah is just now chatting to himself as he wakes up from his nap. The game started 30 minutes ago. At least I have MLB TV & Marty Brennaman to keep me company.

Yup. We're having twins.

Friday the 13th has never been an ominous day for me. I wasn't raised in a superstitious home, in fact my parents did a great job of explaining that we don't have to worry about superstition because the power of Jesus' love overrides any of that dark spooky stuff. Anyway, this particular Friday the 13th was an exciting day because it was my first official OB-GYN appointment. Daniel & I had known for several weeks that I had gotten pregnant right after the miscarriage so it was exciting to know that today I'd get to hear baby's heartbeat. I needed to hear that heartbeat to wash away the left over shards of fear the miscarriage had left behind. From the start this pregnancy has been so different than my pregnancy with Reuben (see this post to understand why we decided to name the baby I miscarried.) I have had significantly stronger symptoms. No nausuea or morning sickness (thank you Lord) but oh, the heart burn. This baby was making him/herself known from the start! Also, my clothes stopped fitting 20 minutes after reading the positive pregnancy test. Ok, ok, maybe not THAT soon but I was surprised at how quickly I was unbuttoning jeans and hunting for any remnant maternity clothes (not planning on getting pregnant again so soon, I had loaned out most of my maternity clothes.) When pregnant with Isaiah I stretched my regular clothes well into my second trimester. This was not going to be the case with this pregnancy. To be honest, the weight gain was freaking me out a little bit. I had just stopped nursing Isaiah and I had read that some weight can creep back in after you stop nursing. That explained some but not enough to make feel ok. I've always carried around some extra weight but I stay pretty consistent and when your pants suddenly don't fit, that can be the cause of a female freak out...

So, back to Friday the 13th, my awesome midwife-turned-doctor squirted the doppler goop on my belly and very quickly found that heartbeat. It was music to my ears. My tears started to fall and my doctor gently squeezed my hand. I told her I was crying happy tears but she said she knew they were happy tears born out of sadness. She even let me record the heartbeat so I could send it to Daniel. Then she started pressing on my belly, trying to see if she could feel my uterus. She pressed for a a few minutes and said "Remind me again, how far along are you?" I said "Well, we don't technically know. I think I'm 10 weeks. The miscarriage was a little over 11 weeks ago so I can't be much farther along than 10 weeks." She pressed a few more times then said "I know everything is fine because the heartbeat was so strong but let's get you in for an ultrasound and see if we can get an accurate due date."

So I headed home, happily considering what this could be. Here's what I figured, from most logical to most far fetched:
Option 1- I'm having an abnormally large baby.
Option 2- I'm somehow still pregnant from the miscarriage. Seems a little impossible but I serve a God of amazing things, I wouldn't put this past Him.
Option 3- It's twins... HA. No.

I actually considered the idea of twins MORE far fetched than the idea of God working a miracle and allowing me to still be pregnant after what was very obviously a miscarriage (followed by a negative pregnancy test one week after.)

So I called the scheduling office at Bethesda North and asked the operator if they by chance had any ultrasound openings for later that day. She said she doubted it but she'd check. And what do you know, they had had a cancellation and could see me at 3:15pm. Fast forward to the parking lot at Bethesda North later that day. Daniel, Isaiah, & I were getting ready to get out of the car to meet our baby and I was reviewing the 3 options I had created. We both scoffed at the idea of twins and I reminded him of what some friends had told us when told them we were pregnant with Isaiah. They said "we hope this baby is twins so you'll never know any different. Then when a singleton (the medical word for one baby) comes along, you'll realize just how easy one baby is."

We should have seen the signs...

Once we were safely ensconced back in the ultrasound room, the technician dimmed the lights, squirted more doppler goop on my belly and very quickly our little baby appeared on the screen. Except it looked like our little baby was encased in a bubble with another white blob looking thing directly underneath it. I wasn't entirely sure what I was looking at anyway, ultrasound technicians are like people who read tea leaves, they can see the future where the untrained eye sees nothing. And then came the phrase we least expected to hear. "You're having twins."

