You know when you watch "American Idol" and you'll hear a contestant say "I don't understand why they didn't pick me. Everyone at home thinks I'm a great singer!" And you're sitting on your couch at home thinking, "That's because no one at home has the guts to be honest with you!" I'm kind of there right now. But I'm also in the "Land of What If" and let me tell you, it's rotten in here.
- What if we had picked another song?
- What if there had been a singer on the judges panel (instead of the Dancer/Superintendent/Organist/Contestant on "Survivor")?
- What if we had picked another song?
- What if the mic had worked the first time?
- What if they weren't trying to hurry us along because of the threat of rain?
- What if we had picked another song?
- What if the audience had laughed more?
- What if we had done the full 4 and a half minute version of the song instead of cutting it down to 3 minutes like they asked?
- WHAT IF WE HAD PICKED ANOTHER SONG?!!?
Even if I had answers to these questions the facts are still the same. We did not win.
And yet...
If you're willing to look for it there's always a lesson to be learned, a nugget to add to the treasure pile- especially for those of us who try to walk closely with the Lord. Here's my nugget (thanks mom for helping me uncover this one.)
I am not a performer. I've said this for a long time. I don't love being on stage. I don't "come to life" when I'm on stage. I don't love the feeling of butterflies in my stomach or any of that. I'm just not that person. I am, however, a worshipper. I come alive when I'm singing for my Jesus. I feel the presence of the Lord, even the anointing of the Lord when I am singing for an audience of One. And here's how I know the difference.
For this talent show, I was concerned about every aspect of our performance. "What should I wear? What should Daniel wear? Am I expressive enough? Is Daniel expressive enough? Am I enunciating clearly? Am I singing with good technique? Am I engaging? Are we entertaining?" On and on the list goes. And every audience member, judge, and fellow contestant could have given me a hundred different answers. All of these questions were geared toward the audience or judges perception of me.
When I sing in worship I'm asking different questions. More like "Is my heart in the right place today? Do I believe what I'm singing? Am I going through the motions or am I really worshiping?" And the only One who can these questions is the only opinion I really need. The opinion that says my worth doesn't come from winning a talent show or even the talent show prize money. The opinion that says "I love to hear you sing because I'm the one who sent that gift your way." The opinion that says "You are my creation & my pride and joy." I bask in the approval, in the anointing of the One True God. The God who gave me a love for music. The God who sent me a husband who shares my love of music and with whom I can make music with! The God who gave me a voice to lift in song, pleasant or not, the gift is from Him. And the questions I find myself asking are not geared toward what the congregation is thinking of me. No, the questions are for Jesus to purify my motives and to cleanse me of the junk I let seep into my heart and mind. The questions are to help me move closer to holiness (Thank you 1 Peter 1:16)!
You better believe I'm gonna keep on singing but I think my talent show/karaoke/competition days are over. I'll just sing for my Jesus and relish the pleasure of knowing my heart gets the most delight from worshiping the one true God.
That's waaaaay better than a $1000 prize any day. And I can say that in all honesty.
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