Once upon a time, 2 social butterflies met in college. After many years of friendship + 1 summer of working & traveling together, the butterflies fell in love and got married. The butterflies loved being married to each other and had many adventures! Spur-of-the-moment adventures, late night adventures, and even some planned adventures. They rarely thought about being out too late or missing a meal and they really just enjoyed living their lives to the fullest. In fact, the butterflies loved adventure and each other so very much that (with God's help of course) they ended up making a caterpillar! How wonderful, a baby butterfly would soon be joining their adventures!
While the caterpillar slowly grew in his mommy's
"Hmm, when this caterpillar is born, our lives sure are going to change. We're going to have to do a better job of staying home, planning meals, and not missing bedtime. or nap time. Oh well. I'm sure it will all work itself out! I don't want to worry, I'll just keep flitting from adventure to adventure. "
And it was true, she didn't give it another moment of worry!
But, with that thought came something else, for the mommy social butterfly slowly began a transition of her own.
She didn't realize what was happening at first. She even subconsciously tried to fight it. For her particular newborn butterfly was VERY easygoing. He would sleep anywhere, he would nurse anywhere, he would let anyone hold him. He made it very easy for his social butterfly parents to continue enjoying their social ways. But, like all things in life, this newborn butterfly stopped being so newborn. His social butterfly mommy slowly began to realize that he slept better and longer if he slept in his crib at home. He ate better if he wasn't covered by the oh-so-interesting and VERY distracting nursing cover. He was an easier kid to play with and be around if he had some downtime at home, instead of being jerked in and out of his carseat 6 times a day. So little by little, day by day, her wings began to lose their luster. They became loose from little hands tugging, droopy from little hands playing too hard. But you know, she didn't seem to miss her wings that much. Not really. For she loved her little butterfly! Oh how he was worth that trade. She thought "I'd choose to trade my butterfly wings for this baby butterfly every single day if I had to. If becoming a homebody means I get to see my little butterfly grow into his own wings, then I CHOOSE to become a homebody!" And she felt victorious and complete.
But also a little sad.
For the daddy butterfly was not becoming a homebody. No, if anything his wings were becoming more brilliant and beautiful than they ever were before! Oh how he loved to show the world his perfect baby butterfly. He so delighted in the joy and wonder and the miracle of his little family of 2 becoming a family of 3. And he was an excellent dada- playful and attentive, fun and engaging. In fact, the daddy butterfly loved his family so much, he chose to be a stay-at-home dad for 1 day a week (which is special because most daddies don't get to be a stay-at-home dad for any days of the week!) Still, a butterfly is a butterfly and when a most enticing adventure pops us, it sure can be hard for that butterfly to stay put. No, he must do as his nature pulls him and so he allows his wings to take him to the next adventure. But the homebody mommy is left at home, feeling altogether torn between missing the memory of her now-lost wings, how life was before the baby butterfly, and yet not wanting a single thing to be different.
So she thinks "What if I forced myself to stop caring and throw myself into raising the baby butterfly?! At least that way I won't care so much when the daddy flies away." But no, for the mommy butterfly knew that was not any way to have a healthy marriage or even a pleasant life.
"What if the daddy butterfly could become a homebody like me?! That would fix it!"
But no, for the daddy butterfly would probably just grow discontent and being to resent the mommy butterfly.
You see, this is where the social butterfly and the homebody are the most different. The social butterfly just wants to go, to be on the move, to have stories and create inside jokes and find adventures. The homebody wants some of those things too but for those things to happen at home. To stay home and gather her butterflies in all around her, to enjoy the pleasure and privilege of family, to snuggle on the couch or play a game, or even just know that everyone is home where they should be.
And so this is where our story must come to pause for the rest has yet to be written. I wonder though, if you were in the position of the mommy butterfly, what truth might you share with her? What encouragement might you give her? How did you find the balance between the homebody and the social butterfly?
Good insights. Well written. I told ken once that I felt as if he locked me into prison while he was gone. That was shortly before I began in BSF and to learn yo look yo god, not ken for my joy. May I say it is still a lesson to learn? Let God guide.
ReplyDeleteHi Katie, Leigha here over in Indonesia. I'm not sure if I have any encouragement other than to say you are not alone. We flew off on a great big adventure when our first was the easy caterpillar (4 months), and it didn't take long to realize that my wings would be clipped too. (Meanwhile my husband gets to do awesome crazy stuff on a weekly basis.) So I went and had 2 more babies, in part so I could "get it done" and (as much as I LOVE my babies!) move on through this stage quicker. Not sure that was the best plan, as I sit here with my 3 yr old, 1.5 yr old, and little baby, going crazy most days. :P So I'm clinging to God and praying that He'll use this time to develop my character so that later, when the littles are a gaining independence little by little, I'll be a better person when I do get to venture out of this cocoon. That and my household mantra of "it WILL get better" keeps me going. Looking forward to seeing you when we're visiting Parkside in the fall. Blessings.
ReplyDeleteI have 4 kiddos and now that the youngest is almost 2, we run around a LOT and are not at home nearly as much. However, I do miss out on all the traveling husband does for work. :p I wish I could go... and maybe when the kids are older I can just pile them in the van and go follow him. We homeschool, so why not? :)
ReplyDeleteI was a huge extrovert when I got married, worked at a coffee shop and all i wanted to do all day was talk to people and go places. Now I am some sort of cross between an extrovert and introvert. It's weird how I've changed. But being a mom has been easier for me since I had baby #2... :)
Hey Katie,
ReplyDeleteI enjoy reading your posts and especially the honesty with which they are shared. Kudos. And clearly you've thought about this from several perspectives to be able to understand your hubby so well and desire what will work best for your marriage as well as you and your little one. That takes maturity and thoughtfulness.
I am not a social butterfly. I am very much the homebody. But I would like to offer, perhaps, a slightly different perspective. When my kids were younger, I felt very... hindered in what I was able to do - for God. I felt His big adventures and plans for me would have to wait. What I learned was that the problem was not with timing, or priorities (though I do have issues with priorities), but rather I was given an opportunity to learn contentment in any circumstance. It is, truthfully, an ongoing process as I find new things about which I am discontent. But at the time, I learned my building resentment was more about a lack of contentment than that I wasn't doing what God wanted me to be doing. I've since decided there isn't a much more important mission for me than the one God has given me as a wife and mother. I'm still not the greatest at prioritizing this correctly, and clearly, this is not something with which you struggle. It is awesome that you have such a great love for being around your son! I don't think it's a matter of balance, however. I think it is an ability to be content in the moment. I would also add, as an aid to contentment, that comparing yourself to anyone else will hinder that contentment. I don't know if you do this or not. This is another skill I am continually learning to improve.
Sorry for how long this is. - Phil 4:11 and Gal 6:4 are verses that help me.