Oh. my. word. Cue the freak out session. I start crying. I'm looking over Daniel who looks like he's desperately to translate exactly what he's seeing and what he's hearing all while trying to distract Isaiah who chose that moment to exert his independence and was demanding to be put down. The technician is measuring the heart rateS (169 & 163 beats per minute) and printing out pictures. She explained that the twins are in their own gestational sacs which is a good thing. Apparently it means they're less likely to get tangled in each others umbilical cords this way. She also thought she might be able to tell if they're identical or fraternal but after consulting with her doctor she said it was too soon to tell. So she sends us on our way with a fistful of ultrasound pictures and our worlds are forever rocked and changed.

Twins? How will I ever manage?

On our way back to the car Daniel immediately starts planning how we will tell our families but says we have to wait until Christmas to do it. "Christmas?" I say. "I can't keep this from my mom until Christmas! I'll burst!" But he says "This will make such a great present! We've got to wait!" I realize it's gonna be a loooooong week and a half.

I then spent the weekend that followed in a ball of emotion, crying over the insane changes that are very quickly coming to our family, mourning the beginning of the end to our family of 3, realizing Isaiah will never remember being the only child, worrying that he'll feel like a second class citizen when the twins are born and he gets relegated to diaper fetching duty, wondering if the twins can somehow sense I am less than excited about the news of their arrival, thinking of questions and unknowns, and realizing we will need 2 of everything expensive (cribs! car seats! bikes! cars! college tuition! weddings!)

I'm still not 100% excited about the news. Every once in a while it'll hit me and I'll start to cry or worry or fear and I have to remind myself that God equips those who ask Him to. God gave us the privilege of parenting multiples, He'll supply our needs when the time comes. Give me time, I'll be excited at least by the day they're born :)

Merry Christmas Baby!

One of the BEST parts of having your own kid is that you can make your kid into your own little model/photo shoot subject. And for an amateur photographer/part time stay-at-home mom, that means fun on my off days! Well, thanks to an idea from the most awesomest invention ever (Pinterest, of course) I decided to stage a little Christmas photo shoot...

So, the first thing I needed to do was track down the little car. I put out a plea on Facebook to borrow one and Daniel came home that very afternoon with the little car in tow. The second step was to put together the lumber jack outfit. We already had the hat and the little lumber jack boots but the plaid jacket was really gonna make or break the ensemble. We had nothing even close. Well, wouldn't you know it my wonderful mother-in-law bought Isaiah a bag of second hand clothes and lo and behold this little beauty was tucked in the bottom of the bag! Step three was to wait for the perfect day. I didn't want it too warm because I knew Isaiah would not like wearing a hat and fleece jacket on a warm fall day. I also didn't want it too overcast because I'm not that good of a photographer and I need the sunlight to take the best pictures. Step four was to catch Isaiah in a good mood and head outside!

All of the steps came together perfectly today! Well, all of the steps except for #4. My plan was to take Isaiah outside after his nap, which is a prime good mood spot in his day. I laid him down for his nap at the usual time and he proceeded to roll around and play for the next hour. He never actually fell asleep. So I rescued him from his baby prison, dressed him in his 'costume' and out we went. This is what happens when Isaiah is not in a good mood and I try to make him do stuff:

Luckily, Daniel came to the rescue and got Isaiah laughing and giggling while I got the poses I needed to get the best shots. All in all it was quite the successful little photo shoot! And what did Isaiah do not 10 minutes after coming inside? He went down for a 2 hour nap of course! Here are a few more from our photo shoot:

Recouping at the Gorge

It's been a week since the M word. We are steadily getting back to normal. Last Sunday was awful. The worst. I would not wish losing a baby on anyone, even a person I thought shouldn't be allowed to procreate, I still would not wish loss of life on them. SO many women in my life have shared their own M stories with me. Seriously, SO. MANY. WOMEN. Too many women have endured this awful, heart rending pain. There is a sense of solidarity with those other mothers who know this pain. Women I would have described as strong, noble, faithful, passionate followers of Christ. Women who proclaim with their lives and their families and their lifestyles and their language and their humility a deep seeded love and trust for the One True God. Women whose lives have been rocked and scarred and yet still they proclaim that God is good; that He is faithful always. No matter how life on earth turns out, He is faithful. Always. He can be nothing BUT faithful. I want to be a woman like these in my life. I want my children to "rise and call my blessed" (Prov. 31:28) because of the example I set. Because of the language I speak. Because I pointed them to God. Because God's faithfulness was always on my lips. I will take what the enemy intended for evil, what the enemy thought would tear me down or break my spirit or forever break my heart and I will say "The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away, may the name of the Lord be praise." Job 1:21

This past weekend was Fall Break at CCU, where I teach. We used the extra time to get away as a family. Daniel loves camping at the Red River Gorge. He says he likes to hear the wind as it rustles through the leaves in the trees and through all of the gorge. I just wanted to get away with my boys and have a change of pace. Our plan was to head down Friday morning, hike, then set up our tent, cook some dinner, and enjoy nature. I don't know if this was a prompting from God or just Daniel being impatient, but he decided to rent a cabin, The Firefly Suite, for Thursday night. So, around 6:30pm, we loaded Isaiah into the Buick and the 3 of us headed to the Gorge. We knew it would be late and very dark when we got to our cabin. The website said the cabin is "off the grid", meaning no electricity and no running water. What it failed to mention is that driving a Buick Century up the gravely, hilly road to the cabin is not a great idea. Particularly if your husband just had eye surgery, meaning he can't see well enough to drive at night, leaving the wife to navigate GIANT Buick on the teeny tiny one lane gravely, hilly road. Add a screaming baby to the mix and you've got our arrival at the Firefly Suite.

Once we actually got into our cabin though, all the stress of our arrival was gone. This cabin. Oh my. So perfect. You can see pictures on the website (the link is above.) Thanks to the cabin being "off the grid", there was no electricity so the area we were in was pitch black, which meant the stars were so bright and clear. And to top it off, there was another cabin not far from ours and some one started to play the fiddle. It was so perfect and peaceful. Exactly what I needed.

So after a night's rest, we were off to hike the Gorge! We started out at Natural Bridge. We hiked up, up, up until we got to the top of the Bridge. We reminisced about the Geology Field Trip. We oohed and aahed over the view and God's incredible creativity. We let Isaiah crawl around in the dirt. Then we hiked down Balancing Rock Trail. Daniel found and carved a walking stick. We joked about how a man who is basically half blind should not be allowed to use a pocket knife and walk at the same time but he did it anyway. We walked down lots and lots of stairs.

Balancing Rock!

Then it was on to Miguel's for lunch! You haven't been to the Red River Gorge if you haven't eaten pizza at Miguel's. We decided that it's not necessarily because Miguel's pizza is all that good but because it's basically the ONLY food you can find in the middle of the Gorge. Isaiah helped us polish off a piece or two. That kid loves pizza.

Ale 8!
(don't worry, it was empty- no pop for this kid!)

At that point our plan was to grab a Backwoods Camping Pass, let Isaiah nap for a bit, hike to a scenic spot on the ridge, and set up camp. Except the Red River Gorge is a state park, and within the Red River Gorge is the Daniel Boone National Forest.

Which meant that the park was closed to camping because of the Government Shutdown.

Which left us with a decision. Option #1 was to ignore the Government Shutdown, pocket the $3 Backwoods Camping Pass, and continue as planned. After all, if the Park Rangers and other employees are all on furlough then there is no accountability. Camp or don't camp, no one is there to know. Option #2 was to obey the rules, bite the bullet and head home early. We kept waffling, we couldn't decide if we wanted to take our chances or have our plans ruined. We decided to hike around a bit more then make a campfire and cook our dinner (mmm... hobo packs!) Eventually we knew that the right choice was to obey the rules. So Daniel at least got to make an awesome fire, I got to practice being a backwoods chef, and Isaiah got to crawl around in the dirt some more and eat pine needles. After dinner we splashed water on our fire, hiked back to the car, and headed home. And as we passed the car of a fellow hiker, who had told us he was planning on spending the night without a pass, we chuckled at the State Trooper vehicle parked next to his.

So despite our somewhat ruined plans, we had a fantastic time. It was so healing for me to get away with my boys and have the space to be together without a to-do list, even if just for 24 hours.

Having more babies...

Please note right off the bat that this blog post is NOT, I repeat NOT a pregnancy announcement. I am not, to my knowledge currently with child. I am however becoming more and more OK with getting pregnant again. Up until, oh... yesterday I would have told you that I am just not yet ready to add another baby to our mix. Isaiah is still my baby! I am guessing this is normal but I'm having a difficult time seeing my baby as a toddler, and with good reason. He's still nursing 3-4 times a day and he's not walking yet. He's still a baby to me! Maybe I'll always see him as my baby. Time will tell I suppose.

So up until yesterday, every time I thought about going through pregnancy again I felt uneasy. I remembered the heart burn and the difficulty sleeping, the feeling awkward in my own skin. And I had an easy pregnancy with Isaiah! It all started with a negative pregnancy test a few days ago. I had been having terrible heart burn (which I've only ever had when pregnant) so I thought maybe I was in the family way. But when the test came up negative I felt a tiny twinge of sadness, which took me by surprise! I have been vehemently telling Daniel that I'm just not ready for #2 yet.

Then I saw a newborn baby on Sunday and I got that inkling.

And I was at Once Upon a Child today looking for a winter coat for Isaiah and I saw all the newborn clothes and I got the urge.

So... maybe there will be another Read baby in 2014. Thankfully I'm not the one who decides when a life is created so I just get to enjoy the ride ;)

The Uncertain Mommy

There is little else more crippling than uncertainty. I'd rather things be truly black or white but uncertainty is that frustratingly perfect shade of gray. I'd rather be sure of myself and be dead wrong than keep questioning every move, every thought, every possibility. Allow me to provide a little backstory.

One year and 18 days ago Daniel & I welcomed the most perfect little baby boy into our lives. And let me tell you, he was perfection. We got off EASY with this one. Isaiah was a great sleeper (he slept through the night at 3 weeks old.) He was a great eater (after a 2 week adjustment period, nursing was easy-peasy.) He was a very easy newborn and I really didn't struggle to feel sure of myself as a new mom. It felt natural to me.

Then around 6 months we got Isaiah on a great nap schedule. It took a few weeks of cry-it-out but our decisions felt good and right. Yes he was crying but it was a means to an end, eventually he'd learn to be ok with naptime. We also introduced him to solids. We learned very quickly that Isaiah preferred fruits to veggies. But it really didn't matter, we were just introducing solids while still nursing full time. I was sure of myself.

As the months went by, Isaiah met new milestones and learned new things and was a happy, easy to please, joy-filled little guy. Parenting felt natural. I rarely questioned myself or my decisions as his mom. That's not say I didn't make mistakes or have a few lessons to learn (Someday I'll share the story of when a woman in the Kroger parking lot called the police on me but that lesson still hurts a little :) But I was sure of myself. I was getting pretty good at reading Isaiah's cues and cries and moods. I felt so good as a new mom, at times I even felt like I was fulfilling some higher purpose just by living my life.

If parenting was college, this past year I majored in Isaiah (And minored in Daniel.) I have spent the last year of my life learning all about Isaiah.

And then Isaiah turned 1.

Suddenly I feel like I have an entirely different kid. This new kid is SUPER moody- there's no telling if he'll wake up happy and ready to play or angry and inconsolable. He freaks out every single time I lay him down for a nap. He has a few favorite foods and everything else gets thrown to the floor. He's learning to be more independent so when I tell him no or take him away from something dangerous, he throws a fit with limbs flailing & tears falling. Where is my happy, smiley baby? Who exchanged him for this temperamental toddler?

I am now entirely uncertain of nearly every decision I make involving Isaiah. Here's an example of what I mean. Let's pretend it's lunchtime at the Read house. My internal dialogue goes something like this:
"I should really give Isaiah something new for lunch. He can't live on watermelon and goldfish crackers alone. He needs to eat something GREEN. Ugh, why bother? The likelihood of that getting eaten is pretty small. It'll end up on the floor, in his hair, on the wall, everywhere but in his belly. Still, I should at least offer it. The experts say that a kid should try something 10 times before making a decision to like or dislike it. But I'm really in no mood to mop the floor. Again. But it's important that he be exposed to a variety of foods. I'd rather mop the floor 100 times than raise a picky eater..."

And on and on, back and forth I go. And I'm like this all day long: Isaiah has a little cough, should I fork over $200 and take him to the doctor? Why does he fight his naps when he is clearly tired? Why does he wake up crying? Why does he eat great at some meals and won't touch anything at the next? Is he too young to discipline? What is so fascinating about climbing up and down the stairs? Why does he cry every time I put him in his car seat? WHAT AM I DOING WRONG?

It's exhausting. I have found myself wishing he was older and could talk so that I wouldn't spend my day guessing at what's bothering him. I don't want to wish this time away, I've heard from too many parents to "cherish the time, it goes by so fast" but I'm so tired of being so uncertain.

Sigh. So that's my struggle. So sorry for the rant. It's just where my head+heart are at today. Feel free to comment with your suggestions for any or all of the questions posted above :)

FBA (First Birthday Aftermath)

I gotta admit, we threw an ROCKIN' Winnie-the-Pooh party for Isaiah yesterday. Here are a few shots of the set up. I had a BLAST gathering ideas (thank you, Pinterest) and then creating the ones that seemed the most feasible. This party was the perfect way for me to cap off Isaiah's 1st year and it was just the creative outlet I needed for summer break.

I found this adorable Winne the Pooh onesie on clearance at the Disney store. Then my sister cut off the long sleeves and turned them into leggings. How cute is this kid?! 

We had a wonderful time with our friends and family. Lots of people came to celebrate our big boy. We had yards games like Corn Hole, Kan Jam, and Polish Horseshoes for the adults. We had a pinata, a swing, and a Winnie the Pooh reading corner for the kiddos. And of course there was the cake smash. Let's just say this was NOT Isaiah's first taste of sweet stuff. So he knew exactly what to do when that cupcake hit his highchair. Notice the cupcake is upside down in the middle picture? That would be because Isaiah started with a fistful of icing, and never really made it to the cake portion...

 The only downside to the day was Isaiah's nap schedule. He only napped for 45 minutes after church so he didn't make it long into his party before he was ready for another nap. He went down around 3:30 and slept until 5:30. Just in time for his party to be over and for the present opening to BEGIN. Now, when I created the invitations, I specifically put "Gifts are not expected" so that people would not feel obligated to bring anything, but to just enjoy the party. Well... people brought gifts. LOTS of them! Since gift giving is a love language, we know for certain Isaiah is loved. (Notice all the random lids, hangers, and plastic kitchen utensils? Some friends asked what Isaiah liked to play with and I jokingly said "Oh you know, normal baby toys like bottles, tupperware, spoons, etc." So they went along with the joke and gifted their odds and ends to us. Gee... thanks Jake & Jackie.

Now we come to today.
I woke up with a pretty nasty headache and have fought it all day. And I have zero energy to do anything. I took Isaiah for his 1 year check up and was struggling just to focus on all the doctor was saying. Blech. With an active and very curious 1 year old running crawling around, not having any energy makes for a very messy day. Here's an example. I was laying on the couch with a cold washcloth on my forehead, trying to beat my headache whilst watching Isaiah empty a box of tissues one sheet at a time. He then proceeded to tear each tissue into tiny shreds. And I just watched him. I didn't stop him. I didn't even tell him no in the hopes that he's understand me and find a new toy. Nope. Just watched him enjoy what was likely the highlight of his little day (he is forever trying to get at that tissue box.)  At least one us has the energy to do something today. So I decided to name my troubled day. Yup, I made up a syndrome. I call it First Birthday Aftermath. I imagine I will suffer from this malady every year and will have to yearly update my syndrome but I also don't plan on throwing such a slam bang party every year. I think the only cure is to start planning another party...

Notice the tissues off to the right? Yeah.

The Throes of Labor

So exactly this time 365 days ago I was in the THROES of labor with Isaiah! My water broke at 7:30pm and I labored on the floor next to our bed all night. Daniel caught snatches of sleep, waking every few hours to see if I needed anything. Finally at 6am he called Dena, our doula and she came and helped me labor for another 6 hours before we finally went to the hospital! Isaiah was born naturally at 3:30pm Saturday August 18.

It's funny how memories can dim, even just after 1 year. I have ZERO recollection of the the physical pain of labor. I remember telling Daniel how badly it hurt. I remember begging for an epidural about 12 hours in (my labor lasted 18 hours) but I simply could not describe the pain of a contraction to you... It's odd really. I DO remember the feeling of that final push that fully released Isaiah and a feeling of shock and awe washing over me as I held my newborn son.

But of course it was worth it. I so do not regret having a natural labor. Isaiah was so aware and alert after I delivered him. I truly loved laboring at home instead of hooked up in a hospital. I am so so so grateful we decided to hire a doula to help us labor more efficiently at home.

And now here we are, 1 year later with an AWESOME, happy, heart stealing, blue eyed baby boy who is the light of our lives. Oh my how we love this boy. I have planned a SLAM BANG Winnie the Pooh birthday party for him tomorrow. I am very pumped about this party. All I can say is "Thank You Pinterest!" I am very excited to celebrate Isaiah first year of life. Be on the lookout for pictures soon!

Parenting wishes

I'm sitting quietly, listening to Isaiah wail his head off in the next room, calling out "mama, mama" and I'm doing nothing about it. He needs to be sleeping right now and the longer he cries, the more tired he gets. The more tired he gets, the longer he'll sleep. The longer the sleep, the better the nap. These are all good things, right? Babies need naps and based on the way he's been carrying on, my baby DEFINITELY needs a nap. But he's been crying for almost a half an hour, which is sort of a rarity for Isaiah. Don't get me wrong, he cries, just not for super long periods. I keep having to find distractions to keep myself from going in to 'rescue' him. So I'm blogging. You, dear reader, are my current distraction :)

I am learning that I find myself wishing for certain things as a parent...

1. The thing you wish your kid would grow out of.
 I LOVE having a baby around. I know that all babies must grow and if he wasn't growing then something might be wrong with him, but I also secretly hate how quickly he's growing up (I know, I know, every parents says this.) But I am SO ready for Isaiah to grow out of the napping stage. He goes down for a nap at 8am, 11am,  and 2pm. Do you know how hard it is to go to the grocery store knowing you only have a 2 hour window before it's time for another nap. My technique is to get myself ready, get the car loaded, get shoes on and the second that kid wakes up we are out the door. Stressful.

2. The thing you wish you knew about your kid.
I wish I could read Isaiah's mind. Has he had enough to eat? Let me tap into my gift of telepathy to ask. Why is he crying? Mind reading would keep me from nursing for comfort instead of hunger, changing a diaper that's not dirty, or forcing him to nap when he's not that tired. Did he actually poop or is it just gas? I'd never have to peek down the backside of his diaper again. If I continue to lay in bed when he cries at 6am, will he go back to sleep on his own? Nope, probably not.

3. The thing you never ever in a hundred years thought you do/say/experience.
(OK so it's not technically a wish. Just go with it.)
Examples: I never thought I'd be so excited to see a person poop. [This was following almost a week of no pooping for Isaiah.] I never thought I would say "Oh my gosh I think he ate a dust bunny." [EVERYTHING goes in Isaiah's mouth. Luckily (this time) I was fast enough that I fished the dust bunny out of his mouth before he swallowed.] Which leads to my 3rd example, sticking my fingers in someone else's mouth. I probably have my fingers in Isaiah's mouth twice a day. Seriously EVERYTHING goes in this kids mouth. Unless it's time to eat, when the things we place before him we encourage him to put in his mouth. Then he's not interested.

4. The thing you wish you could protect your kid from.
This is the serious one.  Someone told me once that having a child is like taking you heart and allowing to walk around outside of your body. I so get that. I hate when Isaiah experiences pain. Teething pains, growing pains, actual pains (like the time he fell off the bed. and the ottoman. and the couch.) I want to protect him from everything bad. I can spend the next 18+ years doing that, right? And still raise a high functioning, normal, responsible man? OK probably not. I don't WANT to spend the rest of my life worrying. I reject the mantle that all mothers worry. I just don't see that as being the best possible way to show God that all my faith is in Him. "Yes Lord, I do trust You. I'm just going to sit over and worry about every little thing that Isaiah might ever encounter in his entire life. But I'm still trusting You, Jesus!" Uh no.

So while some wishes are funny and some wishes are impractical, they're just wishes and not reality. You know what is a reality? Isaiah has been asleep for almost an hour now :) Thanks for the distraction!